After leaving did the feeling go away?

by committeechairman 45 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

  • punkofnice

    I know I'm not evil but I still feel unworthy to live amongst normal humans.

  • exwhyzee

    Feelings are caused by thoughts. Negative thoughts produce negative feelings which in turn produce more negative thoughts and feelings. It's a downward spiral that must be stopped in it's tracks.

    If because of your JW training you were convinced that only those who are heavily involved in promoting their beliefs, are worthy of God's love, it only makes sense that after you leave, you would possibly feel worse for a time. If you still have lingering beleifs, you'll have to identify them and delve into why that is so. When you are feeling particularly worthless, you'll have to identify and investigate the source of the specific thoughts you were having when the feelings came over you.

    Part of the therapy of this forum comes from looking at our former beliefs from a diffrent perspective so that we can decide what it is we truly think, beleive and feel.

  • BluePill2

    I was born in and that nagging feeling never went away. I left after 38 years and that feeling went away very quickly (as others have experienced as well), strange enough that is not one of the feelings that "sticks" long enough after you leave. Others take longer. Hang on, all will be better.

  • Crazyguy

    Even Jesus said if one has love for his enemies he is perfect like the father Matthew chapter 5, so have love and let the guilt go from you.

  • Pete Zahut
    Pete Zahut

    Every once in a while I feel that way too but I put it down to just being human rather than having to do with anything I believe or beleived about the JW's.

  • rowan

    I was born in, raised by hard core elderly parents, and on top of that got df in my early 20s. It is just now, with the help of an amazing therapist, and daily meditation that I have come to realize the depth of the damage. The easiest way that came to my mind to describe it, is to compare the way I perceive myself to the tiniest, dullest russian doll of the set. On top of feeling insignificant there's the self loathing. This mindset is how I operated in every esphere of life. It made my whole world small. It diminished my loved ones, for if they loved me, then by default there was something wrong with them. At work, I acquiesce to the short end of deals, terribly so, for my group of people, as I am a head of department, the perennial push over.

    Coming to this realization has been incredibly liberating. Still, it was just a realization. Staying suppressed is my default mode of operation and I still have to conciously reset and redirect my thoughts and behavior. But heck, this is a huge, huge breakthrough!

    So yes, it can be done. My soul was twisted steel, and I am getting better, after almost 15 years of my exit.

  • rowan

    I know I'm not evil but I still feel unworthy to live amongst normal humans.

    Punk, it reminds me of when I was just df', as a young girl, I could not even look up at the faces of the waiters at restaurants.

  • neverendingjourney

    After leaving did the feeling go away?

    It took years and it was gradual. It was awkward at first even to allow myself the pleasure of watching television for an hour or two. The conditioning would automatically kick in. There was guilt associated with that activity since in my former life such things were detractions from "spiritual pursuits." I'd even feel guilty going to lunch with female co-workers since nearly all interactions with the opposite in the JW world were associated with sex (or the opportunity for sex). Sadly, in all these years not once have any of these lunches led to sex...sigh.

    It's been about 10 years or so since I started having doubts, 7 or 8 years since I stopped being a believer, but even still every now and then the programming surfaces. About a year ago work travel took me to a foreign country. I was at a restaurant with a large group of people when my boss indicated she wanted to order blood sausage for the table. I froze up. In all these years, the blood ban may be the one taboo I've never broken. The fear and panic kicked in and for a few seconds it was as if I was a JW all over again. My boss decided against ordering it, but I have no doubt that if I had eaten it, I would have awoken at night several times feeling guilty, just as I had years ago when I first had my first cigarette, had sex out of wedlock, smoked marijuana, and so on.

    Hang in there. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

  • rowan

    It is different for everyone. I have friends, and family members who are ex JWs, who often tell me, with the best intentions in mind, "to get over it, not to think about it, go on, live your successful, happy life, that will show them" etc...

    We all had it different, due to our personalities, how deep our parents were in, etc. The WT screwed me up good. It destroyed me, and I went on trying to live my life, but I was broken, and even though I have not been in for the last third of my life so far, the WT kept conditioning everything that I did.

    I was never abused as a child, but my feelings of deep shame, fear of being a monster, emotional dettachment to my children out of fear of abusing them/ letting them down, are all common of abuse survivors. I cannot just "not think of it". I actually did not think of it, it just permeated everything, this is an integral part of my psyche.

    Yes, it can get better. It does get better. My point is that it is different for everyone.

  • villagegirl

    Feelings can be changed. Repetitive mental patterns that keep you

    stuck are like any bad habits. People go to the gym to change their

    body habits and restructure themselves. Take action. Join new groups.

    get involved with new pursuits, new projects, new goals, both physical

    and social. Go to new places and meet new people with different points

    of view. You can move your life in new directions by conscious effort.

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