Grieving

by Swan 23 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  witchywoman

  (((Tammy)))

  Believe it or not, I have been out or the org for over 12 years now and only found out about all the lies and cover-ups about two months ago. It is truly overwhelming. Even after all that time I did not want to believe that the WTBTS was capable of such lies. One small phone call to the UN comfirmed everything for me. It was the same as catching a cheating husband in the act. You just can`t deny it when you have proof.

  I started having flashbacks of almost everyone that I ever knew as a jw. You know the saying "your life passes before your eyes". That`s what it felt like to me.

  Everyone has good ideas, do be kind to yourself. Something that helped me after my dsfs was taking long walks, sometimes brisk, sometimes just to be lazy and try and take in all the surroundings. If you need to be alone,. find some time for yourself, and be selfish about it. You deserve some joy in your life. Whatever makes YOU happy find a way to do it.

  Your going to make it, you have to. We`ll be here for you.

  witchywoman
• 

  Swan

  Thank you all so much for your responses. I kept the browser window open even after I logged off so that I could read them over and over today. They have been very good for me and I haven't had to cry as much.

  I had anticipated the crying that many of you related in your own process, but I didn't realize that so many others had the horrible dreams too. I thought that maybe I was the only one. It is good to know that I am normal in this regard, but it saddens me that others are suffering as much as I am. I wish I could blow each and every one of you a magic ekiss that would erase all of that suffering. I'm good at computer programming, but alas, I'm not that good.

  I will be sure and tell my therapist about the nightmares that others here have had. It seems to be all tied into that trauma we went through.

  Be well my friends.

  Tammy
• 

  YoursChelbie

  Slowly I began to find evidence that they weren't right. But I resisted coming here, to these "apostate" web sites. I was afraid of your judgment, for one thing. I couldn't take rejection like that again. I was also afraid that if my family found out that I came here, it would ruin any chance that I had of ever contacting them again.

  Tammy, these feelings can really paralyze you if you let them. You've come so far already. Other people's judgements amounts to nothing. For so long I had to de-program myself not to fear the elder's judgements (you know how they claim that if you don't listen to them, you're disregarding "God's arrangement") But as time went on, I realized that there is no way they have God's Holy Spirit, so their opinion of me doesn't matter. They don't know my heart! And as far as being forced to go to meetings, just remember Jesus never read a Watchtower magazine the entire time he walked this earth-- Those magazines are rubbish! God's Gift is everlasting life. I have always believed that. So no one can earn life--it's impossible to earn a gift. I trust that God doesn't keep a score card nor does He say to himself, "OK, whoever goes to the most meetings is going to live forever."

  So, my dear friend, I wish peaceful, restful sleep to you. You are very valuable! It's how you live your life everyday that makes the difference to God, not how many hours go out or how many books you place.

  (((((((((((Hugs to you, Beautiful Swan)))))))))))

  YoursChelbie

  Edited by - YoursChelbie on 2 August 2002 2:48:0
• 

  Swan

  Dear Chelbie (and others following this thread),

  Yes, these feelings can really paralyze you. My husband asked me just moments ago if we were going to drive up to Seattle for the Apostafest tomorrow. Here he is willing to go with me and meet other xJWs that he has never met before, but I am petrified about going. I know three of the people who are going to be there, but I have changed a lot since I saw them last. I am so afraid that people will disapprove of me somehow. I know I shouldn't worry about how other people judge me, but I do. It is one old tapes from growing up JW that I can't seem to erase. I've even been to therapy and still I have these anxieties. I want so much to just be a normal person, but it doesn't seem like I will ever get there. Maybe we never will. Our life experience is just too different from that of normal people. Most people are never raised in a cult.

  Last week I was reading about the statistics of JWs having twice as many mental health problems as the general population. It was an article by Jerry Bergman, Ph.D. He is an exJW. His argument is convincing. I once had to take the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI) when I first started my therapy. It put me in the 10% of the population considered abnormal. It was very accurate. Described me to a tee. I imagine most of my family would fall into the same category. Not crazy, but just on the fringe enough to be abnormal. It reminds me of a kooky JW I once knew who painted his house black. I knew others who were also on the fringe in one way or another.

  That's why this board is good for me. I need to face these anxieties and deal with them. I have come a long way in the last eight years, but I still have such a long way to go. The nightmares are a good indication that there are unresolved issues and trauma that I still need to address. It is scary.

  Thank you for listening.

  Tammy