Finally sent that letter, but not to mom...

by Odrade 25 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Odrade

  fiddler, I'm so sorry. I think in some ways, this push-pull thing they do where they don't fully shun us, but never fully engage either, is more painful than being cut off outright.

  I understand the guilt, I really do. For years I have felt like, as long as he is trying to maintain a relationship, I should leave the door open. But I just couldn't do it anymore. It occured to me that in 12 years, he never really listened, never asked, never considered that I had reasons... that's no kind of relationship.

  It was good of you to be there, even if you couldn't see him.

  smiddy, I can think of several people who suicided because of being shunned by their families. It's heinous.
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  AudeSapere

  Odrade wrote: Sometimes I wonder if most "bravery" is just self-preservation turned into action.

  Thank you for sharing with your letter with us. It helps soo much to know how others handle these impossible family situations.

  Nice to see you here again. I remember your thoughtful posts from years ago.

  -Aude.
• 

  likeabird

  Odrade,

  Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate it. I also never came out to my parents, yet they still shun me without ever coming to me to check my position. Never a peep from them. Not once.

  I also suffer from the symptoms of c-PTSD. It can be awful at times, and the nightmares horrendous.

  On one hand I don't the slightest bit guilty. I am extremely angry for what they did to me and my siblings and the psychological abuse they put us through. I also know they will never change and will most definitely never acknowledge or recognise or own up to the damage and mess they made.

  And yet there is part of me that cannot speak to them because I know I would explode. I know they would make out like their hearts were broken. The crocodile tears would flow. They would act as if nothing had happened and want to play happy families again, ignoring all the pain and hurt they had caused. In any case, I don't want to be the one to "break their heart". I don't want to be the one to burst their bubble. And I don't want to let them have an official JW reason to shun me.

  A psychologist I saw a while back also helped me through the period of feeling guilty. She helped me see how we need to remember our parents are adults and they have their own life and their own choices. Sometimes we have to just let them live their own lives and focus our attention on living ours. It doesn't mean we don't care about them or aren't there for them, but by refocusing it is also a way to reduce that terrible feeling of guilt.

  And one more thing she taught me. Did you know, that out of all the human emotions, guilt is the only one that isn't instinctive or naturally occuring?
• 

  Odrade

  Hey Aude! Good to see you too!

  likeabird, every word you wrote... it's like looking in a mirror.

  My counselor had kind words to say about my decision to write this letter. She said it was a very adult way to behave, and pointed out that our relationship has never been allowed to develop into one where everybody gets to be adults.

  I think I learned the thing about guilt from dog training. Uniquely human emotion too. I've been thinking a lot about guilt lately, I'm beginning to suspect that a lot of my nightmares are tied into that emotion. Have you ever tried dream journaling? The counselor suggested I start that.
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  likeabird

  I hate to imagine people having gone through such pain, but at the same time it is nice to know other people can actually understand and that we are not alone.

  At least two of my siblings suffer from feelings of guilt, at times to an almost paralysing level. My guilt towards my parents disappeared when I learnt to what extent my older siblings had been abused and then I only felt anger. It is a new emotion for me after sucking things up for all my life. Dare I say it even feels liberating?

  Guilt, not only is a human emotion, but it is the only emotion that is learned rather than instinctive and naturally occuring. It can also be extremely damaging, which I think we all know.

  My two siblings that suffer from guilt also get nightmares, as do I. I don't do dream journaling in earnest, but with my younger sister, we will often email each other if we had a particularly bad nightmare, just to get it in writing. It's my way of keeping a trace of things. We will also periodically have long exchanges by email where we go through stuff we experienced, express our emotions and try to analyse it in detail. While it can be extremely intense, it is also very healing and gives us greater understanding of what we went through.

  I know that the scars will never go away, but like my psychologist told me, there are things that I can take from my experience that will make me truly unique. I feel sometimes that I lived through a huge explosion, perhaps two or three in quick succession. Working through the past is almost like picking through the ashes that are left, finding the bits that we want to keep with us. One day I will decide I have found enough bits and then I will fully move on.

  Sorry for all the rambling. The words kind of kept coming.

  Hugs to you and everyone like us. We are not alone.

  LB
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  Odrade

  LB, I love your rambling. It's fascinating to me to see the commonalities so many of us raised-ins share.

  We are all incredibly strong people to come out the other side of that level of indoctrination, with our lives and personalities as intact as they are.