It's been a while since I've posted anything about myself. I've been on JWN for a couple of years. I'm not a heavy poster, but love to read what others are saying. This website is so addictive at times!
I grew up in the organization. (I can't stand to call it "The Truth" now.) My family became enslaved to the cult in the 1890's. As the story goes, my great-great-grandfather got a tract from Russell through the post office. He was taken by the "new light" he read about. He and some other Bible Students met together in Mount Lookout, West Virginia. (see Proclaimers, p.319) His son didn't follow suit, but my grandfather took to it once he came back from WWII. He married my grandmother -whose own grandmother was "anointed". They raised their children in the "truth", as did my father and mother.
I have always been a spiritually-minded person -even as a young child. I was fascinated by the Bible and all the family discussions around the dinner table. My imagination soared about prophecy, the Last Days, and Paradise. My parents weren't always regular. Dad was not permitted to go to college, so he had to work hard to provide for his family. Meeting attendance was not always practical for someone working night shift. However, they always emphasized the importance of the teachings-even if we weren't the most "spiritual" family on the block. Nevertheless, I absorbed everything I could, and had many long conversations with my grandfather. Of all his grandchildren I was the most spiritually inclined -I was also his favorite. My cousins played ball, loved to tell jokes, and were talented with their musical instruments, but I was the one who loved Jehovah. I wanted to grow up and be just like my grandfather -an elder in the congregation.
He was a good elder too. He wasn't a "platform" elder, but the one who really did love the publishers. He hated being on stage, but loved to visit the friends and make sure they were ok. He told me the stories where he had to stand up and defend some who were not being treated tenderly by the shepherds. The congregation loved him dearly. He was everyone's grandfather. He loved life, his family, telling stories, playing music, raising gardens, and making wine.
I married a "spiritual" woman. But, I realized within weeks of marrying that I made a major mistake. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I respected my vows. I'd work hard to make it work, and did so for almost fourteen years. Divorce was never an option... so there came a point where I was praying to Jehovah that I would die in my sleep. I was miserable and wanted to die. The worse fear was that she and I would survive Armageddon and then I'd be stuck with her for all eternity! If that had happened, I was going to be the first suicide in paradise!
Well, my marriage is a story to be told at another time. The short summary is this: we married young, she had a lot of emotional trauma from a very dysfunctional family, I enabled her dysfunction by trying to be an ever-accommodating husband, and we tried to make it work within the stifling framework of a cult. We had no real support. Needless to say, it fell apart. That was a few years ago now, and I'm at peace with it. I wish her the best wherever she is. No hard feelings... I hope she found what she was looking for.
I served as an elder for years and stepped aside when the marriage was going south. My marriage was more important that being an elder -and I hated hypocrisy. I wasn't going to stand on the stage and pretend my life was fantastic. Neither of us had grounds for remarriage. No adultery had been committed, but let me tell you, it still was very difficult divorcing in the congregation. It may have been easier if either one of us had sinned. She lobbied for support from her friends. And my friends would not come around me -I guess they just didn't want to risk being accused of showing favorites.
My grandfather died during the separation/divorce, and that was a terrible shock. My life was falling apart. I lost my marriage, my friends, and now my grandfather. There were no cards. No sympathies. I felt all alone. I was at my breaking point. It was then, the day after we buried him, an old 'friend' from years ago traveled many miles to check on me. She was beautiful and going through her own marital problems. Needless to say, for a couple of days, we found "comfort" in each other's company. But then the sin I committed became another heavy burden to carry. I was crushed. And just when I thought it couldn't get worse, my lovely friend went back to her home... told her husband... and told her elders. Next thing I knew I was in a JC. I was now at my lowest point.
My JC were all friends – elders with whom I once served. I was honest about it all -and truly was repentant. They publicly reproved me. I was low and humiliated, but I was determined to be a spiritual man again. I set down and decided to read the Bible through. Every night I would just read the Bible... no publications... just the Bible. I was going to be strong again!
Within four months after being reproved, I started getting some commenting privileges back. Four months after that I was given full privileges. Now that my ex was free to remarry, the body was even tickled that I could be an elder again. I was back in the congregation again!
...I was also still reading my Bible every night... and starting to ask myself questions. Things weren't adding up. The Flood, Blood, Overlapping Generations... all these things were serious questions that I had to resolve in my mind and heart if I was going to be a strong Witness. I began to study… really study. The more I researched the more questions I had. The more answers I found, the worse the organization looked. I was seeing things differently –clearly. I was waking up for the first time in my life… and all because I decided to just read the Bible!
