I really appreciate everyone's support here, thank you for that~
I feel better now after an emotional release yesterday. Letting the tears flow is therapy in itself.
What I've come to realize is that on the sensitivity spectrum...I'm on the high side.
This is a blessing and a curse.
It brings me intense joy and pleasure to take in certain music..look upon some natural wonder, smelling a flower is an experience. But, then I tend to also take the negative/dark things in deeply as well. It is always in the back of my mind that there is immense suffering being experienced on this planet at any given moment. If I dwell too very long on that reality, I become overwhelmed with sadness. What good that does come out of this sadness is that it reminds me to cherish all that is good in my own life, and to be kind to others.
Anyway, I always end up snapping back out of the darkness...after I stare at it for a while first. There is a conscious choice I have to make to turn toward the light. It can feel cold, sometimes I want to be numb..like hypothermia in a deep, dark ocean. I almost don't even want to get warm again, because it means having to feel so much. But, life and the beauty that does exist here call me back...and so I return, maybe with a new perspective, and a renewed sense of wonder. I don't believe I'll ever really 'get there'. I don't have a destination. I had to give up the dream/idea that there will be total peace, equality, and abundance in a paradise(at least the picture of it I once had). I have to be content somehow with creating my beauty in my own little world..and maybe somehow bringing a smile to someone else...in hopes to spread love. If I'm going to exist, I'd like to somehow add to what's good in this world.
Thanks for hearing me out, whoever you are~
