help catagorize my wife: I truely believe she suffers from cognitive dissonance and other things this stupid cult causes.

by goingthruthemotions 20 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  goingthruthemotions

  Hello All,

  i need some help if possible. i find it hard sometimes to get a good idea has to how to communicate with my wife when it come to this stupid cult.. she is born in and stopped attending for many years and got baptized later in life.

  I truely believe she suffers from cognitive dissonance and other things this stupid cult causes.

  here is a breakdown of what i gather to be where she is mentally.

  * she calls the BORG her faith

  here are actions that she does that go against her thoughts:

  * she doesn't go out in field circus and when she does it's for 30 mins at a time. I don't go and i don't report time and am not sure if she does.

  sometimes I am at my wits end....her actions show she doesn't want to be in the BORG. but, the guilt inside probably eats her up.

  I truely believe she lacks the mental capacity to understand and research what she believes. and i know for a fact she has no idea of she has ever been taught and how the changes that have been made counter she has been taught.

  I feel she is has low inteligence when i comes to understanding this cult and is just burying her head in the sand.

  i really don't know how to deal with her on this level. i just try and ignore it because of lack of mental intellect for the BORG.

  Any suggestions on how to proceed would be good.

  I am sure i have forgot to put down things she does and doesn't do. so questions would be good.

  gttm
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  goingthruthemotions

  it seems like some of the items i listed has action were dropped.

  1. she calls the borg her faith

  2. she believes everything they say and has no reason to question them

  3. she believes the shuning is ok

  4. she considers the elders her spirtual head and not me.

  things she does that counter her actions.

  1. very rarely goes in field circus

  2. always late for meetings.

  3. talks to DA'd sister

  4. son's are not allowed to hang with associate with witnesses....only non witness kids will do

  5. believe in higher education.
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  ABibleStudent

  Hi goingthruthemotions, Have you read any of Steven Hassan's books such as his revision to his first book "Combating Cult Mind Control" or watched any of his videos such as Strategic Interactive Approach explained 2003 (1:23:23)?

  Your best options are to:

  1. help your wife get involved in time consuming hobbies that she loves where she will meet more non-JWs.
  2. Learn when your wife's authentic persona is in control, how to enable it to become stronger, and how to turn-off her cult persona.
  3. Learn how to overcome thought-stopping platitudes without making your wife suspicious.
  4. Ask simple questions to help your wife critically think for herself like Billy the Ex-Bethelite wrote in

     exJW Psychology 102--How to Ask a Question When Questions Aren't Allowed

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  goingthruthemotions

  Thank you ABibleStudent...alot of times my frustration is in the fact that i don't believe she has the mental aptitude to understand what she believes.

  she is a smart woman in other things....but this. not so much.

  I wish i would have never got involved with this cult. a huge mistake
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  John Aquila

  She is going through a mental and emotional battle. It's not the truth- yes it is- no it's not- yes it is!

  You're just going to have to be patient and try to help her along. It's not easy learning the Real Truth for some people. And since it involves deep seated emotions like, living forever in paradise earth, the answer to why there is suffering, an end to wickedness very soon, it makes it even more difficult to let go since no other religion teaches those things exactly like the WT does.
  
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  LisaRose

  You might want to start by not thinking of it in terms of her "lacking mental capacity" and having a "lack of mental intellect" when it comes to the Borg, those are insulting and demeaning terms. A lot of very intelligent people were taken in by the Watchtower, what made them stay was the mind control used, not their lack of intelligence.

  It's pretty common for people to say they believe things but then act in ways that are contrary to that belief. It's easy to skip meetings and do token field service, it's harder to actually admit you made a mistake and joined the wrong religion, that takes effort and a willingness to confront difficult issues and deal with emotional fallout from that. You will not get your wife to leave until she is mentally ready to do so.

  If you want to help your wife, do not tell her anything, people do not like being told what to do. Instead try to draw her out and figure out what it is that keeps her clinging to a religion that she doesn't enjoy. Does she fear Armageddon? Does she enjoy the social aspects of the religion? Does she think other religions are corrupt? Once you figure out what she gets out of being a JW, then slowly start asking leading questions to get her to think.

  Be patient, she made get there in time on her own, or you may help her out, but it may take some time.
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  StarTrekAngel

  I am pretty much in the same boat as you. My wife is in the same situation. She calls it "her faith" but she does not fully practice it. Marginal believers are harder to understand than hard line JWs. She can say that there is wrong in the org and we should concentrate in the good and, in a whim, say that is not ok to go to any church even when all churches have something good. The first thing I did was stop questioning her intelligence. Not even think about it. If you do so, eventually you will make it evident and she will be very offended. After all, is not her intelligence speaking, is the cult personality. The cult personality is not intelligent, but she sure is.

  They are right about steering her to do something else. Even if it doesn't fill her entire time (although that would be ideal). One of the first things I did (she keeps on telling me "her faith" keeps the bitch in her calmed) was complementing her when she curses. I tell her she sounds sexy when she curses (she actually does so point for me there). Plus, like almost every woman, she has self image issues and so telling her that she is sexy is a big plus. Lets make it clear, I've always thought she is sexy, I am not making this up.