It also started to get difficult sitting through the meetings. For example, I remember sitting one night while the blood issue was being discussed. By this time I had research every single scripture used against blood transfusions... and realized that there is no blood issue in the Bible. I wrote a long essay detailing all my notes, my research, commentary, and answers. I knew there was no problem with transfusions, but I looked around and saw a whole congregation who were nodding their heads in agreement -eyes glazed over. They did not have a clue what they believed, and were willing to die for it. It was scary, and I realized I was becoming an outsider.
Finally one day I was doing some research and came across Luke 21:8. "He said: 'Look out that you are not misled; for many will come on the basis of my name, saying, ‘I am he,’ and, ‘The due time has approached.’ Do not go after them.'" I literally sat down in disbelief. I immediately identified Watch Tower as fitting this description of those Jesus said to avoid. Nevertheless I spent the next three months trying to prove to myself how that the WT did NOT match this scripture. After so much study, I finally concluded that Jesus was warning his followers to avoid anyone claiming they were Christian, chosen by Jehovah, and warning about the end time being at hand. Watch Tower fit the description perfectly. I asked myself, Why would Jehovah raise up a true religion that matched the very sign of those Jesus said to avoid? It became apparent that WT was one of the many false prophets that would exist after Jesus died.
I was taking notes during assemblies and meetings, but the pages were filled with all the inaccuracies, false arguments, misleading statements, and twisted explanations I was hearing. I felt disgusted that I was so blind for so long.
As my meeting attendance waned, so did my friends' association. I eventually quit going, and they quit associating with me. I never was disfellowshipped, and I never disassociated –but they still left me. I asked sincere questions and was treated like a suspicious criminal. I stood my ground though it hurt. My leaving the organization was not because I lost my faith, but I left because of my faith. I finally was finding faith in Jesus -not in the elders or the Governing Body. Obedience to Jesus meant I could not follow the organization any longer.
Though I wanted to disassociate, I decided to fade out for the sake of my family. I didn’t want them to reap the consequences for associating with me. I also realized my circumstances were advantageous: I was single with no kids. I eventually moved out of state to a new location. New job… new area… new life. I am anonymous and love it. I’m also making new friends… better friends. I was able to help my parents wake up and leave the organization as well. I am also now in a loving relationship with a woman who also woke up years ago. We have wonderful conversations about religion -and though we don't always see things eye-to-eye, we love the freedom of having an opinion without the worry or guilt of being judged for it.
I hope to have children one day -and if so, they will be spared the WT burden. I am happy to say I am the last Jehovah's Witness in my family. I don't have many answers, but that’s ok! Maybe there is a God -maybe there isn't. Maybe there is a heaven and afterlife -maybe not. Either way, I believe we should love our neighbor -either for the good of Christ or for the good of our species. My own beliefs have evolved over the last few years, and I learned to avoid being dogmatic. I try to be open-minded. I see life as a process now -one that will take a lifetime to experience. I expect my beliefs will continue to evolve over time.
I hate Watch Tower, but I love the Witnesses. I am moved to help them, and I can’t wait to have a Witness knock on my door. I will be very loving and kind, and I will hope I can help them wake up. That will truly be a saved life.
I'll admit it, I do like to think there is an afterlife. It’s a beautiful thought. I like to think my grandfather is there and happy to see I freed his family lineage from the chains that once shackled us for over a hundred years. Maybe it’s just a dream –just a vestige of all that inculcation years ago. But it makes me smile. If there is a loving God, he will bring us all home one day. If there’s not, well, I guess I’ll still join him and countless others in the eternal slumber that awaits us all.
I’m sorry for writing so much, but so many are waking up and I find it so encouraging. I love their experiences and questions. I wanted to share a message of hope. If you are waking up... please don't despair. Yes, it's hard at times. Yes, you are going to be ostracized and lose friends. You may lose family. You will certainly be an outcast. I experienced all these things too.
But, you will get these things back –friends and family. In one form or another, you’ll get them all back and more. You may even lose your faith... but you will find a greater faith in the end. Don't give up! Just in the last five years I survived stepping down as an elder, divorce, judicial committee, humiliation, public reproof, lies, slander, hypocrisy, accusations, questions, looking for and finding real answers, standing up for real truth, ostracism, investigations of apostasy, moving, starting over, new job, new friends, new relationship… new life. I survived all these things and more. You will survive your challenges too! Just remember, like all things in life, fading is a process. It takes time. I stuck with it and it’s been the greatest blessing of my life.