Why I am upset with myself for my atheistic beliefs

by confusedandalone 35 Replies latest jw experiences

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  confusedandalone

  Yesterday me and the wife were talking about how much better life has become. She said something that got me thinking and made me a bit sad for a while. We were discussing where we are at individually in our quest for understanding about the "super-natural" and I expressed I have no belief in it at all and how much I have changed she says, "I don't think you have changed much. Maybe your words but not your actions. You never really seemed very spiritual before and even hypocritical." She kinda laughed and kept talking. SO I said what do you mean by that??!?!?

  She said, "think about this for a sec, you always forgot to pray before eating. Never prayed with the kids, we never had a family study regularly, you hated field services and never talked about the new system and always talked about why you never could understand why Jehovah treated everyone not a jew badly... so when you decided you wanted nothing to do with religion anymore I have to say I was not totally surprised."

  I was kinda floored by this.

  She says whenever she asked bible questions I would answer but never wanted to talk about it long. Everything spiritual seemed like a chore.

  SO I asked her if this bothered her. She said at times it did but most of her family in Jamaica are the same way so she was more concerned about a man that cared about family and that is what drew her to me. Ok so I was happy about that but then I began to think about what type of hypocrite I was for a very long time. Giving talks about all this glorious stuff GOD would do while at the same time not really demonstrating that I believed it. Encouraging others to take up a lifestyle that I myself found unrewarding...

  Had I decided to become a Buddhist or a Taoist or a Muslim or a something else first before becoming an atheist it would have atleast made me feel that I was atleast really on a quest for some type of divine being. Coming to grips with the fact that I was doing something for no other reason than that I was just riding the wave so to speak makes me feel a smidge angered
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  nonjwspouse

  Each persons journey in life, quest for understanding, is different. Do not judge yourself harshly. You were only doing what you thought was right at the time. Now you know differently, and you are doing what you think is right. I have a hard time calling that hypocritical unless you were purposly acting contrary to your beliefs. Purposeful actions and words, in my book, are different from not doing it on purpose. I don't believe you can lie unless you know it is a lie when you tell it. Otherwise you are decieved and that isn't to be judged harshly.

  If that makes sense. I am having a hard time expressing myself this morning.
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  OnTheWayOut

  First of all, Jehovah's Witnesses definition of "spiritual" is a crock. So your wife listing the type of measurements used by JW's like praying, studying, field recruiting is not helping you determine if you are really "spiritual." Wanting nothing to do with organized religion is not what spirituality is either.

  Secondly, many believers' definition of "spiritual" is not much better. It would seem they insist on some measure of blind faith in accepting that God is there to provide your daily bread while it is not His fault when bad things happen to good people. Many people cannot just go along with that and their spiritual journey leads them away from those thoughts.

  So, if you left believing the teachings of JW's and did not become a Buddhist, does that mean you are not "spiritual" ?

  My definition of "spiritual" is "Concern with all things that are not secular." Going to work to pay the bills to put food on the table, that is secular. Searching for the truth of life, the universe, and everything is very spiritual. But so is doing good deeds. So is seeking knowledge of any subject other than ones that will make you more money. If the truth and knowledge-seeking has led you to atheism, that doesn't mean it isn't a spiritual journey. It is a quest for answers whether you are climbing the Himilayan Mountains to ask the monk or just opening Richard Dawkins' latest book.

  Your morality is part of your spirituality. Tell your wife and kids how you feel about them and be true to yourself and to what you tell them- that is incredibly spiritual. Doing things to unwind and sharing time with others- that is spiritual.

  I gather with other ex-JW's often. When I do, I feel very spiritual. And it doesn't matter what path they are on. We are all helping each other, supporting each other. So, enjoy your spirituality.
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  Laika

  If you're going to get angry at yourself for acting hypocritically/dishonestly, being an atheist (or anything else for that matter) is not going to solve this.