  After that, I realized she kept on looking for drink recipes online but she never really tried them. So one Friday I went out and bought a couple of bottles, some ingredients and even got a set of glasses. We've got drunk a couple of times only but we are making it a weekend thing to make drinks, before or after dinner. I have to admit that it was a good idea for both of us. In between this and some pressure at work, drinking has been a pretty good relaxer.

  She had also stop going to field service pretty much when I did. However, I do know that she wants to be there. She asked me if my research had shown me that I did not need to preach (since it seems so clear to her that we should do it) and I said I was not sure yet but that the WT teaches that is ok to put your belief on hold while you clear doubts. She has not attended FS since and has not attempted to talk me into going. We've been late to pretty much every meeting and I make sure not to show up around her when she is getting ready (she thinks that as "hurry, we are late").

  In other words, and as the books says, attempt to bring out the old personality on her. The pre-cult personality. Take obvious chances but don't be pushy. We have not had a religious discussion for a couple of months now and we are doing great. However, after this last Sunday study I started looking for a chance to ask her what she thought of it. Turns out my 4 year old girls is very outspoken and has already said that she hates going to the hall, that is boring. So last week, after coming back from a long day at work, we laid down in bed. I looked at her and she said "lets get ready". So I repeated what my daughter said (I hate the Jehovah! is so boring!). She smiled and then thanked me for going anyway. Having this nice open moment, I took the chance and asked her. So we had a brief discussion of what I thought were the implications of this new understanding. I did not push anything on her but ended my statement with the questions "Do you not think this new understanding completely destroys the foundation for the authority of the F&DS?" I did not expect or asked for an answer.

  I can not wait for this book study to end. It is my understanding that we will be studying the kingdom book next. I can not wait to get to the parts where they explain their organizational structure and the "overlapping generation". I think I am going to have a field day with that one.
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  OneEyedJoe

  It sounds like your wife has some similarity to mine, and I think the root of it may be that the cult has systematically destroyed their self-confidence. They have no faith in themselves to make the right decision, so they put it on their parents or the elders to decide for them - and they'll always pick the cult 100% of the time.

  When I showed my wife the misquotes/lies in the creation book, her response was basically "I just must not be understanding this right." It's impossible in her mind that they could be lying, so anything that she sees that could be interpreted as a lie is her misunderstanding it.

  What I'm trying to do (and hopefully you'll have more luck than I have so far) is push her towards non-cult things that she can find fulfillment in. When people are able to do something rewarding and express themselves and see it turn out well, they naturally gain confidence that will spill over into other areas of life. There's also the side-benefit of having interests outside the cult that can replace cult activities.
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  LisaRose

  When people are able to do something rewarding and express themselves and see it turn out well, they naturally gain confidence that will spill over into other areas of life. There's also the side-benefit of having interests outside the cult that can replace cult activities.

  Bingo. I think you are right, one eyed Joe. The Watchtower is constantly harping on the fact that mankind is basically sinful and stupid and needs God to tell them what to do, and by God they actually mean themselves.
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  KiddingMe

  Same boat here. My husband does just about all the same actions as your wife. There's a lot of contradictory. They seem do just enough for Jah to get the guilt off of their back. This could be used to an advantage as they are a little more free thinking than the average JW.

  I think part of it is being a lazy thinker as it pertains to JW stuff. Maybe because it's too much to handle mentally and allows them to slack off some without as much guilt or cognitive dissonance.

  It gets frustrating at times, such as we may miss three weekends of field service then it's the most important thing in the world and he says y'all (the family) act like you don't know what we do on Saturday mornings...blah blah blah...I want to say really?..but we are use to the drill now. I'll just say I don't feel well and he'll go by hisself, then return as if it's nothing complaining about everything that happen during field service.

  He complains anout JW injustices inflicted upon us or any one else for that matter. It seems like the writing is on the wall or as my mother says it, "if you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen." But no, there's something keeping him trapped.

  I'm not sure if it will help but I've been trying to subtly help him to see for himself that the GB are at the root of a lot of the many unnecessary things we deal with. I point out when appropriate, when the GB are not in harmony with the bible. Then I say something like, but of course the GB are just Human and trying to maintain control of things. I want to make this a reoccurring theme so that hopefully something will click and he will get sick of them. I just keep reiterating as appropriate for something we are going through or to help relieve him of some guilt for missing a meeting, service, etc.

  A few days ago, he was speaking to a brother about another brother that was complaining about someone speaking to their disfellowshipped child. I overheard my husband say, everyone has do what they are comfortable with. There is nothing in the bible that say you absolutely shouldn't help your disfellowshipped child, the GB are men and it's their opinion, they mean well, but we all have something to work on.

  This shocked me, because over a month ago he said I had a problem with the governing body because of something I said and to clean it up, I said no I don't, I know they are human and mean well, that's why they keep changing stuff but at the end of the day we all have to answer for ourself.

  I'm sorry for being long winded but my point is to try to keep encouraging independent thinking based on the bible. This could be a start. Hopefully they will start to recognize a pattern with th GB and can eventually break free.