I COULDN'T DO IT!!!!

by Perfection Seeker 32 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Perfection Seeker

  I know I just posted a few hours ago- but NEED to vent. My mom was at the district convention last weekend. I had found this site shortly before she went. I spent the last 10 days getting "ammunition" for when she came out in service today. So, prompt as can be, 10:15 the doorbell rang. My mom & two young sisters wanted to use the bathroom. Made idle chit chat- then I asked the girls to leave so I could talk to my mom. 30 minutes later- I was NOWHERE! I wanted SOOOOOOOOO bad to say something, deep, something critical, something to get her thinking, or something to let her know I was thinking.......but I couldn't do it. Partly because she is my mother, and so sweet, but also because I couldn't think of one thing to say! I wanted so bad to reason with her, or something, but she did most of the talking. And, funny, as you listen, and they spew off tons of words, so fast- and then say "Its so simple" I know I want nothing to do with the organization, and as she talked, I felt sorry for her, but then I thought "Could I be wrong?" I don't want to doubt myself, and I guess I don't want to pull her away, I don't know what I want. All I know- is when I sent those two girls out- I was going to question her or get her to thinking, and instead I got the usual JW bashing. Is there no end? I finally told her that I wanted her to shun me & stay away- if that is what she feels she needs to do- then she said "You obviously want NOTHING to do with me or Jehovah- so is it YOU that wants to shun me?" Man- if I didn't have my ENTIRE family in the organization, it would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO easy. Sometimes they get you between a rock & a hard place- and you just want to SCREAM!! So, this posting is my SCREAM Guess I'll see her next Saturday at 10:15..................Chocolate, I need chocolate... :-)

  Edited by - perfection seeker on 6 July 2002 12:4:25
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  ItsJustlittleoldme

  Howdy Perfection:

  I finally told her that I wanted her to shun me & stay away- if that is what she feels she needs to do- then she said "You obviously want NOTHING to do with me or Jehovah- so is it YOU that wants to shun me?" Man- if I didn't have my ENTIRE family in the organization, it would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO easy. Sometimes they get you between a rock & a hard place- and you just want to SCREAM!! So, this posting is my SCREAM Guess I'll see her next Saturday at 10:15..................Chocolate, I need chocolate... :-)

  Venting is good :-)

  Go get the book, "Releasing the bonds, Empowering people to think for themselves" by Steve Hassan
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  Perfection Seeker

  I'm on the way to the bookstore now! :-) THANKS
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  OUTLAW

  Hey PS,your being too hard on yourself and your mom.Your going to have to take this just a little easier.When a subject comes up you can mention what you know,and show her how to prove it to herself.If you try to force all the information at her,all at once she`ll just feel like your attacking her,and she won`t hear anything you say.Give it a shot,it just might help...OUTLAW
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  Jewel

  Perfection-

  I was thinking what Outlaw said. I wouldn't try to push the religious issue. If you want to have a relationship with her, you might just need to let that be something you ignore-sort of like the proverbial elephant in the middle of the room. My Mom still tries to preach to me sometimes. I just respectfully stay quiet and try to let it roll off my back. I don't try to convert her because I know that: 1. It's a lost cause and 2. she would be lost without the social structure she has been building-exclusively within this religion-for 30+ years.

  Sadly, I do find that we naturally don't spend lots of time together partly because of the preaching-and partly because she can't come to any of the family gatherings I have-kids' birthdays, soup supper on Christmas Day, etc. ad infinitum.

  I don't have any wise words for you, but I can tell you that I can honestly say I know how you feel

  (((((((Perfection)))))))

  Jewel
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  nativenyr23

  Hi Perf:

  Hey....slow down. Remember....it took YEARS of indoctrination to get you where you are....and it cannot be undone in a few weeks. It'll take time. I know your enthusiasm. Been there...done that. For now, take all your new information and process it before passing it on.....think about it....and how you feel about it.....read...learn, study. Eventually, opportunities will open up and with subtlety you'll need to introduce them, to your mom or other family members. Remember, if you lay it out for them, they'll PUT UP A WALL. However, if you are subtle and get them to think for themselves....then you accomplish more. Don't doubt yourself. Its just that it's all too fresh still yet. I felt the same way at first (years ago) and am grateful to be out and free. But it's going to take time to feel that way. Their hold on us is powerful. And i truly believe it will never COMPLETELY go away. However, you will gain strength with time.
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  Perfection Seeker

  I appreciate all your posts & understand what you're saying. BUT, if I get 3 emails from my mother daily- saying how I am misled, how I don't love Jehovah, how I am so lost- how I am ruining the family, etc- it takes a toll. I almost WISH I was disfellowshipped- so they wouldn't be able to get their claws in me! My husband says they only have the power we give them- somewhere along the line- I must have given them ALOT of power. They push push push & say their opinions & judge you- yet we aren't allowed to say ANYTHING- for fear it will push them away. YET, the guilt sucks. I guess I wanted to say ONE thing to her today- just one thing that would make me smile, after her 45 minute speech, but I just couldn't. I guess I wouldn't knock on her door every Saturday morning for 45 minutes & say NEGATIVE witness things, yet she can do the pushing in HER direction, and that is "OK" cause its the "truth". I guess I do remember being in- and wanting to save people, but this is just overwhelming! Got on antidepressants yet again this week- cause of all the preaching & pushing she is doing- and I am not able to push back- and for me, whos family ties are SOO strong- I mean- like EVERY member of the family emails at LEAST once a day & calls- so there are strong ties- yet they don't know I go to church- HAPPILY- and think I don't love God. If it were a stranger- I could roll it off- but family- UGH! They know all the right buttons! I guess it is mostly guilt or doubt that gets me. I don't want to doubt, or let them project guilt onto me about ruining the family, or never seeing my dad when he gets ressurected, blah blah blah. If you knew my mother- you would understand! She is the MOTHER SHIP of the congregation, family, etc. Her tentacles are wrapped around EVERYONE
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  ItsJustlittleoldme

