I feel for you, SOP.. As for me, I can't scream. But my face just contorts and makes this bitter funny movements half of the duration of every meeting I've been to these days.
Sometimes you just want to scream
My husband has an Edward Munch "Scream" tie. He wears it when he has to go to a business meeting, it's a statement of sorts about his feelings about meetings. He works for a very conservative government organization, so he is considered quite the rebel. Maybe you could do the same and see if you get counseled about it.
I couldn't remain at the Hall. While I am not suggesting a path for anyone else by what I say here, I just had to fade quickly and get out of there and be my own self. As a fader, I bite my tongue a little bit but I don't pretend to be something I am not.
You do have to find a way to "scream." Do something anti-JW that you won't get caught at or have repercussions if you do get caught. Burn a magazine, buy a lottery ticket, give to an interfaith charity, look at internet pornography, do something BAD by their standards as a way to scream. Don't go so far as to cheat on a spouse or injur someone by what you do. How about going to a gun range and firing off rounds or paintball? It's not against the rules, but will let you do something kind of bad.
A doctor illustrated an article about the pain syndrome I had with The Scream. It evokes anguish and terror more effectively than billions of words. In fact, it was recently on display at the Museum of Modern Art in New York. A friend told me that it is the only case where the reproduction is more powerful than the actual piece of art, which was a pastel.
You are in a process. I feel the same way when I am making transitions. Just get it over with. Just do it. Concrete goals with a timeline might help.
If you can describe the meetings as The Scream, you must be out in heart and soul. I believe we identify with what you describe.
Renewed focus of the JW primary original tracking of UN development has stalled for now 22 years. It is apparent JWs are mum on UN 3rd manifestation of 1990 as Bethel instead became a UN NGO co-promoter of that governmental statement of global order - the "new world order" term that spikes in JW publications between 1991-2001 on the WTLib CD.
So between the lines, Bethel has become a UN annex that also diverts any Biblical awareness that a 3rd UN placement is even significant, leads to a final 4th UN placement to complete te super-cycle from 1919, 1945, 1990 and the future. To JWs in general, all time stopped at UN 2nd placement of 1945 - nothing else matters. And if JWs and others lost track of that trajectory to where it leads as the primary focus of the tracking of the rival 8th Kingdom of mankind (UN full world government) since the 1920's to 1990 lost, slowly deprogrammed to inconsequential by the Bethel hypnotists, then no other formerly pressing JW truth of the past matters either any longer in JW reality. It is all now an afterimage illusion, an echo chamber, a Bethel parrot show.
JWs do not realize that they are no longer the same JWs as 1940s version, they are no longer Kingdom witnesses, but UN affiliates and co-promoters to their segment of the world audience for UN purposes, not God's Kingdom any longer.
So even JWs are now lulled into a coma and can't even keep track of their own former ministerial priority of the main subject matter here: World Rulership. That trajectory formerly tracked by JW, forming a far larger momentum of that 1920-1960 peak of spiritual concern in tracking, what were then, modern UN events and Messianic Kingdom events, that both manifested concurrently at approximately the same time of 1919 League of Nations rival proclamation first, as JWs started to congeal a Kingdom of God competitive proclamation as the impetus of their 1914 ministry continuation, is now lost completely in modern JWs, or UNW's.
At one time a United Nations development was big news to JWs. Not any more! It's all "the organization", and GB, blah, blah, blah. An idolatrous carnival of Bethel sychpants.
Even if it was all make believe, JWs did directly affront the then formative "new world order" UN related system with a diametric statement of world rulership destiny from 1920s to 1960s. Today's JWs instead are UN NGO and hush hush the whole UN continued evolution, that like post WW1, WW2 and cold war, also will, as per quadruple formula, require a tumultuous final world cycle of globalization finalities to eventually present an actual world government, say a decade from now. (Hence why the Matt24:29 "tribulation" also ends in "peace and security" at that time. To JWs this makes no sense, because Bethel is UN stagnant and the core subversion and diversion).
JWs are setting up their own end game prematurely.
Strangely, JWs have created a self fulfilling prophecy that instead ends their own ministry "any day now", rather than the obvious realization a final globalization cycle is needed to complete the "8th King" world government far beyond the scale and function, but including, the UN. So as David Rockefeller and Henry Kissinger and others in the developmental thinktanks of 8th King world government now proclaim a final cycle, JWs instead preach a premature end, which can only be realized on Bethel now, as a JW self fulfilling prophecy, not the world system as a whole.
Or else God and Christ would show up to find no world rulership contender ready for battle for earth's sovereign supremacy, according to JWs own rules of engagement. So weirdly, JWs have taken an exit way way off "the road to life" and abandoned their former destination and meaning, as well as modern awareness of globalization, and are themselves lacking any true hub of unity in that Bethel diversion now completing.
It's a strange let down by lead Bethel snoozing hypocrites. Hopefully people can stay in tune with the Bible that already does outline all four renditions of UN evolution to final form (Dan11:31-45), and that must continue in development to were it must lead as per the whole gist of the former JW "Armageddon" ministry.
JWs, as a whole in general, have of course not progressed in UN understanding since 2nd placement UN 1945. To JWs, the 1990 UN "new world order" statements as another way of saying world government order, are totally insignificant, and harmless. One can even join the UN proclamations henceforth as UN NGO, and jump ship from the Messianic Kingdom former proclamation and cause, and everything is just fine.
It is just a matter of time and JWs will also be scattered, the unity is already gone, Bethel is a grenade ready to blow. It cannot simply remain a static affair either for Bethel or the UN readying final cycle inevitable activation soon. True it goes on a decade, but JWs will be scattered at the start of that cycle to finalize their true internally scattered condition since 1990 easily seen in hindsight from before then.
And that will be a signal many have been seeking. What occurs after is a required purification and clarification of reality. The UN will be in it's fourth developmental drive to complete actual world government, and JWs will need to wake up, and face the facts, and remember their former ministry of JWs of long ago (1914-1950).