Were you df'd while suffering depression???

by Pistoff 26 Replies latest watchtower medical

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  Ice Blue

  I suffered mental ill health towards the end of my time with the Borg. I had terrible panic attacks, often during meetings. After years of arriving early, taking full part, and leaving late for 'association with the brothers', I could no longer handle it and started arriving at the last minute, sitting at the back and leaving as soon as I could.

  My comfort? Whilst waiting in my car for my daughter to enjoy her 'fellowship' an elder approached and sat down in the passenger seat. "Don't think I don't know what your plan is. It is pretty obvious to all that you are intent on leaving the truth. On your own head be it". With that he got out and slammed the door. Incidentally this elder and his wife had been personal friends of mine for some 8 years.

  I actually went on to have a nervous breakdown. No one came, and few cared. I can count on the fingers of one hand the people who came to inquire after me - and this was after 13 years of faithful service - accomplished in spite of being in a disastrous marital relationship.

  So don't expect any sympathy from the Borg - it seems to me few there are willing to give it. I do have to say about those few though, they are truly worth their weight in gold and I will always remember the kindnesses they showed to me.

  Edited by - Ice Blue on 3 August 2002 10:22:9
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  frogit

  My ramblings

  I was a very active MS always saying yes to whatever assignment the elders gave me, I did it all, Field Service, P/Talks, group, TMS, Service meeting talks, the lot, and I shepherd my group. All this on to of bringing my children up, earning a living and also setting up a new trade.

  I was wearing myself out, I was burnt out, and I asked the elders for help on many occasions, guess what? No help at all, just more to do.

  I look back and feel this was too much for any person to do, my head was ready to blow just like a volcano but in the troof you not allowed to show you feelings as you are seen as a disrupter, belligerent or a weak person, I even was counselled for how I felt.

  My whole week was mapped out for weeks ahead, there was no time for living, just theocratic stuff, this went on for ages, and what upsets me now is I didnt know what was happening to me, my mind was set do more, I never gave it a thought that I was driving my mind to madness.

  When my depression got the better of me and could not cope because of years of abuse (from the gong), I was nearly DF'd, but had a Public reproof (staying over night with op sex (just to get away from it all), but no immorality). The elders promised to help me, guess what they only gave a token attempt at helping, at one time I was so distraught with threats and lies from my wife, I just cried and cried rolled up like a ball on the floor, I rang the PO for help, could you over a prayer for me, I asked, sorry too busy give so so a phone call, I did sorry Im busy, phone so and so, I got the same answer each time. BTW Im still waiting for a visit from the elders.

  One day I will tell my full story, but now Im on my own trying to put my life back again, in this world you have to do it yourself (DIY), forget elders, forget the WT, they do not care, I even spoke to the CO about this and other wrongs within the elders, he showed little interest, did nothing.

  Now Im on the fence, I love God, but how can I worship him?

  I feel that there must be some loving elders somewhere, reading all your comments about the horrid unjust treatment at the hands of supposedly Princes in all the Earth, loving shepherds!!!!

  frogit
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  jst_me

  My ex is bi-polar, and was going to the dr for that. They decided he was probably schitophrenic as well, but he got scared and the brothers who were counseling him laughed at him and he would not go back to the doctor.

  I cannot remember a time during our entire marriage he did not talk about killing himself. I would watch what I did, what the kids did, everything so I wouldn't set him off so he wouldn't kill himself. Then sometimes I wished he would just do it so that he woud get resurrected and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Then, I did the worst thing I could have ever done, but it was the only way out of that marriage that I could see. I knew he would kill himself if I left him, but I thought if I cheated on him then he would be free to marry again, plus everyone would rally round him and he would have support. (what WAS I thinking??)

  Well, needless to say, that was a dumb idea and he wanted us to stay together and work it out so I decided well I better confess this so that I will have Jehovah's blessing. Of course, the ex got suicidal again, and tried to kill himself so I had him committed. The night he was committed was my meeting. I didnt cry, I dont think I could feel anything at all to be honest I was worn out, also I would not give them any details because I just did not have the strength for it. So, of course, even though I confessed my sin to them I was df'd. And do you think anyone visited my ex the entire time he was in there? Hell no.
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  witchywoman

  Frogit: Sounds like your your starting to think for yourself. You hit the nail on the head,your strenth must come from inside of yourself. Keep your head down. Be sure and brace yourself, anything that can happen, will. I know you want to trust the elders, but be careful, contrary to what they say they do not need to know everything.

