Sexual Abuse of wives in the Borg
There has been a lot of attention on child abuse in the organization. And justly so. About time too. I was sexually abused while a child in the borg. When it came out, the elders and my mother chose to put me in foster care and keep the abuser in the home and congregation - supposedly to keep me safe.
I believed that at the time. I was only 12 - what did I know?
Since that time I have realized it was only one of the cover-ups entailing sexual abuse in the JWs.
When I was 16 I went back to live with my mother. My step-father who had abused me was no longer around so it was "safe" for me to come home from the foster home (more than 500 km away)
Within a year I was baptized and just after I turned 18 my mother arranged a marriage for me with a newly converted "brother". Within 2 weeks I knew this was a terrible mistake. In the fifteen years of our marriage I regularly had to deal with his sexual demands - many of them unwanted and forbidden by the organization. He became an elder after about 8 years.
At one point I was in a cervical collar for weeks due to an extremely painful neck injury. He took what he wanted. During my second pregnancy the doctors said "No sex" due to the high risk pregnancy. He didn't care and took what he wanted - when he wanted. If I was sick or tired - nothing mattered as he waved the Watchtower and a Bible at me to get me to provide the "marital due" gawd how I hate that phrase! He told me on a regular basis that he would be forced to commit adultery and I would be blood-guilty for his actions. Somehow he could never see scriptures that spoke of the woman as a weaker vessel or to love your wife as yourself - always managed to turn it back to him wanting to do just that - love his wife. Blows my mind now just it did back then.
I felt ashamed and dirty. I thought I was a terrible wife. I hated sex. I went for therapy - to get me to enjoy sex - pretty hard to do when your partner has only one agenda - to satisfy his needs at the expense of the other person. Most of the time I wondered what was the difference between me and a prostitute. I figured they got paid in cash and got to choose who they went with. I was stuck with the same person every day and had to clean up after him too and got room and board.
This almost killed me. The gritting my teeth for it to be over. The anxiety waiting for him to come home - knowing what was coming next. The relief when he went out knowing he wouldn't be home for a while. The pretending to the world that we were the perfect little JW family and I was the perfect JW elder's wife. It almost killed me.
I thought of dying every single day. I spoke with a few people and asked them to watch out for my girls if something should happen to me. I taught them how to take care of themselves if I was not around. I made my plans.
But I did not want to die. I wanted to live.... and be free.
There is no honorable way out of this organization. There was no honorable way out of the marriage. I already felt lower than scum so I did the one thing that would give me my freedom. ADULTERY. One time.
It turned into a horrible experience. I begged him to stop but he wouldn't. I went home sore, bruised and bleeding.
When I finally got the courage to tell the elders disfellowshipped me. My husband told the elders how he had treated me during our marriage. He told them that for 15 years he had sexually abused me and made all kinds of sexual demands on me that were forbidden. He got a small tap on the wrist. No public reproof. No disfellowshipping. Nothing.
We divorced and 2 years later he married a sister in the congregation. Everyone talked about how God was blessing him by returning what he lost - a wife and 2 daughters. She took it for ten years and left him too. Committed adultery to get away from him.
He is free in the congregation again to find another sister to abuse.
My point for this is not to ask for pity. But to express the kind of sexual bondage that a lot of JW wives go through. I know I was not alone. I know that the borg is a breeding grounds for men who cannot control their sexual demands. They have little ability to relate to other people - their wives included. And the borg grants them the authority to take what they see as "theirs". To many of these men a wife is simply a tool to satisfy their sexual appetite. Wash the clothes, put food on the table and provide sex on demand. And they know the wives cannot go to the elders and be heard. I was told to do my wifely duty cause I sure wouldn't want to be responsible if he sinned.
I guess raping your wife isn't considered a sin.
I was out of the org and marriage for about 4 years when I found a book on marital rape. I was shocked that there was a name for it. That I wasn't alone. That in fact it had happened to so many other women that it had been studied and was a recognized problem. That was a relief. The borg had branded me a sinner for a one-time event. It gave him absolution for my 15 years and the second wife's 10 years - 25 years of sexual abuse from just one man
Want a figure - estimate minimum 2 times a week for 25 years (2 x 52825 = 2600) holy crow - 2,600 separate acts and he gets absolution.
(1560 during my time with him). Staggers the mind.
The WT org has a lot more to account for when it comes to the issue of sexual abuse in its ranks.