  Allow yourself some inconsistency, you'll feel much better.
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  confusedandalone

  " You were only doing what you thought was right at the time. Now you know differently, and you are doing what you think is right. I have a hard time calling that hypocritical unless you were purposly acting contrary to your beliefs. Purposeful in my book is different from not doing it on purpose. I don't believe you can lie unless you know it is a lie when you tell it. "

  I am not sure I was doing what I thought was right... I guess it will take time for me to really and truly grasp it. I am wondering if I ever really want to think about it deeply. I remember being in the car after a talk telling my wife that I know I am sending my kids to college and then laugh. I knew full well that it was stupid to say but I did it anyway because it was expected... I often told people what they should be doing when I knew I wasn't. I guess beating myself up over it doesn't help but it was a shocking moment.

  " First of all, Jehovah's Witnesses definition of "spiritual" is a crock. So your wife listing the type of measurements used by JW's like praying, studying, field recruiting is not helping you determine if you are really "spiritual." Wanting nothing to do with organized religion is not what spirituality is either."

  I think when she listed those things it was to make me understand that the things I believed marked spirituality I was not really engaging in... I could be wrong. I am wrong quite often LOL. My understanding of spirituality now has nothing to do with the super natural etc... Acutually I am still early in my "walk" so to speak. It is a huge thing to realize that there is no big guy controlling it all. It makes you reevaluate ALOT OF THINGS. ALOT OF THINGS. At this point personal improvement is my religion so to speak. I am concerned solely about happy family life and all that it entails. I have no room for the extra. Not sure if this makes sense outside of my own head
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  confusedandalone

  " being an atheist (or anything else for that matter) is not going to solve this."

  Me being an atheist is not a step I have taken because I feel hypocritcal or dishonest. However me becoming an atheist has helped me to be free to analyze why I allowed myself to carry on in religious activities that I was not really ok with.

  For instance upon leaving the JDubs I was adamant for about 3 weeks or so that I was going to find a good church and draw close to god and all that but I really had no idea why I HAD TO DO THIS. Then as I read posts of people on this board who's names I will not mention I kept hearing things they would say that I also said over and over for YEEEARS but I would just ignore.

  For instance:

  God being partial/the obvious foolishness of the stories in the old testament/ the glaring inconsistencies of the New / the caveman laws and regulations in the bible / the Jesus and Paul stories that when analyzed would turn my brain to much trying to make myself accept them(not trying to be disrespectful just sharing my thoughts)

  When I heard other people saying this abundance of things that I felt for years they were making me realize what I truly felt within myself. It made me so angry I literally banged on my desk at times because it was forcing me to confront things that I knew or felt and would just blatantly ignore because to accept them would mean that I friggin wasted years of my life doing something that I didn't even think was right.
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  Laika

  Sure CAA, that's great, but my point was that I think we're all hypocrites to some extent, probably not as much as when we were JWs, but it's still there. Learning to be ok with this is an important part of the exit process, I think.
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  OnTheWayOut

  I am concerned solely about happy family life and all that it entails. I have no room for the extra.

  So that is hugely "spiritual." That is far more important than what you believe. And making sure the family has what it needs, despite that being secular, crosses a line into the spiritual because it is putting the most important things first in life.
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  confusedandalone

  " but my point was that I think we're all hypocrites to some extent, probably not as much as when we were JWs, but it's still there." I agree with this statement 100%... i just don't like it LOL

  " And making sure the family has what it needs, despite that being secular, crosses a line into the spiritual because it is putting the most important things first in life." - OTWO this particular pursuit is what drives me. After years of suffering from underachieving JW parents who did the very minimum for us because THEY THOUGHT it was what GOD wanted them to do I am trying to do everything in my power to give my children opportunities. Children need to have opportunites to do THINGS and see THINGS so that they can get out of the close-minded thinking that I was a prisoner of.
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  DS211

  Confused---i am actually the same as you were. I FEEL like a hypocrite. I hate service i NEVER do regukar family study, i hate giving talks and reading, never study for the watchtower not the thursday meeting either...aaaand now i have t been to 3 meetings in a row. I am questioning verything although i do still hang on to the idea that God or something outside our planet that was exaggerated to a god status isreal...but i am very similar...only difference is im not sure if you have kkids but i have two daughters, im 27, and thats pretty much it haha

  we all have a journey in life and come the end of our life we will all know if we were wrong or right...what im finding important no matter what you believe is to make the best of your life and savor every Second.