I am on the edge of a freak out ..... I think???

by DATA-DOG 72 Replies latest jw friends

  • OnTheWayOut

    Everybody has to look at their own situation and make their decisions on how to proceed. Best of luck to you.

    I will say what prompted me to fade away totally while my wife was active. I had my own depressions, my own unresolved past, my own need to get the hell out of the Kingdom Hall. It would have been great to keep going awhile longer and bring my JW wife out with me, but it was apparent that this was not to be the outcome for me. Despite the changed dynamics to my marriage, my leaving behind the meetings has made me a happier man able to face those unresolved issues from my past and be honest with myself about why I was ever a JW.

  • Pistoff

    OTWO, agree.

    I feel less insane since I stopped going, and have discovered my real self.

    DataDog, if you can be healthy, it will be positive for your wife.

    It may take a long time, but it sounds like you intend to stay with her for the sake of your daughter.

  • quellycatface

    Poor you.

    Carry on providing for your family. You are doing the right thing here. It's the WTBS that's wrong and morality bankrupt.

    Try not to take Mrs data dog seriously, she's in cult control.


  • abbasgreta

    As a family we "woke up" in 2007. For the next five years we hung on, purely out of fear of leaving. This five years affected us all, but in different ways. I was a born-in, now convinced the org were nothing but liars and not God's 'organisation' at all. I began to despise in my heart everything wt- assemblies, meetings etc, and used the home phone link a lot. I hope they couldn't hear us at the other end - we let our feelings rip during the meeting parts unable to hold it in whilst absent from the kh. Hubby had been coerced into baptism through love-bombing some 27 years previously. He immersed himself in his computer and casually went through the motions, totally unfased. I was rage-filled and tried to wake my mum up - no chance there. She told me I was 'a cog in the wheel'. I lived with a mixture of fear combined with increasing desperation.

    Eldest daughter 18, baptised at 14 went through a 'praying to Jehovah to sort his Governing Body out please' period. Youngest daughter, 16, also baptised at 14 picked up an electric guitar and learned to play it. I was in turmoil, very bitter with the org for lying to me for 55 years and angry with myself for being too scared to walk out.

    Last DA June 2012. So mind controlling and sick (especially the Friday - me and 2 daughters came home and sank a large bottle of wine to recover our composure). Still we hugged one another and vowed, "even though its all wrong we HAVE to stick at it, God will sort it out - surely there is something radically wrong with the GB at the moment, yes, that's it". The last CA was only a few weeks later. We felt like aliens. At one point I and eldest daughter walked out, sick to the stomach at a question by the DO "Have you all got your plans drawn up ready for the house you're going to build in the new system?" Everyone else, "ha ha ha". I sat there and got quite verbal - loud enough for heads to turn. "Do more - do more - Oh Get lost!" that sort of thing. At lunch time we sat in the car to eat, couldn't bear to be in the hall, put on an ACDC video, wound down the windows and sang as loud as we could - oh it felt good to protest in this little way.

    Decision made the following Wednesday never to go back - by all of us together. Eldest daughter then confided she had seriously come very close to hurling herself in front of a lorry three weeks previous. I had pondered ending it all at times too. Youngest daughter just said, "I stayed because you stayed - had I never been born into the jws I can tell you I could NEVER have become one." Hubby carried on computing - glad never to have to put a suit on ever again. Only NOW did we do some research via the internet. The shock of what we discovered was immense. They lied and lied and lied because the watchtower is a satanic cult. Period. We loved God still - the wt version of Him HAD to be erroneous and asked each other, could we remain associated with a satanic organisation even though it would mean losing family and the only 'friends' we had? The answer was letters of DA that week-end. This might be a point of note - whilst fading but attending meetings and assemblies you are exposing yourself to anti-Christian perverted 'doctrines of demons' even if you are only taking it in half-heartedly. Data-Dog is being chewed up having to be simply present whilst they are dishing up their vile 'spiritual' garbage, that's clear.

    Looking back on that 5 years - it was a living nightmare for a family held captive through mind control and who therefore never even dared to glimpse at anything 'apostate' which would have no doubt got us out earlier. But it turned out that in our case, the WT ITSELF freed us from the concept - of being God's sole channel, by false promises of "a new world soon" that they used like the "donkey and the carrot" parody. Why would 'Gods channel lie continually?" SOON for, 20, 30, 40 , 50 years? Liars. Liars. That is all it took. Woken up in one minute. Lurkers - just be honest and act on your gut feelings straight away. Faders who know TTAT, IF at all possible, for our circumstances greatly differ - if you can, just get out now would be my advice - the org is a death-dealing, soul-destroying place.

  • DesirousOfChange

    In the middle of my day, I get a text. My wife says that she has watched the film. She is in tears, sobbing. She says its our family in the film.