Aspire to inspire before you expire
LADY LEE U R NOT ALONE as far as marital rape is concerned...Probaby why I went the single parent celebate lifestyle once I divorced the schmuch aka Brother Ayers now decd due to natural causes...it is 22 yrs now since I split from HIM--Incest is a hard thing to deal with too BUT We take one day at a time anyway...LIFE IS NOT A BOWEL OF CHERRIES but it is a damn sight better NOW THAT WE R NOT JWs that is for damn sure -- have been out 11 yrs now....PEACE queenie / Lisa and Mamie kitty (Meow and a few hisses to)
Another nail in the coffin...excellent...
"If men were like their personal ads, they wouldn't need personal ads."
Thank you for sharing your story, Lady Lee.
I hope for all the women who lurk out there and can relate to Lady Lee's story, there is help and there is freedom.
I have heard of similiar cases. And they look like very nice guys.
also i have seen how jw women control their jw husband restricting their physical access to the male.
Also, i have seen jw woman married to CO who provide physical access to another man other than their husband. Mainly because the CO is too busy taking care of... Yes i have seen good jw man having his life wrecked by a controlling woman. It works both ways, but woman are more sophisticated, they use better tools, of course they are more intelligent in many ways.
I am sorry for all you have sufferred, Lady Lee.
Did you know that part of Bill Bowen's good work at http://www.silentlambs.org/ includes ABUSEDlambs and BATTEREDlambs?
I would urge you to visit his site and share your story there as well.
Wishing you peace and healing,
- Nathan Natas, UADNA
(Unseen Apostate Directorate of North America)
Dear Lady Lee;
This is the part of domestic violence that is often not given any attention. Society understands physical, verbal, emotional abuse but rarely do we talk about sexual abuse. Usually in domestic violence all of these abuses are used to gain power and control over you. That is what your ex-husband was after. He got off on controlling you, and because of his religious belief felt he was justified in his behavior. Obviously JW religion allows him to continue to perpetrate on others since he was never even disciplined for his actions. Marital rape is a crime!!!!!!!!!
Be proud of yourself that you freed yourself from his abuse. You have set the example for your children that this type of behavior is not acceptable.
Marital rape is the least reported of all crimes and the most difficult to prosecute. I believe this happens to women in many different religions that are male dominate like the JW's.
Happy mother's day!!!!
Thanks for sharing your story, I am really sorry to hear about the pain you've had to suffer. This kind of thing really opens my eyes to this organization. The WTS swears up and down that they are God's spirit directed organization, but would God's spirit be upon men who abuse their families?
To all you sisters out there. You must not keep this to yourself. First you must let be known throughout your congregations to all the elders and then start telling all the sisters that you are friends with and if you have any friends in the neighborhood mention it to them too. You are saying , this guy is nuts. I am, but I worked in an anti-domestic violence organization and there are certain steps you must take for the court systems, police departments to take you serious.
Second you start documenting (and I mean today this very minute) each act of verbal, physical, mental, and sexual abuse. I mean write everything down in a journal, because you want to be able to give dates times, and actions. This will help with police investgations, at the time you choose to leave the bastard.
If any authority ask why you waited so long to bring out the details . Tell them that you were afraid for your life and for the damage your situation would do with the children.
The circle of violence gets worse with time the more the abuser demands and the more you have to give in to him the more frequent the abuse will happen.
Please go to any domestic vilence organization they will give you free advise they will become your advocate and many will show you how in many steps to get your affairs in order so you can slip away with your children to a safe house. Many organizations will even take it to the DA office and they will prosecute.
They are leary of doing so because so many women drop the charges and it becomes a wasted court date.
If there is any questions about your enjoyment of sex ( which there should not be by any authority) tell them You enjoied sex and making love up to the point where you were forced to have sex at his beck and call.
The important thing is have documentation of all acts.
I am going to upload some info for you all. Bare with me.
With all due respect LadyLee but I'm not buying this rape thing.
I was raped once by someone. That man was much older bigger and stronger then me. I never would have put myself in a situation for that to happen again.
Now your saying that this man raped you not once or twice but two times a week for 10 YEARS!
When I was married if I didn't want sex or my partner didn't want sex we simply said no. But I am sure there were times we had sex when one didn't want it but we didn't call it rape.
I am not doubting that your ex was an asshole, or control freak or just a wicked person. But volentarily having sex with your mate two times a week for 10 years then calling all those times rape, come on.