I am just struggling - so I come here hoping for some support - not judgement. I hope people who are born-in can understand and help me out a bit.
I appreciate that you're struggling. But you should take on board any answer that you get here. It's like you've gone onto a forum of computer experts and asked how to safely install a new PCI card in the computer while it's running. The main response you're going to get is, "Don't do that. Why would you want to do that?"
The best advice we can give you is to take courage and investigate your religion. There's a good reason why the Society tries to scare people away from reading what ex-Witnesses have written; it's because they know what apostates know.