I love my life, I don't want to die

by losingit 35 Replies latest jw experiences

  • jgnat

    Aunt Fancy said everything I wanted to say. I raised my two children on my own and I felt keenly the extra burden that was on me. Get an insurance policy and a will made up, as morbid as that sounds. Then work at being as strong and healthy as you can be. I sense your natural approach to life is fun and full of whimsy. Find that place again.

  • losingit

    Ducatijoe-- thank you for sharing your life experience with me. I know I am going through the roughest period of my life right now, but I will survive it, move forward, and be in a better place. I have faith.

    LoisLane-- thank you for your words of support. I do not make use of the PMs, perhaps I should. I haven't seen too many ppl sharing their life experiences lately. I usually go to those to read uplifiting and encouraging advice.

    Jeannette and Perry-- i am not ready to pray to him consciously. Perhaps he feels the natural prayers of supplication, thanksgiving, and mourning that come out of my heart. If he is a fantasy creation, God, I do not know. There is a Creator, I am just not sure he hears prayers.

  • losingit

    Aunt Fancy-- thank you for the suggestion of writing a will and getting a life insurance policy in the case of anything happening to me. I am going to research that this week and secure a will and life insurance policy right away.

  • losingit

    HowTheBibleWasCreated-- I recently started studying Buddhism. There are many aspects to it that are appealing to me at the moment. Perhaps I'll become Buddhist while still retaining my belief in a Creator. But right now all religion is hands-off. The deception practiced by the Witnesses unsettled me, and I cannot return to religion with the type of open heart that I had so many years ago.

    Maranatha-- reading that text again from Matthew brought tears to my eyes. It used to be one of my favorite illustrations/ teachings by Jesus. But then we get to Matthew 6:33.... it leaves such a nasty taste in my mouth, remembering the Witnesses. Someone should create a Witness-free Bible a-la Thomas Jefferson's Bible.

    Hortensia and Freedom-77: yeahhhhh i gotta open up to the therapist. :-/ not something i am really looking forward to. i do like your idea, though, of writing a letter and having her read it. i usually start writing letters and never send them. i did that a lot towards the end with my ex-husband. i wanted to say so many things, and just felt that it was pointless to continue bc i was afraid he'd never address what i wrote. i was a coward, too, towards the end of my marriage. but with the therapist, it's her job to touch on and discuss all of the points i make.

    TG Jasper-- I am the product of a marriage that should have ended a long time ago. I grew up in a miserable household with lots of screaming, hollering, and physical abuse. I remember telling my mom to please get a divorce already. She decided to stay, thinking it would be better if we remained an intact family unit. I guess. I just wanted peace. Things have calmed down significantly in my own household since the separation, but my girls have seen me too many times dwell in my depression since last January. It's definitely gotten better with time. My dedication to my girls helps me to stay focused on what's in front of me, a better future. I'll get there.

    Village girl-- my parents are helping me out financially during this time, but I feel absolutely horrible about it. I am also getting help from the state at this time, what we call in the US, "food stamps" and energy assistance. I hope to get rental assistance in September. I'll be working again in the fall-- either as a long-term substitute teacher or a full-fledged teacher. You are right-- the girls do need a stable, secure, happy environment. I do not lock myself in my room all day every day to cry, let me assure you! We've gone to visit the trail by the creek where we live, and we've gone to the pool a bunch of times. I'm always looking to make a special connection with them, always kissing them, always hugging them, always telling them how smart and beautiful they are, and the reasons why, always telling them about the wonderful qualities they possess. I fall short, but I do think as parents we all aim for perfection and are disappointed when we don't hit our mark. I know that I'm a good mom bc I work hard at it. :-) As for child support, the ex has his own business, so getting child support from him from his paycheck is just not going to happen. I have to call the child support office for an update on the situation.