  Hi Jewel:

  It's a lost cause and 2. she would be lost without the social structure she has been building-exclusively within this religion-for 30+ years.

  Sadly, I do find that we naturally don't spend lots of time together partly because of the preaching-and partly because she can't come to any of the family gatherings I have-kids' birthdays, soup supper on Christmas Day, etc. ad infinitum.

  I don't have any wise words for you, but I can tell you that I can honestly say I know how you feel

  I respectfully disagree.

  1.) Assuming you were at one time "in", and now you are "out" of the organizations sphere of influence and control in your life, how can you say it's a lost cause.. Obviously, you're no longer being controlled by the organization should be reason enough to understand that it is not a lost cause, assuming of course, that when you were under the organization's control, you believed that you had the 'truth'.. Something/someone caused you to think, yet I'd be willing to bet that when you were securely rooted in the truth youself, you would never have even considered that one day you would be "out". It's never a lost cause!

  2.) The social structure should not be an excuse to ignore the fact that a person is NOT thinking for themselves, but being led around like Pharisee's. That is NOT pleasing to god, and sometimes doing what is pleasing to god is not easy, but if you really love god, you will do it, and it always works out better in the long run! You obviously are "out" so you have pleased god by no longer being "yoked" to the F&DS. Why would you NOT want to offer that same freedom to others?

  * It is NOT natural for parents and children to 'drift apart' at the level you describe above.. You are family, and to state that because of 'preaching' and not being able to goto family gatherings is a good rationalization, but we both know that is NOT the truth.. Truth of the matter is that there are many other times where parents and children naturally interact, and show natural affetion and love towards one another.. Remember the bible scripture (I forget which one) that says basically "Where are your brothers? How can you claim to love me, which you have not seen, when you do not love whom you can see?"

  I'm not in any way saying it is easy, nor am I in any way saying it will be quick, but if you truly love someone, you don't walk away from them, and you want to help them for their own good. The WTBTS teaches to walk away from loved ones when they go against the organization (NOTE I did NOT say they walked away from GOD!!!).. I am at a loss to understand anyone that says, "I left the organization and left my loved ones in and have no intention of helping them to think for themselves".. That is the exact same conditonal love (worthless IMHO) as the WT itself teaches.
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  nativenyr23

  I know. My family was the same way. Here's what I did.

  First thing i did....I distanced myself. First thing you need to do is tell your mom, "Mom, I understand what you're telling me; but right now, let's please not discuss anything religion-related. Just be my mom. I need some time." Tell her in a mature adult fashion (since parents have a hard time sometimes regarding us as adults with our own thoughts). It took my mother 4 years before she and i could have a relationship - but it also took me being a bitch and putting my foot down and telling her I'M DIFFERENT AND NO LONGER BELIEVE WHAT YOU BELIEVE. I had to finally tell her one day, "Mom, you raised me to believe the WT. I am now an adult and choose to disagree. I will respect that you believe it to be true and will not try to convince you otherwise. However, I wish you to afford me the same respect."

  Which was difficult for her to swallow. After all, my family had a "reputation". we were the model family in the congregation. Grandpa was in the Yearbook for his pioneering work in South America...yada yada yada..... We reached the point where she disowned me. it was difficult....and i too had to take antidepressants. Felt suicidal. Felt alone. Disowned by family and had newborn twins, and a 6 year old, and had just left my JW husband. All my uncles were elders.....aunts pioneers. I was being groomed to go to bethel and got married instead! So i know what you mean by the pressure. If they are inundating you with emails....store them in a folder for now and read them later. YOU have the power to read them when YOU want......and if you're not in the mood to deal with it....then delete them or save them for later when you DO feel ready. But your hubby has a point. You will need to be the one to put the brakes on and request that they respect your decision.

  then go get a hug from hubby. Email anytime you wanna chat. I know what you're going thru. I was alone for a long time. But the saying is really true....all this you're going thru will make you a stronger person.
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  BeautifulGarbage

  Hey PS,

  You are in a very tough spot. Take it easy and be patient with yourself. I can't share any words of wisdom because only my Dad is a JW, and he is clear where I stand.

  Just keep coming here. Vent and post to help relieve the stress. And if your Mom keeps it up, perhaps you can ask the board how you can respond to her so that you can savage some of your sanity, and keep your Mom at bay. It can be a very delicate balancing act, but many here have been in your shoes.

  Please resist the compulsion to "go off" at her. Like others have said, it makes a JW brain shut down. And then you risk completely alienating her and possibly some of your family.

  Baby steps.

  Andee