Finally sent that letter, but not to mom... (page 2)

Odrade

Sometimes I wonder if most "bravery" is just self-preservation turned into action.

talesin

I think that is a fair statement. Making that choice, and taking that step, knowing that the consequences may be severe, is what takes it out of the safety realm.

I totally understand what you're going through. Been there, experienced this myself. I'm very sorry that you've had to experience these tense relationships with your JW family still in. Very good letter written by you to your dad by the way. You handled it beautifully. You expressed yourself very upfront and honestly addressing the situation which will hopefully get him to think about his part in causing angst within your soul over these years. But if he's like my long time elder dad- he may not even blink an eye.

Several years ago my wife and I tried to get my 87 year old mom to visit for the first time ever to our home in our 8 year relationship- my elder dad 89 yrs.old called the day before saying they would NOT come to visit because my inactive niece lived 10 minutes from us and he couldn't associate with her. I lost my $hit and blew my stack at my dad on the phone calling him a hypocrite because he associated with OTHER grandchildren of his who were inactive - it's just that he was picking and choosing WHO he wanted to shun !

Then this last spring my dad put my mom into an welfare assisted living facility due to her incontinence and short term memory loss and spells of falling. I confronted him and my older brother about " warehousing " her in a welfare facility as it was a horrendous place to stay. Finally with my son, my wife, and my pressure put on him- my dad put her in an A+ rated pay facility in which he pays $1,000 a month to keep her there. I've lost almost all respect for my JW dad as my mom gave him 67 years of marriage- and this is the thanks she gets ?

My dad has been passive aggressive towards me as I'm the only one out of 4 siblings that left the JW cult. I'm not a suck-up like my elder older brother was. It was good that you spoke out , or wrote your mind to your dad as it IS empowering and it relieves some stress off of our shoulders to get those words out. I've had to do it as well after 11 years out of the cult- or it will eat you up in time. Like yourself I have great people in my life who care , my in-laws, my son and his girlfriend so that helps. But it's still a thorn in my side how fanatic my side of the JW family still is. Take care Odrade, we are here for you , keep on healing yourself, as you stated, it is a long process. Peace out friend, Mr. Flipper

Odrade

Thanks flipper, that must be a nightmare. Whatever else went down in our house growing up, I can't imagine my father behaving like this, especially toward my mother. He at least tries for consistency, and he's quite a rule-follower. One of the sad things is how my brother is still trying to win his approval, and he just blows so hot and cold. I don't know.

It becomes impossible to separate the things they do because of who they are, and the things they do because of what Watchtower has made them. It's tragic.

Hortensia

Good for you! People somehow mistakenly believe that they owe something to their parents, the parents who neglected, mistreated, abused and shunned their own children. We don't owe them anything. And telling the truth does relieve a lot of stress.

I had an ambivalent relationship with my JW mother until she died. Not as bad as many experiences I've read here, but not always good, either. It took going to a psychologist for therapy to finally realize that it was OK to feel the way I did. What else could she expect from me, considering all that had gone before?

flipper

Wanted to bring this thread back to the front as many of us like myself or Odrade who were raised up as a JW from birth have had to deal with overbearing fathers who did not respect us in the least. Perhaps more comments can come from others of you to give Odrade strength and various feedback to deal with her experience. I mean- she's handling it fine- but just knowing there are others out there who have dealt with JW fathers like this can be helpful. You know- power in numbers

Bruja-del-Sol

After an attempt to tell my father how I felt when finding out TTATT (a year after I was DF'd), by comparing the WTS with a painting (when you're with your nose too close to a painting, there's no way you can see the whole picture, it takes distance to be able to get a view on 'the whole deal'), I received an email back in which he told me that he 'had read the book 'Bruja-del-Sol' and threw it out of the window'. In other words, I just had 'died' for him. He said I was egotistic and didn't care about other people's feelings. When in fact he's the one that has bullied all his children and never gave a second thought about how we felt. I havent heard from him since, nor have I sent him a reply.

Lately I've been thinking about writing my parents a letter after eight years of no contact, but I know they'll just use it to show others and tell them what an awful kind of daughter I am and how sorry they are for themselves... I don't want to enhance their feelings of pity for themselves or be the reason for another heart failure episode (or fake complaints about such from my mother). So I just leave them. I kind of enjoy hearing from my sister that out of 5 children (1 DF'd [that's me], 1 never a baptized JW [my sister and best friend], 3 baptized and still in JW's) only the youngest, JW daughter, still visits them. The other three, four including me, despise our parents.

So that should tell the outside world SOMETHING about how 'loving, caring, and supportive' they are as parents... they're NOT at all. To me they're dead already, and actually I'm thinking of hoisting the flag when one, or both of them, dies. (They're in their sixties, one can always hope for a speedy ending, right? )

Odrade

Thanks again, folks, for the support.

One part of the letter that I redacted was that I acknowleged that he was a good father who made some poor choices. The religion was bad choice número uno. He also was a harsh disciplinarian who took corporal punishment way too far, and for way too long.

In every other respect he was involved and interested, as a father should be. If you take away the damage wrought by religion, I believe that not only does he genuinely like me as a person, but might even respect me - as much as somebody completely hostage to institutional sexism can ever respect a woman anyways.

Of course, WT wrecks everything.

It would be so much easier if I could just call him a villain, hate him, and be done with it.

I really do love them. I just can't have contact, it's too painful.

This was the right action for me, at the right time. Maybe that resonates with some people here.

fiddler

Odrade, your letter to your dad was very intelligent and direct. It was good. Back in January of 2011 I had what I have decided was my fatal conversation with my dad. He had been communicating with me again over about a 5 year period (while separated from his wife, my stepmother) and although I tried to never bring up the religion he was always one to 'get into it' with me. So, I called him that January day to ask if he might talk to my daughter and maybe help her to see that she didn't have to totally cut me off. My daughter had given birth the year before to my first grandchild and I wanted at least to see him a little... My father refused to get involved but then asked me why I 'hated' the organization so much.

Boy, where to begin?

The whole shunning aspect for one but I also took him on a little journey back in time to the Rutherford era and brought it up to the present with pedophile issue, hypocracy of UN membership and the real estate investment and 'include Watchtower in your will' money grab stuff....and more.

I was pretty thorough.

We agreed to disagree in the end but a month later he was diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer. Even so, he asked for me to come out to see him. In the meantime he got back with my stepmother and within a week and under her pressure and shoving JW material on evil apostates under his nose by the time I made the trip down to see him I was no longer welcome on his doorstep. I had flown down on a one way ticket because I didn't know how long he would last and I stayed for 6 weeks never getting to see or speak to him once.

I must say, a part of me regrets being so honest and direct with him. I didn't know he would be dead within the year. Everybodies situation is different and with JW's there are no easy ways to deal with them. I now live with a degree of guilt that I pulled his rug out from under him at such a vulnerable time but I also felt a lot of anger towards him for leaving without saying goodby...no closure on that one.

i hope you feel a lot more peace than I have and you should. Your approach was totally appropriate to your family situation.

smiddy

I cant speak for myself , not being a born in and not having parents who were jw`s , however an adult family that we were close "freinds" with were born ins and their" elder" father would force them out in fs at the weekends sometimes even throwing water over them to get them out of bed .

The father was a real control person over all his children

One of the boys about 19 yrs old committed suicide

I honestly feel for all you people who are shunned by parents or children as a result of this excuse of a religion .

smiddy

Finally sent that letter, but not to mom...

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