  Don`t get caught up in the emotion of wanting to lash out at anyone. Be ready, and always, always, always look out for yourself first.

  This forum is here, (thank you Simon) don`t leave, we will be waiting for your story, when you are ready.

  witchywoman
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  ChuckD

  A related question; how many people are recruited by the organization while they are suffering from depression?
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  frogit

  Thnx witchywoman for your kind words and comfort

  I believe some of the trouble I have is that I have been thinking for my self for years, and now I no longer except blindly anything I hear or

  am told, I will watch out for myself (independant thinking).........

  Tat ta (English for Bye bye)

  frogit
• 

  gumby

  I was not having depresion at the time........as far as severe clinical depression......but!

  I think because of the strict lifestyle that is demanded by the borg.....causes an unhappiness in many that many are not aware of. When you are freed from the borg.....that feeling goes away.....then you can understand what this "feeling" is This feeling can be guilt, fear, worry because of feeling you never measure up in one way or the other.

  I had bad depression after being DFed because all of my family and friends were dubs....it was all I knew. I felt like I caused all the trouble and messed up the family.

  I would say in the 7 years I have been out....only this last year have I began to feel "normal" though I am on effexor that helps with mood swings. Learning that spirituality can be free of religion has helped a lot with my happiness.
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  Pistoff

  THANKS so much everyone...........please keep the stories coming.

  My belief is that even though the org pays lip service to being concerned about depression, if you are not doing a perfect job in meetings/study/prayer/service, then they assume that the depression comes from "lack of spirituality". In reality, the depression is the REAL cause of the "lack", if there is such a thing. THEY HAVE THE CART BEFORE THE HORSE.

  And like we have seen above, they make it worse by NOT ACKNOWLEDGING THE DEPRESSION, ridiculing or ignoring the one who is depressed.

  They truly have NO concern for the depressed ones. AND they do not see the connection between depression and addictive behavior or self medication through drink, drugs or sex. OR that depression can be a mitigating factor. HOW can anyone be serious about staying in such an anti-social organization????

  HOW many have attempted suicide after df'ing I wonder??
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  flower

  I began treatment for major depression about 3 months after my son was born after a lifetime of on again off again depressive episodes. I was on Med therapy, and in talk therapy. Of course my Post Partum Depression was only aggravating the major guilt and depression I already had thinking Jehovah hated me for being pregnant and having a child.

  I went through whatever they asked me to do to be reinstated because I genuinely wanted to 'do the right thing' to please God.

  After the second JC meeting I sunk to another low period. I couldnt handle the questions, the scriptures, the pain of reliving certain events over again. After that I locked myself in my apartment with my son and didnt come out unless he ran out of something. I took a disability leave from work because I 'couldnt' go to work in my emotional and mental state. When I did go to work I had major panic attacks. I was breaking down emotionally due to the stress of all this and trying to be a good mom to my new son. I took care of my son and thats it. Physically I didnt take care of myself for days at a time. Didnt speak to family much or anyone. I spent a lot of time thinking of ways to die and spent a lot of nights begging God to kill me in my sleep.

  During this period of major depression the brothers called me several times and said they wanted to meet again. I ignored them of course there was no way in hell I was going to answer the phone so they left messages. I had mentioned suicidal statements at the last meeting as I cried my eyes out after an hour of their questions. I left that meeting and used all I had to keep my car on the road and not drive it into a building or tree. I couldnt go through another of their meetings and there was nothing more to say anyway. The fact that Jehovah didnt want me was quite crystal clear to me. There was no point in going back so I ignored their calls and when they came banging on my door I didnt answer.

  I was advised by my mother a couple weeks or months later,I dont remember, that they had announced my df'ing to the congregation. A couple months or so later I was hospitalized for major depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts. My son was taken from my custody and given to the jw's because I admitted to thinking on occasion that if I did kill myself there is no way I would let the jw's have my son and they were our only family.

  I'm glad I went through this though cause it was the end of my life of hell and the begininning of freedom for me and my son. I'm so glad I had the presence of mind even though I was so screwed up, to say 'no i'm not answering the door, if they want to treat me that bad the hell with them'.

  flower
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  witchywoman

  Bless you flower, you have become a tower of strength for others and most importantly for yourself.

  Is that a picture of your precious little boy?

  witchy