I love my life, I don't want to die

by losingit 35 Replies latest jw experiences

  • losingit

    hello everyone....

    i've been thinking a lot lately, when i have a chance to be alone my mind immediately comes to the topic at hand-- I don't want to die.

    I am so scared that I could die at any moment, and then-- what would happen to my girls? what would happen to my precious little girls?

    When I drive now, I am so careful. I am afraid I will crash and die. I don't want to let go of my life at all. I am not ready for it at all.

    I am 5 months pregnant. I find out if the baby is a boy or a girl on Tuesday at 1:30pm. I should be happy. Instead, I am terrified of going to have my C-section and dying on the table, that something could go wrong. I am scared.

    My ex, he doesn't know I am pregnant. (it's not his baby, i haven't seen him in more than 6 months) that's not really the issue-- he's been so irresponsible and reckless lately, partying up a storm day- in and day-out. he has nothing to do with the girls hardly, and not by my doing. he doesn't visit, rarely calls. doesn't pay child support. the girls have been abandoned by their father. so if i die, what happens to my girls? i am so scared.

    i want to live for my girls. i want to give them the best possible life. i want to live! i don't want to die. but i'm so scared that it's going to happen. i am all alone.

    i miss praying to God. i miss saying 'thank you' for this food today. thank you for the sun, it is so beautiful and bright. thank you for the plants and the animals that are so beautiful. i used to say in my prayers-- Jehovah, you are such a funny God, you have a great sense of humor-- look at all the funny looking animals you created! we get to enjoy them and laugh at them and take care of them, how beautiful is this privilege. but i don't pray anymore. i can't even start. i just reminisce about God, and how much I miss him.

    when i'm all alone in my apartment, i sob, i wail because i love life and i am so scared of losing it.

  • Band on the Run
    Band on the Run

    Maybe the pregnancy has caused an imbalance in your body that triggers anxiety. I've had short term obsessions.

  • losingit

    haha! pregnancy-- i'm hormonal, definitely. sentimental, for sure. but i don't really think that's the issue. i am talking about a feeling deep down in the heart, Band on the Run.

    btw-- i always know when it's you writing, i don't even need to see your thingamahjig or your name. your style is very distinct.

  • EndofMysteries

    What BotR says can be true, but only intensifying things. I have the concern myself, after learning TTATT and not having that certainty anymore, I still believe in a God but I am not certain what if any future there is for us humans. There was even a book, it may have been the book of enoch or another book closely related to the bible, that said men weren't created to be immortal or to life indefinitely like the angels. That was the reason angels were forbidden to marry or take women. But men and anything of flesh do die. So even an ancient book about God, there was a teaching that this is it. And even though I'm fairly young, the more time goes by the faster it goes. Life feels WAY too short. So I'm sure your concerns are legit but your response to them can be exaggerated by hormones.

  • yadda yadda 2
    yadda yadda 2

    You poor thing. Do you have any close family and friends to support you through these tough times? You need to share with your loved ones, parents, sibings, and you need to try and find a nice new man too (don't go fooling yourself that all men are bad and you can go it alone from here). Try not to be morosely absorbed, pondering on unrealistic fears and exaggerating risks of death in your mind. What you are really suffering from is deep insecurity from being abandoned by your daughters father and fears for your future. You should not struggle through alone right now, reach out for help. Work on trying to feel more safe and secure going forward for yourself and current and future children. Rebuild your family ties and connections, and open yourself to letting others love and help you.

  • EndofMysteries

    And my holding on to a belief in God is not due to blind hope. Because as I said in my above response, even with God, there is a chance this is it. I wish if he was around observing he'd somehow send atleast convicing proof to us individually of what if anything may be in store after we die.

  • losingit

    i just don't want to let go. i don't want to say goodbye to my loves, to my parents, to my girls. if i had friends, i'd say i don't want to let go of my friends.

    isn't this world so majestic? aren't the diversity of life forms stunning? i feel an intense deep connection to it all. but at the same time, i lose my sense of wonder with all of the heartaches and struggles i am going through right now to establish myself.

    i felt this baby kick at 4 months, 4 months! i am so aware of this life inside me.

    i think about my family's history, where they came from and why I am here. i feel like i've let my lineage down. i want to do better. i am trying my best to move my family forward, to provide by my girls. i love them! their hugs never meant more to me than now, since the separation. i look at them and think-- my God, there goes my blood, there goes my life, there goes my love, there goes my strength, there goes my courage, there goes my life!

  • losingit

    ohhhhh yadda yadda 2....................... all i want is security and stability. my family is begging me to move back home, but i refuse. i am a stubborn woman. i want to do this on my own. i'm giving myself one more year to make it, baby in tow. i am going into my retirement money that i have saved up to make it through this period. i've tried to keep it aside, but i have to pull it out. i am on my own.

    End of Mysteries-- i can't believe this is it, but i am afraid that it is. i love my girls and my parents and my dogs, and even my boyfriend! i love my ex-husband, too, very much, and it hurts me very badly that he is out running around with a bunch of skanks instead of LOVING his girls and LIVING for them. i feel like i've been gutted by his abandonment of the girls.

  • ducatijoe


    In 06 I had a heart attac while riding my motorcycle. All I could thing of while in the hospital was "I can't die! What about my family, what about my secrets, what about my sins"

    The following year I was DFed for living a double life. I had changed much of my life by then. No longer living a double life, got things is order, thought all was good. However my past was discovered and I was rightly DFed.

    My world came crashing in! I lost all that was important to me. I would walk around Wal mart late at night just to get to the morning.

    During this time I had a second heart attac. This time few were at my bed side. I thought I was not going to make it. However , this time I did not have the same fear. I did not care if I lived or died.

    I recovered, was re-instated and life went on. But not the same.

    Everything from the speakers sounded differant. The Brothers and sisters were differant.

    I then decided to leave on my own.

    Life has never been better. Please hang in there. Do not fear what will come. It will suprise you!

  • love2Bworldly

    Sounds like you're suffering from anxiety-- did you feel that anxious before in your life? Sounds like your family wants to be there for you-- don't push them away, even if you decide not to live with them. You definitely are feeling abandoned right now, I feel for you. I have always had abandonment issues due to my parents' neglect & having to leave several bad relationships., & leaving the JWs.

    I hope you feel better soon. Not sure what to advise since I don't know your circumstances. Do you need to talk to a therapist about your anxiety?

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