Past couple years of being awake might be catching up with me

by noonehome 16 Replies latest jw experiences

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  noonehome

  I was a little too honest with a super close friend who is one of the most important people in my life. My mistake. She talked to an elder about my doubts...I know she had my best interests in mind and I hold nothing against her. She was worried about me and we'd had a fairly intense phone conversation where I suppose I disclosed a little too much. She asked the tough questions, I answered a little too openly. My mistake. I care deeply for her and wanted to be honest but I know that probably wasn't smart. I'm now on the 'radar'. After being confronted into the back school after a meeting, I'm now to study the 'Was Life Created' brochure with a couple elders and then the 'Origin of Life: 5 Questions..." brochure ...then who knows.

  Here's the situation: I'm about to finish college and my extreme busy-ness with that has been my excuse for lackluster service / meeting attendance / carrying out of privileges etc. But that excuse is about evaporate and I'm expected to return to full-steam JW brother mode. I know I don't have it in me...although if I'm being honest I wish I did. It'd be so much easier to somehow 'brainwash' myself into believing everything once again and just go for it...but I've learned too much I don't know if it's possible. I don't know what to do here. Now that the elders are on to my doubts if I don't reverse them by means of this study with them who knows what'll happen. What the hell. The only thing I can think of doing is trying to get a job in a different city and moving away from home...but it's not what I want. Plus then I lose everyone just the same. That's exactly what I don't want to do - I love everyone too much. Besides, I'll be expected to accomplish just the same as I am here wherever my congregation 'file' follows me. Not really sure how that works... but anyways it seems as though I lose everyone I love no matter what I do. Sheesh.

  Just wish my relationships weren't so conditional...the pettiness is truly remarkable when you get down to it. In that phone conversation (she confronted me about it by the way) I told her my friendship with her wasn't conditional and that I'd always love her no matter what ...and I know she can't give me the same. Geez that stings. If I lose these people I'll die, but it's becoming more clear that I can't live with them in my life either. Gadzooks. I know you aren't my therapists... and maybe I should get one. But many of you have been where I am and so I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm truly sorry for what you've been through. Have a great night people.
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  Zoos

  If I lose these people I'll die

  You most certainly will not die. You will get hurt like the rest of us, but you will not die. You will strengthen yourself starting now, you will plant your feet, you will rely on the resources of this forum, you will lean into the storm... you will do everything it takes and you will not have to do it alone.

  Capeesh?
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  The Searcher

  Hi NOONEHOME - I can empathise with you, because we (me & wife) have been talking with two or three very close friends in the cong about seriously wrong teachings - and now the new contribution scam!

  I know we have been monitored by the Elders for some time now, but our planned "escape" is well under way; we've both been fading, and now we are moving far away from this cong. Once we reach our new destination, we will NOT be contacting the local cong, therefore we will NOT be telling the Secretary to contact our previous KH for our record cards. Those cards can rot!!

  If we weren't moving, we'd simply totally fade and play the "depressed" and "problems we can't discuss with anyone but Jehovah" cards, to keep people at bay!

  Sounds like that might be your best solution.

  Best wishes with your journey.
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  OneGenTwoGroups

  Imagine being in your situation and also married to a true believer at the same time that you dearly love. If you can imagine that, you will be able to empathize with me and my situation.

  I have always been able to make very good friends very easily, not sure why, just a knack that I have. And, I bond closely with people and they bond closely to me. This gift becomes the double-edged sword if and when you "wake-up". Why? Because I have MANY good JW friends that I dearly love.

  The only thing that is helping me keep my sanity is that I'm also being hit by the "disfellowshipping in reverse" affect. I've posted about this phenomenon on JWR some time back. Now that I've embraced reality, sitting around with my buddies as they yammer on about the "wonderful" bOrg and bOrg situations, my desire to be around them has cooled. Most social occasions with my JW friends now make me want to put my head through a wall.

  "That was a wonderul talk this morning."

  "How was field service this morning?"

  "My daughter had her first part on the school this week!"

  yada yada yada KILL ME NOW!

  I love my family, and I love my friends, truly and deeply. But these days and on most occasions I can't stand being around them.

  This is not a happy nor a joyous reality. But, I woud compare it to chemo-therapy. It's not something I want, but it is helping.
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  perfect1

  listen up noonehome.

  you need to take charge of this situation NOW. Stop being so emotional, or your whole fing life is going to get flushed down the toilet just cause you love everyone and trust them so much blah blah blah.

  You have two important priorities right now:

  1. Graduate college, celebrate what you have accomplished.

  2. Get a job.

  Wow look at that. You could get a job. It might even be that you HAVE TO MOVE for your job.

  Moving away doesnt mean you lose everyone. Are you still living at home. Have you lived in the same house all your life. Why are you being so dramatic. It wouldnt have to be a BIG move across the country.

  Listen to the two options you have made for yourself:

  1. Move away, lose everyone, be a busy JW

  2. Stay with people who just love you conditionally and be a busy JW

  your worst fear:

  3. Be Dfed for apostasy cause you are a blabbermouth

  I would just like to point out to you how limited your vision of your future is.

  Did it ever occur to you that you might find a job you really like , make friends who really care for you and could care less what you think about God, and have a fulfilling life OUTSIDE WTBTS without having to put any of that on the table. It is no ones business but yours.

  By the way, try this: IMAGINE YOURSELF HAPPY. IMAGINE THE LIFE YOU WANT.

  Contrary to what you have been taught, it is entirely possible.

