I just couldn't do it...

joyfulfader

I have recently become friends with some women who belong to a church in my area. They are fun, great women. One of them used to be a witness actually but it has been many years. I went to a mini women's group meeting. I made plans to go on Sunday morning just to see what it was about. I had a huge revelation the Saturday night before i was to go. I was not fully comfortable about going to any church for oh so many reasons (I am opposed to organized religion as a whole now plus I have been having a serious agnostic leaning as of late).

So, Saturday I am watching a documentary that hit me hard and I had a panic attack regarding my impending church attendance. This was by no means because of fear of reprisal by anyone in the kh nor was it in any way related to my many years of indoctrination that churches are evil. I realized that I have never had any faith in a god. Never. Not as the pioneer nor as the elder's daughter and later, elder's wife. I did it ALL because I didn't know any better and because it was all I knew. I realize that I have always been at least agnostic if not atheist. I am astounded at this idea.

It is ironic because I would truly like to believe because I see some people I know where god has made a huge difference in their lives but I just can't believe. I can't believe in the god of the bible. I just can't. And to go to a place of worship where they tell you to put your faith and trust in god...it makes me ill. Physically.

I honestly feel that I would rather die than be forced to serve a god like the one in the bible. Jesus seemed like a good man but again...I have no faith at all that he was what the bible says he was/is.

The idea that I have never believed makes my choices and my life make so much more sense. I always have strived to better myself and be more and fight the system. Now I better understand why.

ABibleStudent

Hi joyfulfader, What church were you planning to attend? Does the church you were thinking of attending promote shunning of members? Does the church promote giving money for charitable activities like helping to feed or shelter non-members? Are you afraid of being trapped in another dangerous cult like the WTBTS? Establish what your objectives are and independently research any organization that you are thinking of joining to help you overcome your phobias from being a JW.

Instead of going to the church to serve God, how about going to be with friends who you enjoy being with and who do not judge you for your beliefs? How about going to help other people?

If you enjoy helping other people, how about joining a secular non-profit that actually helps feed, clothe, provide shelter for, and/or help educate non-members?

Best of wishes critically thinking for yourself and overcome your WTBTS induced phobias.

Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

Robert

pronomono

I've had these exact same thoughts.

joyfulfader

Robert-it is a contemporary Protestant mega church. It has a band and is aimed toward the younger crowd. And it isn't the WT phobias influencing me as much as my complete (newly realized) disbelief in a god. I have no feelings of spirituality but see how a belief in god has been helpful for some and that has swayed me to try a church of some sort. I have since changed my mind about trying anything god related. At least for now.

joyfulfader

I would like to engage in some meaningful charitable work though. This particular church does that but makes you sign a weird cultish legal waiver.

DATA-DOG

Well, everyone's different. I don't believe in JEHOVAH of the Watchtower. Am I going to be eternally damned?? I don't think so. Do your new friends like you no matter what? If so, great. How can you be sure that your experiences in the WT have not affected you more than you think? Just curious.

You know, if I ever get out, I doubt that I will ever set foot in a church. I feel more in touch with a creator by being around nature. I would go hiking, or paint landscapes, heck..even Kung-Fu makes more sense than a JW meeting..

DD

Hortensia

Very interesting OP -- I had the same experience, a very odd feeling when I realized that I never really believed. When I got out of the org., and started thinking about the Bible, I realized that I never had believed it. I studied a lot and was a pioneer and all that bullshit, but it just kept me from thinking, it didn't make me believe.

Gopher

Same feeling here - that I probably never really believed, no matter how hard I tried or wanted to.

Actually - everybody is agnostic by the definition of "not knowing for sure", as the existence of God cannot be proven or disproven. Atheism can mean you don't see enough evidence to believe, but would believe if irrefutable evidence somehow came about. Strong atheism is the definite philosophy that God cannot exist.

As far as going to churches, different ex-JW's come to different conclusions. I just talked to an ex-JW Protestant churchgoer this weekend who likes her church but was disturbed by her pastor's assertion that JW's are not Christian because they don't believe in the "same Christ" as real Christians do. THAT kind of attitude is why I never really wanted to start attending another church (post JW) because when you scratch below the surface so many who seem nice are really judgmental about anyone who doesn't fall in line with their belief system. I had ENOUGH of that BS when I was in Watchtower World.

joyfulfader

I see so much hypocrisy in all religion. I want to keep god separate from religion but even when I take religion out of the equation I can't believe in God. I believe less and less the more I read the bible sadly.

Gopher

Joyfulfader - I guess "sadly" is the right word because we spent so much time and invested so much effort under the idea that the Bible was really trustworthy, and that idea lingered on even after we found ourselves outside of the JW's.

For skeptics it is true that where reason stops belief begins, and where belief stops reason begins.

I just couldn't do it...

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