    1) Unless your wife is mentally unstable, this is simply emotional blackmail. Do not give in to it. Tell her to STFU and grow up and act like an adult. Adults don't sob and cry unless someone has died.

    2) Demand she write down what changes need to be made in your family. Specifics. Not simply "attend more meetings and increase Field Service". Rather have her write a schedule and more importantly, write a budget, since things seem difficult financially for you. If she does not work outside the home, suggest she get a part time job so that eventually you too can cut back to part time so you can aux pioneer. (Of course this is bullshit, but PUT IT ON HER to make it possible for you to be the spiritual man she wants you to be.)

    I swear by all that is holy, we're it not for my daughter, I would give up. Part of me wants to blow my f'ing head off, I'm not joking. The other part of me says , " F*** YOU WTBTS!! F*** YOU GB!!! F*** YOU ALL!!!" I yelled at "GOD" today and said, " BRING IT!!! Kill me!! I don't care!! You are NOT going to do ANYTHING!! You never do!! What do you do?? NOTHING!!"

    Unless you're mentally unstable that was a good vent. Now, you got it out of you. It's time for action not words.

    I have this thing inside of me that won't let me quit. I can't describe it. I'm not really in control. If I was in control then I would choose the easy way out. I feel like Bruce Banner trying to kill himself or Batman wanting to just quit, but he can't. He is just the other side of the crazy coin. Maybe I am too? If I am just as crazy then why fight? Why destroy my family for my theories of truth? Then a voice screams back, " THEY ARE LIARS!!! It's not the TRUTH!!" That screaming thing is what keeps me going sometimes.

    Of course you can't quit. You've just come to realize that your life was totally f*cked up and you were pursuing rainbows. Time to get on with reality and make a good life for your family. You might be too old to improve your own quality of life too much, but you can concentrate on your child[ren]. That was my situation. By the time I woke up from the JW stupor I was too old to make much of a difference in my personal situation, but I was insistent that my kids would not screw up the same way. But I have gotten past the guilt trips and we now "own" our time on the weekends and evenings vs giving it to WTS.

    I'm tired.

    SLEEP is the most important need you have to keep your emotional sanity and to function when you are awake. If you're spending hours late at night on this board or anything else. Shut it off. Go to bed.

    I wish I had it in me to give up, but I just can't. I am really starting to doubt my sanity. I don't even know what I really believe. I haven't figured it out.

    That's one of the steps many go through when they learn TTATT. It turned my entire life upside down. I don't know what I believe now either, but I know what I DO NOT believe. I DO NOT believe the WTS/GB/JWs have any mystical connection to Almighty God. They have no f*cking idea about what the future holds for me or them or anyone. They are delirious megalomaniacs and I was a pawn.

    I am seriously considering letting the Elders come over and challenging them. I will make them answer from the Bible, how I could know what the SLAVE knows, when the SLAVE says that only they can interpret scripture. I want to make them call me a liar, or show them up.

    Don't do anything stupid that will simply worsen your situation. The Elders are dumbasses or at least blinded pawns. They have no answers. All they can give you is WT rhetoric which will frustrate you even moreso.

    What would they say??

    Please come to a Judicial Committee. That's all they are trained to do when someone rocks the boat. So, STFU and smile to their face but go start getting your life moving in the right direction.

    Good luck,


  • DesirousOfChange

    ABBASGRETA, I loved your story! Thanks for sharing it.

    How fortunate you all were to wake up together and keep your entire family entact!


  • Oubliette

    Hang in there DD, it gets better.

    You know at some point you are going to quit going. The question is, "What are you waiting for?"

    If you don't know, then you should figure that out. Make a plan. Have a goal. Choose an exit date.


  • KateWild

    abba, fabulous experience thanks for sharing.

    DD, she is right mister. You have your new job, stick to your plan and escape. Kate xx

  • sporece

    The watchtower is good at making people feel guilty all the time for not doing enough.

    At assemblies thay would bring out experiences of sisters with unbeliving husband and 5 kids and they were pioneering and at the end they would ask the audience " Can you go in prayer before Jehovah and give him an excuse why you are not pioneering?"

    I would hear from my ex-wife the same as you while i was trying to pay the bills, raise 3 kids.

    Ask your wife if you notice in the congregation anyone that has been helped by Jehovah?

  • sporece

    The watchtower is good at making people feel guilty all the time for not doing enough.

    At assemblies thay would bring out experiences of sisters with unbeliving husband and 5 kids and they were pioneering and at the end they would ask the audience " Can you go in prayer before Jehovah and give him an excuse why you are not pioneering?"

    I would hear from my ex-wife the same as you while i was trying to pay the bills, raise 3 kids.

    Ask your wife if you notice in the congregation anyone that has been helped by Jehovah?

Share this