  Dont be a fool. Button up, make a plan. I dont care if you study with those elders or not. It sounds like if you do you wont be able to keep your newly developed critical thinking skills in check. I see this playing out as a total disaster unless you wise up to the danger zone you have put yourself in and act with some sense of strategy.

  I wish I could slap some sense into you!
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  tornapart

  Feel for you!! I understand your dilemma. I'm married to a JW (elder) have JW children (grown and married) a JW parent, JW sibling. JW friends. Too old to make new friends. Friends I've got are lifetime friends.

  However, I'm lucky that I haven't been 'dobbed' in by those friends and relatives and they respect my views. However I have been very careful what I say and have let it all build slowly by planting little seeds of doubt here and there. I made a mistake with my mother in the early days and 'spilled' too much. Then had to try and backtrack. Since then I've taken it extremely slowly and not said anything to raise the red flags even when it's burned inside to say something.

  I think you need to ask yourself how much power you are going to allow the elders to have over you. Why should they dictate to you what you should do? Have you done something wrong? No! If you choose not to go to meetings, not to go on FS etc, that's YOUR CHOICE and they can't make you. If you don't want to study those booklets then DON'T. They have no rights over you. Take back the control over your own life. Say you are grateful for their concern but you want to do things your own way. Then, if you know you can't trust your friend not to say anything again then zip your mouth up next time!! It's hard to do, but if you want to stay for family and friends that you love, it's a must!!
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  SMH

  Noonehome I know what it's like to be where you're at right now. :) Worrying about everything falling apart because of the doubts you have, it can be a very anxious time.

  I was born into the organisation. So I was taught from birth to do as I was told without thinking for myself.

  But I think the best thing is to be honest with yourself about what you want from life. I grew tired of being told what to do by people who weren't doing those things themselves, JW's tend to tell others what they themselves are told to do, not what they know from experience, so you get a lot of fake advice about life and love and none of it really works in the real world. At least it hasn't been of any use to me in the real world.

  I was looking for a good wife within the organisation (since that's the only way you can get to know the opposite sex according to their teachings. :P), and I grew tired of the judging ourselves before we make any decisions aspect of life as a JW. Every aspect of your relationships tend to be over analysed and torn apart to be measured against what the literature says. I don't think that's really healthy for relationships.

  My experience was, nothing I ever did was good enough, even though I was doing all the "right" things, so I decided to think more about what I wanted from life and went for that result. I found friends and companionship through my art hobby, I stopped going out in field service and stopped going to the meetings less and less... after a while I never went back. I did move around quite a bit at that time to be honest, but I found that refreshing since it was like a fresh start in a lot of ways, moving towns and finding new places to see and new things to do.

  I guess I eventually accepted that you can't change what other people like your family and friends believe, you can only control what you believe, and you can't predict how they will react to things, you have to play a lot of things by ear, and accept how they react to each thing that comes up, but know for yourself what you want from life and stick to that.

  You don't have to fight with them. You can choose to walk away from the argument, you really don't need to prove everything you do and say to them even though they feel like you do.

  My advice would be to decide what you want from life, and then go for that, and remember to take it one step at a time. Be good to others.

  All the best with everything. :)
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  Viviane

  You are at a crossroads with a tough decision. Welcome to being an adult! This will happen a lot more.

  You can decide now to live your life for you or you can pretend to live it for other people and, years from now, when the pressure gets to great, get DF'ed or DA realized you've spent the last 10 years living your life for other people, for their BS, their lie, their dream.

  However, even if you do decide not to fake it anymore, you will be hurt, but you most certainly will not die. It will suck for a while and you will get over it.
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  Bob_NC

  I feel for you noonehome. But at the same time, YOU are the master of your destiny, YOU are the captain of your own ship. No one can do that better than you.

  From my persepctive, you did absolutely and totally the right thing on the phone with your friend. She asked, you were up front and honest. As soon as you can own that, you will feel your power come back to you. You did nothing wrong and you have nothing to back down from. Just be nice, as I am sure you are.

  I realize that you are still young, but this is also the time of life to realize that you have to make your choices and decisions. This is not being unkind and not being not nice to the people that you care about. For what it's worth, here is my reply to the elders. "I am declining the offer to study. You guys are great, and I thank you for the offer, but I already know what is in the brochures. Reading them again will not make any difference. Thanks just the same." It might sound condescending, but I would be inclined to add, "I know this is the best you have to offer, but the brochures are one-sided and leave out any facts that make a case for the other side."
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  ABibleStudent

  Hi noonehome, I understand that you feel that your viable options are limited and very undesirable. Since you are attending a university/college go to the campus health care services and inquiry about counseling services that may help you to more clearly assess your options. If the campus services' counselors are not familiar with the WTBTS and other dangerous cults, give them links to www.freedomofmind.com so that they can provide you with better service.

  The elders have no power of you unless you give them that power. Just thank them for expressing their concerns to you, tell them that you are very busy and will contact them when you need their help.

  Make your plans to enjoy the rest of your life. Your plan should include making more non-JW friends and doing more non-WTBTS activities that give you opportunities to make more none JW friends, so that when your JW friends start to shun and avoid you, you will have a good support network of unconditional, non-JW friends.

  As far as your friend is concerned, why give conditional friends power over your life? Unhealthy relationships will remain unhealthy for you as long as you allow them to continue. Please watch Steve Hassan's video How Big is the Phenomenon of Undue Influence? (2:01) about what consitutes unhealthy influence in relationships.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert