i was happy before i woke up

by losingit 47 Replies latest jw friends

  • losingit

    Idk if waking up has been good for me. I still have almost no friends. im still waiting to graduate this December to qualify n b certified for my job. I get treated horribly by my ex, and the stress is a killer. Life is super complicated. Before, my family was intact. But I couldn't handle not being me anymore and I behaved in ways I never imagined I would. I feel tremendous guilt and insecurity. Sometimes I wish I didn't struggle with the 'Truth'. Sometimes I wish I could've fit te mold. But I never fit in. And I never felt good enough. I doubted myself so much. I tried really hard. And I'm still paying the consequences of failing at being a Witness.

  • stuckinarut2

    I hear you, but hang in there.

    It is true that "ignorance is bliss" , but after learning "the truth about the truth" , it is impossible to "unlearn" what we have learned.

    Ask yourself though, would you still like to be blindly following the org after all you have learned?

  • Phizzy

    It is early days for you . Things get better and better, although we have to carry the load that leaving brings, different in all our cases, but still not easy.

    Have you considered Counselling ? someone able and qualified to deal with us in our unique situation is a real help, at least, I found it so.

    I was in a dangerous state when I sought a Therapist thanks to a Poster on here urging me to do so, it was very, very helpful, still is.

  • LostGeneration

    Were you truly happy or were things just stable and predictable?

    That's my experience. Everything was predictable because I and the family followed the rules and regulations of the WTBTS. But I wasn't truly happy, nor were other members of my family.

    And I'm still paying the consequences of failing at being a Witness

    This is how a cults operate, make it so painful for someone to leave oftentimes makes them not even consider the possibility of getting out.

    Hang in, healing takes some time.

  • gingerbread

    It's time for you to take a break.

    Your world has been turned inside out - divorce is very hard and having kids during this process makes it even more difficult. Rejecting your religion and your 'friends' during this past year complicates things even more.

    Take stock of your life goals. Let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself.

    Understand that you cannot accept responsibility for things that you can't control (the outcome of a judicial meeting is one of those). Let it go.

    Change the things you can - take care of yourself. Find happiness in something simple every day.


  • itisme

    I think you can be a witness and be yourself....

    Most witnesses are not themselves, I know, but it is possible.

    You just have to develop an ignorance to what others in the congregation might think of you and be aware and conscious all the time that Jehovah accepts you as you are, He does not want you to become somebody else, in order to love you and accept you. He already loves you and accepts you as you are.


    How can you go D2D and preach as "truth" what you know to be just an interpretation at best, or totally false? To be a JW in good standing and to be considered spiritual, you must do this. How can engaging in a activity that violates your conscience, through coercion, be equated with being yourself??

    if you know TTATT, then you MUST play a role. Need I mention the paranoia in the ORG??


  • Ding

    You said, "And I never felt good enough. I doubted myself so much. I tried really hard."

    Please recognize that the WT programs JWs to feel that way.

    That's their motivational system.

    You may think that most people at the KH had their act together.

    The truth is that virtually all of them feel inadequate, guilty, self-doubting, and burn themselves out trying.

  • wallsofjericho

    Hi Losing it...

    I understand completely how you feel. I am still in the org with my family even though I am mentally 100% out.

    I endured about 3 years of horrible stress over this but I started coming around when I allowed myselft the right to be happy regardless of what that required.

    I'm not saying its easy, but I have found a way to be happy as a JW despite not beleiving a word of it. I've also found several inside that feel as I do. But we all love our freindships and our bonds.

    Needless to say I don't hang out with die-hards that cry about the new system all day long ( you know the types) I have a great group of freinds that just like the same things I do, sports, music, traveling, good food, etc. What's wrong with that?

    call me fake, or whatever you want. I have discovered that all that matters is being happy. period. There are happy JW's, happy Catholics, happy atheists, happy muslims, and there are miserable JW's, Catholics, atheists and muslims.

    For anyone to say that you can't be a JW and be happy is a very naive statement. There is no right or wrong answer.

    People in all walks of life keep parts of their lives private, religion, politics, sexual preferences, opinions etc. Not because their "hiding" it, its just what many of us do in a society to keep peace with our friends, families and co-workers.

    If being a JW makes you miserable then LEAVE! but if being happy is more important than being right, (which I truly believe it is) then find your niche and you will find freinds that are like you and understand you, and THAT makes life great, even as JW

  • Ingenuous


    I was about to reply when I realized I was typing out the entire article I already wrote here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/belief---relationships-changing-religion-without-screwing.html

    Hope you find something helpful!

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