So I have decided to jump in and for the first time and share some of my random memories that seem to have been floating around my mind more and more lately. mostly if all the weird anxiety I experience from time to time is related to it. I guess that would be a different topic to post!
The older I get, the more amazed I am that I made it out. So a lot of this stuff is probably what you have all heard over and over again from someone born into this group, but thank you for taking the time to read through anyway. I have read countless posts over the past 2.5 years and in the beginning I was your typical nervous, semi-ex JW wondering if something bad would happen to me if I did. I apologize for the rambling nature of the memories. These things have been coming to mind a lot lately I guess because I am a mother now (6yr old and 1yr old) and married- 'thank the lord' to a non-jw.
So here goes:
* Being in Kindergarten and not being clear on whether to salute the Flag or not. I think I did and told Mom about it and then never did it again until now the ripe old age of...gasp 38.
* Being sent to the office during any holiday party or if any forbidden songs were being practiced in chorus. This always sucked because I liked singing. Kids would apologize to me for "accidently" giving a Valentine or wishing Merry Christmas.
* I used to feel guilty that I liked "The Grand Old Flag" song we did at school assemblies. My 6 year old recently learned it and wow I still remembered the lyrics (due to secretly loving it all through school). When I tell my dear hubby these things he just gets this sympathetic expression and always says "That's so sad, honey" Huh, I never thought it was until he said it, but he is right. Its like Im finally giving myself permission to feel bad about what I missed out on and what a heavy friggin burden these people rest on the innocent minds of little kids.
* Someone here said something about "keeping friends at arms length" because you knew you couldn't really have a relationship with anyone outside of school. Story of my life all through school for sure. Invitations never accepted, no involvement in ANY SCHOOL RELATED FUN.. God, that really blew.
So here's the biggies:
* Not going to college probably my hugest regret. Its hard not to blame my mom as well as the twisted thinking of the org but when you never get any positive feedback or compliments for anything you do its just a weird bubble to grow up in. Its like the only way to get any positive reinforcement is if you "reach out" ha, ha its funny to even use that phrase. So the so-called "friends" in the hall will smile and pat you on the back if you appear to be doing this. Really not for anything else in life that would actually matter or amount to anything (sigh).
I know that everyone kind of agrees that service was not something we enjoyed doing and I am no different. I used to feel guilty about that though, like something was wrong with me because I dreaded it EVERY TIME. I never felt comfortable at the door and no matter how much I prayed about it, I never got used to it and always wished I didn't have to participate. But if you didn't, whoa the guilt heaped on was worse, so I just struggled through. Yikes such a huge relief that part of my life is no more - its such a delicious and overwhelming sense of freedom to know you just don't have to do it anymore. Ever. Amen.
So the other biggie would be...surprise! getting married at the ripe old age of 19 to a JW ass-face. So that could be a different post but suffice it to say that I got married pretty much because that's just what you do. I also wanted to leave home for the obvious reasons of suppression that is considered normal JW life.
Okay so I grew up going to DCs at Dodger Stadium here in Southern California (later at Long Beach) and CAs at Norco and Mira Loma. You know going to assemblies and conventions were not that bad. Its weird and pathetic at the same time because as a good JW that was really all you had to look forward to in life as far as excitement goes. Gawd, that's awful to have to admit. Anyone here want to message me from that wonderful era, please do!
I'm so appreciative of this forum for just existing. It has helped me in ways that I cant find the words to describe. Seriously, bless you people who take the time to read and respond and share with everyone.