So the question is posed in this week's WatchTower study at our former cult's houses of indoctrination.
I should like to answer it, and I should like to hear your answers too.
The question is in two parts, and I shall address each one in turn.
Q. Is my life more meaningful?
A. Yes. My life is more meaningful. I am free of the WT-induced guilt and fear, feelings which hindered any feeling of 'meaning' in life. If you live in fear, your meaning in life is just to survive. Just surviving or existing does not make you happy- just ask any refugee living near starvation in a stinking camp. But yes, now I am free of that fear and pressure, I find tremendous meaning in my improved relationship with my family, especially my beloved mother who suffered so much grief at my hands during the years I was a JW. My life has more meaning because instead of being in a sort of limbo waiting for Armageddon, I am moving on with my life. My husband and I have been approved for a home loan, and we have just put in an offer on a little house. We will not be like so many JWs in their 70's who still rent and are struggling on the pension.
Our little house, should our offer and finance be accepted, will give us meaning as we can make it our own by renovating it and know we can never be asked to leave it or have the payments increased. As a renter who has to get permission from the landlord to hang a picture, these are very meaningful perks. We shall also have some equity which can help us provide for ourselves when we can no longer work.
I am also finding meaning in my work. After years of working a WT approved 'job' that nearly paralysed my brain (but afforded me time to go to meetings) I am now pursuing my teaching career. I love working with teenagers, and am setting up my own tutoring/academic coaching business, as well as doing substitute teaching until I can work my way into a cozy school. I am also taking some online courses to help me improve in my subject knowledge. That and, I have set myself up as a bit of an artist and have already received commissions and sold prints. I have also taken a summer job at a water slide park, which I love immensely because I get to meet lots of happy people and families, and derive meaning from providing excellent service.
Q. Am I happier?
A. I am happier, and have medical evidence to prove it. I am on half the antidepressant medication I was as a JW, my anxiety disorder has disappeared, I no longer wake up screaming from nightmares every night (or taking valium to suppress them) and my physical welbeing is increasing.
I am infinitely happier that I can be myself with no-one judging me.
I am infinitely happier that I can use my time to develop meaning.
I am infinitely happier that I can believe what I find to be true through my historical research, and can talk about it freely to my friends and family.
My family tell me they've never seen me so happy. Without guilt and fear and sheer mental exhaustion, it is easy to find happiness in even simple things like sitting on the couch with the cat. I am no longer so exhausted from being torn apart by cognitive dissonnance and the mental gymnastics needed to reconcile it. That leaves me with more energy to devote to things from which I derive meaning, such as family, study, literature, knowledge, art and work.
I am open to explore, as my father used to tell me when I was younger when in frustration he would say, "Sheree, the world is your oyster. You are wasting your time with this mob." He always referred to the cult as "this mob" or "your mob". And he was right. I gave up opportunities to be a damn good teacher, writer, artist, musician, contracts administrator, intrepid traveller, and swapped it for a life of conformity and rigidity.
And although now my health is shot from the cult and my energetic 20's are now behind me, I am happy. Happy that I can be, happy that I can surround myself with love and meaning, and not live in that oppressive atmosphere that made me physically and mentally ill.
Thank you for reading.