    Quelly-- i love your name! quellycatface :-) I am looking for some charities that might help me secure some free baby furnitiure and clothing, but it's hard to get good information online. My parents are already helping out a ton with my 2 oldest girls (which makes me feel so bad) and they've made it clear that they will not provide the same amount of support for this third baby. I completely understand, and it is fine by me. How much do babies really need, really? A safe bed, some clothing for the winter, a breast pump so that I can give good yummy food to this baby, some bottles, and diapers, okay. I've been broke before, but not like this. This is freaking poverty. I'll make it through. Thank you for your words of support.

    Daniel 1555-- for a while, when i was first learning TTATT i read a lot of near death experiences shared on this forum and elsewhere. I will admit that it did provide me a measure of comfort. I've been reluctant to enter into the realm of religion again, and sometimes religiosity seeps into near-death experience accounts, so i haven't read as many recently because of that. Maybe I should try again. I am working towards what you wrote here: " Even though I lost my religion (JW) I didn't loose my faith. I pray to and thank my creator, just in a different way than before as a JW." That's my basic spiritual goal.

    Jgnat: " I raised my two children on my own and I felt keenly the extra burden that was on me." <-- yes! that right there, that's what it is. I am going to follow yours and Aunt Fancy's advice, yes I am! :-) Strong and healthy-- that's the constant mental and physical goal of my life. Always the aim, especially when life hits the rocks. Thank goodness for this forum.

  • Perry

    But right now all religion is hands-off. The deception practiced by the Witnesses unsettled me, and I cannot return to religion with the type of open heart that I had so many years ago.

    When I left the WT, this was my experience too. However, it began to become apparent that this was the desired result for those that leave. The watchtower brainwashes people to believe, "it's us or nothing". This is simply the devil continuing his bullying in our ears.... trying to make us feel sorry for ourselves for having wasted our belief on an illusion.

    Jesus warned us that there would be deceptions everywhere....Did he not? He said many would come on the basis of his name saying "I am he". Think how the WT hijacked the term "Truth" for itself when in fact Jesus is, "The Way, The TRUTH, and the Life". - A near EXACT fulfillment of Jesus prediction.

    Think of 2 Tim 3: 16 where it says that just by reading the bible a person can be complete, whole, lackng nothing, completely equipped. Did we believe that scripture as JW's? Noooo, we kept on right ahead practicing our idolatry.

    It you like defeat, go ahead and continue in your self pity. If you want to win, if you want to defeat the enemy, if you want to avoid judgment after death, if you want to assist in shoving the devil down his little hell-filled snake-hole where he came from, then get up, stand up, dust yourself off, start believing God, & start experiencing victory in Christ Jesus.

  • LisaRose

    My feeling is that if God exists, and if he is a loving God, why would he want to have us serve him out of fear and dread? Why would he leave such a confusing book of instructions? It makes no sense. If he is so all powerful, why does he allow so much hatred, abuse and disinformation in his name? If he would punish you for trying to be a good mother, what kind of God is he?

    Really, I think your problem is anxiety, not religion. Being a single mom is a heavy responsibility. I was not a single mom, but my husband at the time was a selfish lazy person who did not help me one bit, either financially or in any other way, to raise our children (although to hear him tell it, he was father of the year, lol) so I get the anxiety, really, it can be overwhelming. But your anxiety will actually prevent you from being a good parent, plus its no fun, so it's time to get on top of it.

    Obviously pursue what every therapy you can get. If one therapist doesn't help you try another one. They will have insight that can really help you, so listen to what they have to say, even if it is hard. I recommend meditation for dealing with stress. It's easy, free, and very effective. It does take time and practice, but it's well worth the investment of time, I find that ten minutes a day causes me to be more focused the rest of the day, so it's well worth it. There are many ways to meditate, look on the internet or go to a good bookstore. If the religious aspect bothers you, avoid that, it's not necessary. I also recommend journaling, which is a good way to deal with and get on top of negative emotions. Just sit down, every day, and write. It doesn't matter what, just write whatever pops into your head. Keep at it and eventually you will start to see a pattern, you will start to identify what is bugging you, you will see a pattern. Pay attention to that, it's your best self trying to get through to you, your anxiety has prevented you from listening to it.

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