I think my fade has hit a rut. Do I need to grow a pair?

konceptual99

So here I am after about 18 months of wake up. The first 6 months were a rollercoster of feelings as my whole belief system unravelled. The last year has been more stable but things seem like they are just stalling now.

My wife is aware of many of my feelings although I have held back the fact that I am pretty close to denying all belief in any kind of God. She has been very understanding and does share a certain amount of skeptism but is still 100% behind the organisation. She is convinced that Jehovah's plan will ultimately come about and that she wants us all (me, her and the kids) to be there.

So for the past few months we have been following the same old pattern of reasonably regular meeting attendance (2/3), 1 saturday FS a month (for me - the missus goes out in the week) and personally doing enough to keep under the radar of the elders. It's a rut. I want things to move forward but nothing is really changing.

My wife thinks I have listened to too much skeptical critisism, been exposed to too much "poisioned" apostate material and am being far too negative. She thinks I need to pray, not for answers, but just for a more positive spirit. She is scared that I am going to give it all up and what that means for her and the kids. She feels she is dragging one more kid to the meeting and on the ministry (when I go out) and she wants me to get back to leading the family spiritually.

I have been hoping for the past months that she will listen to my nuggets of information encouraging her to view things differently but it's not working. She has been pushing harder to ensure the family is on time for the meetings and out in the FS. Her loyalty to the WTS is not cracking and I can't see how I can break that down.

My gut feel is that I need to raise the stakes. I feel that I need to start being more assertive about the depth of my dissatisfaction, perhaps formally stopping my meeting attendance and token ministry. I think I may have to simply say enough is enough for me.

I have no real fears over our marriage but clearly moving to the next level is (a) crossing a bridge and (b) going to cause conflict where there was none. I am also worried about my kids. The oldest is not close to actually getting baptised but equally is not moving away from the org. I am coming to the conclusion that I need to be clearer about my position just so the kids see the reality of situation rather than hold onto a hope that the rest of the family get to where I am just by osmosis.

I am worried about raising the stakes, crossing a bridge and opening a can of worms but I also feel I am in a fading rut and perhaps the only way of making things happen is to grow a pair and just say what I really, really feel.

Thoughts?

Witness My Fury

It's easy for me to say just do it, but I know I stuggled with quitting earlier than I did despite knowing it was bollocks for fear of the reactions of my familly, and I am single with no wife and kids to consider.

But yes, you know that you will be stuck like this until you change it yourself.

ILoveTTATT

Maybe there is a higher level? Maybe there is a "next step"?

See... It's not just "fade or DA"... there are other options. There must be. Just brainstorm them.

But, I think that eventually you must decide to go to the next level. Otherwise you can be stuck in this "limbo" forever...

man in black

Hi, I was in the same boat as you, slowly fading but never having the courage to just walk away and be done with it.

My perfect storm hit when my Mother (witness for 25 years) died.

All of those so called friends from the jw organization showed their true colors and acted like nothing happened.

I wrote my letter, mailed one to new york, and the other to the po and never went back to the hall.

My wife saw what was going on, and Da ed herself sevekral weeks later.

Gods spirit in action !

problemaddict

Its a rough one my man. Its not east sailing ahead, but you are kind of delaying the inevitable. You need to really get a plan and get methodical. I don't know how old the kids are, but this has been 18 more months of indoctrination they have gone through. The last thing you want is for your children to shun you because you let it go on too long!

There is a freedom and respect in at least trying to live an authentic life with this. I think you should try it. Just do so carefully. :)

OnTheWayOut

You have a feeling you need to be more assertive and clearer for the kids sake, as well as your own.

Those are probably the correct feelings to follow.

Give your kids the view that Watchtower isn't for you and it doesn't have to be for them.

I think you already know what to do.

Captain Obvious

Stopping meetings is much more serious than stopping service. Your friends won't shun you so fast if you just quit service. Maybe try that? I quit within a month or two of waking up. Couldn't handle it. Wife was upset at first, but she barely goes out now too.

Seems like she is trying to make up for your lack of performance? Does she know how serious you are? Perhaps try the angle that you can't lie, you need to be hones. Your conscience is killing you, and must be honest.

J. Hofer

it sucks, but at one point you'll have to come out with what you actually believe/don't believe. things can start to get out of control from there on, but there's no way around it really.

wizzstick

Hi!

I half agree with Captain Obvious. Quitting ministry should have less an impact that quitting meetings, and would show to your wife this isn't a phase you're going through.

But that means you may suddenly get asked what is going at the hall, and this forum would be a good place to discuss what to say/ research what others have said. Elders are a leaky pool, so that means you may well get friends coming up to ask you what is going on. Which will create extra pressure.

So maybe scaling back this year and both fronts may help. Skip a month on ministry and cut back to 1/3 meetings (maybe just Sundays). Maybe it's also time to have a very clear conversation with your wife, that it's not that you doubt, you no longer believe. Therefore you can't be considered a spiritual head anymore. She will need to do that. But at the same time talk to her about how much you still love her, and care for her, all the things she does that you love about her. Hopefully she'll see this is not her it's about the religion.

Sadly this will be painful anyway you do this, but for your own piece of mind you may need to cut back to help you cope.

jgnat

Here's another idea:

http://www.freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm

Start a family study night, where you encourage independent interpretation and discussion of scriptures. Perhaps start with the Beatitudes. This should help your oldest child as well as your wife.

I think my fade has hit a rut. Do I need to grow a pair?

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