i've been thinking a lot lately, when i have a chance to be alone my mind immediately comes to the topic at hand-- I don't want to die.
I am so scared that I could die at any moment, and then-- what would happen to my girls? what would happen to my precious little girls?
When I drive now, I am so careful. I am afraid I will crash and die. I don't want to let go of my life at all. I am not ready for it at all.
I am 5 months pregnant. I find out if the baby is a boy or a girl on Tuesday at 1:30pm. I should be happy. Instead, I am terrified of going to have my C-section and dying on the table, that something could go wrong. I am scared.
My ex, he doesn't know I am pregnant. (it's not his baby, i haven't seen him in more than 6 months) that's not really the issue-- he's been so irresponsible and reckless lately, partying up a storm day- in and day-out. he has nothing to do with the girls hardly, and not by my doing. he doesn't visit, rarely calls. doesn't pay child support. the girls have been abandoned by their father. so if i die, what happens to my girls? i am so scared.
i want to live for my girls. i want to give them the best possible life. i want to live! i don't want to die. but i'm so scared that it's going to happen. i am all alone.
i miss praying to God. i miss saying 'thank you' for this food today. thank you for the sun, it is so beautiful and bright. thank you for the plants and the animals that are so beautiful. i used to say in my prayers-- Jehovah, you are such a funny God, you have a great sense of humor-- look at all the funny looking animals you created! we get to enjoy them and laugh at them and take care of them, how beautiful is this privilege. but i don't pray anymore. i can't even start. i just reminisce about God, and how much I miss him.
when i'm all alone in my apartment, i sob, i wail because i love life and i am so scared of losing it.