Coming out to the closet to your family as an "apostate". Any experiences? Your input would be greatly appreciated.

by im_free 20 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

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  im_free

  So it's been about 10 years since I have faded out and have stopped believing in the JW teachings. Since then, I have accepted Jesus and have experienced an amazing tranformation in my life and have been freed from the JW prison mentally and spiritually. A more detailed thread about my journey is here if you are interested.

  Anyways, my JW family lives in another State so they are unaware that I am no longer "in the truth" since I have not told them. I am an only son who was raised since early childhood with high expectations to serve in the organization. I am a former bethelite. My mother is a hard core JW who has pioneered for decades. I don't want to hurt my family by telling them the truth, yet at the same time I know I can't hide this forever. It kills me when I visit them every year and I have to put on the JW face and act like nothing has changed. I am fearful of what their reaction will be if and when I break the news. I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing by hiding it from them all these years. Is it better to just go ahead and spill the beans and whatever happens, happens?

  Has anyone had the experience of taking the leap and telling your family? What was their reaction? Has it permanently damaged your relationship or do they eventually deal with it after a certain amount of drama and time passes?
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  stuckinarut2

  TREAD CAREFULLY!

  Trust me.......even the most loving family can snap when you come out with such discussions....
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  jgnat

  I am close to a young couple who recently came out of the closet and were immediately rejected by their families. It is devastating.

  Ten years? Would your family prefer to pretend you are simply inactive?
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  conflicted89

  It varies from family to family. I understand your position and know you must be suffering thinking about the situation. In two weeks I will be seeing my family for the last time before I tell them about my relationship which will lead to my being DF'ed.

  You said you have faded out but you haven't told family. Do you mean they don't know you aren't going to meetings?

  Do you have to tell them you are apostate? Telling them you aren't interested in being a witness is very different from saying you are apostate. At the moment my family know I don't go to meetings and my relationship with them hasn't been affected beyond the "encouraging chats" they feel obliged to have.

  Personally, I would try to avoid mentioning its been so long since you left... They might feel deceived and that could cause more problems than if you just say you have decided it's not for you.

  Take your time and think about it, you will know in your heart what feels right to you, just take your time to find out what that is.

  Wish you all the best, Conflicted
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  Apognophos

  I can understand the desire to just come out with it and clear the air, but this is probably not a constructive desire to act upon. I advocate people coming out about their doubts when they are in a situation where they feel stuck in because of family (the "tear the band-aid off" approach), but I don't advocate coming out of the closet when you don't stand to benefit from it in any way.

  The religion has already victimized you enough, and you'll be giving it an opportunity to bite you even harder by telling your family something that makes you liable to be shunned. It's absolutely okay in my book for someone to put their own interests first after coming out of the religion and having spent years putting everyone else ahead of themselves.
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  Oubliette

  I don't advocate living a lie, pretending to be something you aren't, but that doesn't mean that you have to tell your parents everything about what you do and do not believe.

  "Coming out" may seem like a good idea, but what do you have to gain? You have much to lose.

  I know a young man that recently "came out" to his family about his beliefs concerning this religion. I tried to talk him out of it first, but he was determined.

  After the told them he no longer believed JWs "are the truth" he called me to tell me how it went. He said he thought he would feel better, but instead he felt terrible.

  So far they aren't shunning him. But many, many people lose families over this.

  We tell them they're in a cult. They deny it and shun us thereby proving our point, yet they fail to see this. That's how messed up someone is that is fully indoctrinated in the JW mentality and mindset.
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  bafh

  Don't do it. Being honest with people doesn't mean you have to tell them nor do they have the right to know everything about you. They know what kind of person you are by how you are when you are with them. Does it really matter that you don't believe any more? Will it be helpful or harmful to them and to you?

  I think if you can resolve it with yourself that you do not need to share this detail of your life, things will be easier for you and for them.

  my 2 cents,

  bafh
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  DesirousOfChange

  Anyways, my JW family lives in another State so they are unaware that I am no longer "in the truth" since I have not told them.

  Ten years...........I wouldn't tell them now either.

  What they don't know won't hurt them you.

  Doc
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  QC

  What's the hurry?

  They're going to figure out sooner than later the real deal.

  Keep things simple.

  im_free: I have accepted Jesus

  BTW, evangelicals have a similar rude awakening as JWs.

  Y’all have more in common than you think, console each other as you learn.
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  Odrade

  im_free, my husband and I have been out for a similar length of time. For the first couple of years we were very protective of our "fade." After some time though, we begin to question what exactly we were protecting. We decided that over the long term it would not be possible to hide our exit, nor did we want to pretend. If our family relationships were to be tense, we wished them to be tense in honesty, not over some subterfuge. We chose to always answer truthfully when questioned, or else to say "that is a private matter, thanks for not asking again." Whenever we are invited to a meeting or memorial, we politely decline, but we definitely decline.

  Yeah, relationships with our parents are strained, maybe broken. But we do not have to hide, pretend, or lie, and that feels so much better.

  YMMV. Best of luck.