Despite my user name, am female.
I was not born-in, began studying when I was around 20, am 50 damn years old now and have spent almost the last 30 years in that stupid religion.
But here are some observations, make of them what you will.
I met and married my wonderful husband "in the truth" but thank goodness we both came out of it together within the past few years (is a whole other story for another time) .
But now that we are what the Witnesses would call "full-blown apostates", we are also finding that the dynamics of our relationship are changing. We are actually growing and becoming MORE RESPECTFUL of each other. It's like we actually appreciate each other now MORE because we're not constantly judging each other or nit-picking each other due to organizational standards and the feeling of never "doing enough" or being good enough.
Because you see, as a JW family, my husband worked (and worked DAMN HARD! and still does) while I stayed home or did some part-time work. Hubby would come home from work, tired, yet still had to change, shower, have supper, etc., to get ready for the stupid meetings. Well after being on this treadmill for many years, he started staying home some meeting nights, saying he was just "too tired".
You know the standard JW response, "We're ALL tired...., blah blah blah.... but the kingdom must be our priority... gotta change our life's priorities..."
But how does this make the average JW wife VIEW her poor, tired, hard-working husband? Does she see his difficult & challenging days of work & daily grind as a gift for his family, to show how much he loves and cares for them? No, she sees his work as some sort of necessary evil, taking him away from spiritual things. And if/when there are times when his work takes him away from service, meeting nights, family study, and so she looks at him as being -- I hate this word so much -- SPIRITUALLY WEAK, or not taking the lead or whatever crap. She doesn't truly appreciate him for the PERSON he is, for the hard work he does for his family -- she only looks at him for what he ISN'T DOING, according to the clueless standards of the WT GB man-babies who don't have to work in the real world and who have every little need taken care of for them.
Despite the WT talk of "headship", the JW wife knows that she has her husband in a pretty good cock-hold (excuse the expression) because she only has to purse her lips in a disapproving way to convey all the authority of the WTS behind her and backing her. The husband is controlled by the standards of the organization all bound up within his self-righteous little WT wife (which I totally was! ugh. Makes me feel so sick inside!) Does husband want to watch sports? Uh oh, what does the Society say about that? Does he want to relax with a good Arnold or Stallone movie? Uh oh. Too violent. That's BAD. Bad, bad, bad. The wife just has to frown in disapproval and make clucking sounds, and the husband is controlled again.
The man is the "head", but in reality, this is a mirage. (Unless he's one of those assholes that are abusive and controlling himself, and yes, there are a lot of those, too! The JW doctrines totally allow for that situation too!) I'm referring to the average NICE GUY JW who isn't a jerk and who really loves his family and wants the best for them. These poor husbands are cock-holded in every way.
Now that I'm 50, I see the years on my face and the wrinkles developing from my 30 years of life being a jehovah's witness. What kind of face have I grown? I have a deep frown line between my eyebrows, probably from all those years of "disapproving" of everything and judging everything, including my dear wonderful husband. I have worry lines on my forehead from all my "false concern" and insincere smuggity-ness. There are fake smile lines beside my mouth where I learned how to "smile sadly" (or so condesendingly) when speaking to "people of the world" or even fellow Witnesses. But I digress.
The average JW husband feels the whole weight of the org behind his wife, whenever something is disputed, whenever something needs to be decided in even the simplest matter such as as what movie to watch or what to do for recreation or where to go for a holiday.
So I think this may help explain the reaction of some JW wives to their husbands when their husbands no longer buy the bullshit of the WTS. The wives know they have LOST CONTROL. They cannot cluck or purse their lips or frown about the badness or appropriateness of whatever any more. Their husbands have reclaimed their right to decide how to live, what to think, where to go, what to watch, what to do, etc. The society and their standards have no more hold on them. So JW wives freak out. They don't know how to reason or think. They only know the FEAR & GUILT methods of control. Despite the WTS's counsel about headship and submission, JW wives often freak out on their now-worldly or apostate husbands because they are AFRAID. They don't know who this person is. This INDIVIDUAL - their own husband - is now a stranger. He won't submit to the org's control. So the wife, if she believes the doctrines & dogma, now sees him as "being over-reached by Satan", someone who is in grave danger and terrible spiritual condition.
The org wants to keep us all like babies, no thoughts of our own, no mind, no will, except to further their own. JW women who had their husbands by the balls (with the full backing of the WTS) can no longer access that control.
So they cry, they trantrum, they scream & freak out. It's like when you meet a JW now (we are not DF'd, but successfully faded), and you tell them you're no longer going to meetings, they look so shocked and scared and say things like, "Oh no! You don't want to DIE, do you?? If you don't go to meetings, you will DIE AT ARMAGGEDON!" That's about the only thing they know how to say. Other than begging. We had one friend send an email saying, "Please, please, please don't leave Jehovah!! You can't miss the meetings!" It's just begging and trying to fear and guilt you into coming back.
Anyway, I'm just thinking that if this insight is useful, it might help some of you who are still in a relationship with a JW -- where there is probably a similar dynamic with genders reversed -- maybe it will help you see why your spouse may be behaving so badly toward you. A lot of it IS A TANTRUM because they know they can't control you. But you don't want to make your issue with them be about control. Make it be about LOVE and that you still LOVE them and you are the same basic person inside.
As to our own relationship, I can see that my husband is actually more confident and if he wants to see a damn fine shoot-em-up movie, he's going to damn well see one! Or do whatever else he wants to do.
But he's not doing this in a "I get to be a jerk!" sort of way, but in the capacity of being an ADULT making his own choices and living his own life now. And as he is over 60, I think it's about damn time that he gets to enjoy himself and not have to worry about somebody else's standards and judgments, including mine. I know my husband loves me, and he still does the most wonderful things for me every day, but he is also an adult male!! So this is how our relationship is changing... I don't have that "WT control" over him any more. I admit, at first it was weird and frightening, but we are growing and progressing into becoming INDIVIDUALS who *choose* to be and stay together because we love, respect, and value each other. And so every day with each other is like a gift. The moments we share are precious and vital.
It's a very "adult" and beautiful thing. :)
Apologize for the length of this.