you wanna hear something wild? my son has never been hit. or spanked. ever. and you know what? he has always been a very considerate, well-mannered child with high self-esteem, he has a great deal of compassion for others, and we have a very close relationship. he confides a lot to me, and i feel honored that he still does at 15. he is also in an honors program and is a campus leader and popular at school, and has never been victimzed or bullied by other boys. even when he was little, we taught him about certain behaviors that are inappropriate, like kicking the back of someone's airplane seat, for example. you'd be surprised how smart even little children can be.
i think when you hit children, you teach them to "act" good to avoid getting hit again. and you teach them to hit. but worse, all they know is mom and dad are hurting them - the ones who are supposed to protect them. why is it ok for mom to hit but not, say, a day-care provider? any child, no matter how small, can be disciplined without inflicting physical pain upon them. you might say, well how do you teach little tiny ones withour hitting? they are too young to reason yet. i would say you wouldn't hit an infant, would you? yet you find ways to communicate to your infant, just like they find ways to communicate their needs and wants to you.
children learn by example. and when they are very small, they are like little sponges absorbing everything around them. they love to copy mommy and daddy. my son used to come up to dad if he had on a blue shirt and he did too, he would pat his little chest and say 'look daddy, same-same like you'. they really look up to you and want to be like you, so you teach them by your own example. when they do something wrong, you explain to them that what they did was wrong, and you also explain why - not "because i said so". at the same time, you have to set clear boundaries and let them know that you are the parent and that if they do something wrong, there will be consequences, and you have to follow through on your discipline, every time. children are children, and there has to be some amount of 'forgiveness' on the parent's part for their children's ineptitude. i mean, if my son spilled kool-aid all over the table, that didn't merit discipline, because he was just being a little child and his hands were just learning how to grasp a glass. but if he was at a party, for example, and deliberately took the kool-aid and poured it all over another child's head, then you would be swift and let them know in a serious tone why that was wrong. then you would ask them to apologize to the other child and remove them from the party or something to that affect. believe me, if they saw all the other kids having fun and cake and ice cream and they had to sit there and watch, they would realize that they shouldn't have done what they did.
the trick is to be diligent and tailor your responses to their age. for example, you can't ground a little child for misbehaving, but you can withold something like a favorite video or treat, and make it clear as to why. you must also direct your discipline at the act, rather than the person. instead of saying 'you're a bad kid', you would say 'what you did was bad', etc.
children want us to set boundaries, and they want us to discipline them when they cross those boundaries, because in doing that we show them that we love them. so i guess be firm, be consistent, and above all be loving and fair. and don't wimp out. parents who do that are hurting their children more than they realize. listen to them and sometimes allow them to make their own choices, but make sure they remember that you ultimately, have the final say, until they are old enough to be responsible for themselves.
thank you for asking. good topic.
luv,
~incense and peppermints
