Getting Married next year

by blablabluh 13 Replies latest social relationships

  • blablabluh

    Hi all, so I am getting married next year and just looking for some advice.

    I left the Jw's about 10 years ago now and I am marrying a non JW (who is also a scientist) next year. My family are all still active and my brother has even agreed to be my best man. There hasn't really been many issues apart from my mum taking it upon herself to tell everyone early that they do not do toasts. She has also made sure my brother is aware that he can't do a toast which has just caused an issue that didn't need to be created.

    Obviously my fiance's family don't really understand why and to be honest neither do I. I do remember never being allowed to do it but always thought it was stupid. I explained to my mum that no one really ever clinks glasses anymore it's just a simple gesture to congratulate the couple with no meaning behind it other than that.

    I had a look on the ORG. website about toasting and as far as I can see, it doesn't give any valid explanation as to why they can't do it. It simply says, "we once quote in a watchtower the encyclopedia britanica 1910 that toasting was probably....etc etc.". IN my opinion the "probably" part really casts doubt and does not confirm anything. Basically it uses the same reasoning not to partake in this tradition as it does to say it's ok have wedding rings and other wedding traditions which were once pagan. (if that makes sense)

    Anyway, I know the toasting/pagan nonsence is all old news but has anyone been in the same situation? if so, how did you deal with it? Also should I mix my JW family with all the non Jw's during dinner?

    Any tips or advice would be most welcomed.

  • DesirousOfChange

    They still think toasting is a spell to scare away the demons or something foolish like know.....roots in pagandom (just like the wedding ring). It doesn't have to make sense. If it's in the WT, then it's from God. Biggest issue is that it could get your active JW counseled and cost him privleges like walking mics if someone want to stir it up. Just skip it or have a non-JW initiate it if it's important enough tradition to you.

    Since you "left" many years ago, I assume you were baptized. Stirring too much crap could motivate some zealot to start a witch-hunt for you. (For example, have you been fornicating while only engaged before your marriage?)

    Since most of the JWs sound like they are family, I'd sit them together and spare the other guests from being preached at.


  • blablabluh

    Cheers Doc, Luckily I was never baptised. Also never had any JW friends depsite being in since birth so leaving was actually really easy for me as I had nothing to lose apart from my home which my mum kindly kicked me out of.

    I reckon my brother only agreed to be my best man as I was never baptised and supsequently DF'd.

    I like the idea of getting someone else to come up to do a toast. I'll run it past the mrs!

  • blablabluh

    subsequently *

  • KateWild

    You and your new wife are in control of your lives which includes your wedding. You are right it all stems back to pagan rituals anyway. You both decide what is and isn't an issue and tell your family on a need to know basis. Once they are there, not much they can do.

    Don't let the BOrg you left have any control over your lives and your wedding day. Make sure it is a happy day everyone remembered with fondness.

    All the best

    Kate xx

  • Gopher

    You might also mention that wedding rings themselves have roots in ancient paganism. Here is a page apparently written by a JW that confesses that this is true but says that it really doesn't matter:

    Also calendars themselves have names of pagan Gods embedded in them. January is named after the Janus, the god of beginnings. June is named after Juno, queen of the gods. So if JW's can't use things with a pagan origin, they should not use a calendar to schedule weddings, conventions and the like.

    The piñata has a pagan origin, and yet the WTS has written that its pagan origin doesn't matter and its usage is a conscience matter for JW's. Here's what the Awake magazine said about them: "However, if it is very obvious that a custom has no current false religious ties (significance) and involves no violation of Bible principles, each Christian must make a personal decision as to whether he will follow such a custom." - September 22, 2003 AWAKE! magazine, pages 22-24.

    Is a toast any less pagan than wedding rings, calendars and piñatas? I doubt it. Should it matter to a JW? I doubt it. (But I know some JW's tend to invent rules or cast something in a harsher light than is necesary.)

  • Hortensia

    It's not a JW wedding. Do it the way you like and let the devil take the hindmost. If your brother doesn't want to do a toast, OK. Someone else will do it instead.

  • jgnat

    In my experience Witnesses always have to make a "show" of their difference at family events like this. I'll make a couple suggestions.

    • The wedding ceremony is to witness a solemn vow between you two. If any family member suggests they will attend the reception but NOT the ceremony, they are off the invitee list. If they are not going to witness your ceremony, what are they there for? The free food?
    • Seat all the Witnesses at their own tables near the kitchen. If they want to make a "show" let them do it at the back of the room.
    • I would ignore all bad behavior on the day, other than perhaps alert ushers ahead of time to watch for any trouble and conduct a quick escort out for any troublemakers. It's too late to prevent it and you should concentrate on the good memories.
  • whathappened

    You may want to mention that if they aren't paying for the reception that they really don't have a say. (Do so in the kindliest way you can, of course.)

    It was an issue at my daughters wedding. Someone forgot to tell the DJ and he stopped the music to offer a toast and was floored when he heard that we don't do toasts. That's why Witnesses are better know for what the DON'T do than for what the Do.

  • cantleave

    Weddings are a minefield. You won't please them whatever you do, therefore please the two most important people at the event - you and your intended!

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