Ok, I haven't introduced myself properly. Sorry for that, but I just never feel like I've got something REALLY interesting to say. So I rather respond on topics of other people. Feels safer and more comfortable. But today I feel down and depressed and don't know any other thing than to write it down here for people to read who know what I feel.
What's the problem? Well, I'll tell you.
I've got a wonderful husband. Nothing to be depressed or down about. He's my everything. And that's actually where the problem does start...
We live in Southern Spain since january this year and we don't speak Spanish yet, at least not good enough to have a real conversation (other than paying in a shop or ordering coffee in a restaurant). We have no friends here. We used to have a couple of English people we associated with this summer, it felt like they were our friends, or at least becoming such, but with the blink of an eye it was all over and they disappeared as fast as they appeared. (Of course there's a whole story to it, but that's not related to this topic). So when they were gone we also lost contact with their friends and people around them. We were back to basics, just me and my husband again. The only social contacts we have are online through skype with my kids, my SIL and a handful of friends in Holland and some email contacts.
I've written and sent nearly thirty Christmas cards by regular mail and a same amount through email, so over 60 people received our wishes for Christmas and New Year. Less than 10 people responded (I'm not expecting people to send cards in return, but a simple email with a note like 'hey, thanks for your card'... is that too much to expect?).
So actually today I feel lonely. The friends I had in Holland are minimized and they rarely stay in touch. So basically it's just me and my husband. Day in day out.
And don't get me wrong, I adore him, he's the love of my life. I've lost him when I was sixteen, because he wasn't a JW and my father just blew him away and forbid him to contact me ever again. That was THE trigger for me to get baptized, because then the loss of my love would at least had a purpose and wouldn't be for nothing. So I got baptized age 17 with a whole group of folks around the same age (actually, it wasn't just because of losing my love, it was also that I never felt I fitted in with the other JW-children, so this was something that made me feel like I was one of them, I belonged with them... at least that was the thought). Shortly after that I got married to a JW elders son, we got children together, we were together for nearly fifteen years, then I fell in love with a guy I met through the internet and left my then husband, got DF'd for adultery, a year later I left that guy who was really bad for me and I went looking for my first love and found him. All I wanted was closure, because my father had removed him so brutally out of my life, but we ended up together. Our love was so strong, even after nearly eighteen years, and we both felt we were meant for each other.
Anyway, we got married and my husband is my true love, my soulmate... but I also want other people to talk to. So I can get my feelings, doubts, worries, thoughts off my chest. Because my husband has never been a JW and he doesn't understand why I'm on JWN. So I can tell him everything I want, but the things related to JW's... he just doesn't understand. He can't imagine why I would continue digging up this whole ordeal with my family, losing my friends, being DF'd etc. He says it just makes me feel miserable and doesn't do any good. His solution would be "drop the topic, forget about it and move on".
So I've tried that. I was very active on a Dutch ex-JW website and a couple of years ago I quit. I thought "time to move on". I really thought I could forget about it, feel numb about the loss of my family and never look back. But it just doesn't work that way for me. So I started to read here earlier this year and after reading a couple of months I became a member and started to post. And it feels good, since here are so many people who can relate to and understand how I feel.
It's like being amputated. You can live without that arm or leg, hand or toe. But there always will be times when you think "what if it didn't happen?" or just remember how it was when you weren't amputated. I feel amputated. Even though I don't have any positive feelings for my family, at least not for the people they are NOW, hateful and hypocritical, but they are my family and every now and then I do miss having family. I've got nieces and nephews who don't even know me, probably don't even know I exist. And the ones that do know I exist have been told that I'm crazy (I know, since one of my nieces said that on the last occasion I've seen them, at my non-JW grandmother's funeral). That hurts. I can't help it, it just hurts. I've always wanted to be their 'favorite auntie'. When I was still 'in' I always was the first to visit my siblings when a new baby was born. I'm such a 'family person', I love giving presents, letting the people around me know that I love them, giving and receiving hugs, laugh with each other, talk about vacations in the past, watching old photographs together...
And so this morning I was thinking. And it suddenly was crystal clear to me that my biggest issue is my expectations. I expect things to happen, I expect people to do things... Like with the Christmas cards, I expected more response and hoped to hear from all those people I think of as friends... And when that doesn't happen I'm disappointed. I was expecting to be a wonderful aunt and everything fell apart when I got DF'd. I came to Spain and expected to speak Spanish within weeks and build friendships with people here... but it hasn't come to that (yet). So I'm disappointed.
And then there's another issue... My husband has a dream, he wants to be rich, financially free. And of course I want him to achieve that, for him and for me. So I've supported him for the last ten years. And very often he told me it's just a matter of 'a couple of months'... and I expected it to happen. I could nearly FEEL it happening... how could it turn out differently? It HAD to happen. For over ten years I've been living with this expectation of financial freedom 'around the corner'. Just a couple more months, it won't take long... and when the money starts to flow we can travel, pay off our debts, buy a beautiful house etc. We will be able to live the life of our dreams. "When it happens..."
This morning it just hit me... I'm doing the EXACT SAME THING as I did as a witness!!!! I'm waiting for things 'around the corner' that might never come. I'm expecting this paradise-like life... always feeling a bit that the life I'm living right now is not yet what it will be... I'm living on expectations and hope, waiting... always waiting... "When we have a lot more money... then..."...
I told my husband how I felt and he doesn't get it. He feels like I'm blaming him for not being rich yet. But I'm not blaming him. I told him I want to live more in the HERE and NOW, but he translates that to a life without dreams. He feels bad about how I feel. But I don't blame him, I blame myself for walking into the same trap again! I was a born-in JW, lived that life for 32 years and got kicked out. I still believed they had the 'truth' when I got DF'd. Only a year or so later I started to read about the WTS and learned that they're a bunch of liars. I suddenly realized "I'm going to die!" So I've started to live my life in a new way. I became a pagan, later I learned about witchcraft and became a witch. But slowly somewhere along the way I've put in the expectations and hope just like I had as a JW... it's like a computer program that runs in the background...
And I don't want it to be this way. I don't want to expect things and get disappointed when they turn out to be wrong or not realistic.
Now that I've come to this realization the question is: how do I change it? How do I end this unwanted 'program', or should I say 'virus', to run my life?
If we will ever be rich, wealthy, financially free, that would be great. But it shouldn't be a 'show stopper' if it doesn't happen. My life is not about that, I don't want it to be. I want to enjoy the things we have, even though they're small and old. I want to be happy with the tiny rented house we live in, without every time looking at the packed full kitchen thinking "soon, in our new big house I'll have a huge kitchen with lots of space"... That kitchen might never come! I want to be happy that we have a house to live in, we have a kitchen, we're able to live in Spain and enjoy the sunshine 320 days a year, we have enough money to pay the rent and buy food. And yes, I would love to have more money to be freed from the worries if we'll be able to pay the rent, be able to visit my children more often (haven't seen my eldest in eight months now ), but I no longer wish to live with that feeling of 'soon, anytime now'... and 'when it happens...'.
Thank you for reading (if you made it til here). I'm starting to feel a bit better now, good to have it off my chest.
Bruja-del-Sol.
