Getting Stuck on the Idea of Closure

by OnTheWayOut 40 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  LisaRose

  Well put. I agree, there is never a reason to tell someone to "get over it". Nobody wants to suffer, so if they are still in pain, it's because they can't get over it, at least not yet. Whatever they are doing to cope, they need to do. Everyone is different, we all react to things in different ways, and are on a different stages in the recovery process.

  I had a fairly easy exit from the religion and only have a few siblings who shun me, I do feel I have moved on, yet I still have feelings of regret about wasting so many years of my life in a destructive religion and I will never get those years back. That regret is an old wound that reminds me to rise above my past and strive to live my best life and make every day count from here on out. Coming here is part of that process.

  In my experience, those who say they don't have any feelings about having been in a cult, who are impatient with those who are still struggling, have not really come to terms with what happened and who are still being hurt because they haven't acknowledged how deep the wounds go.
• 

  Adiva

  Just when I think I'm 'over it', something happens to open the wound. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to but, it still hurts. And the hurt doesn't last as long as it used to. Kinda like Michael Corleone, 'just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in'.

  Adiva
• 

  adamah

  Great post, OTWO, as you've realized that the theory of the stages of dealing with loss primarily applies to those who experience irreversible loss (like death); it's questionable to apply it when you're still actively experiencing the loss, since external events will alter it.

  Ask a JW, and they'd tell you that DFing is not an irreversible or permanent situation: shunning is done to ENCOURAGE the person to see the error of their ways and come back and repent, getting reinstated. It's ONLY applicable when the DFed person finally decides to move on with their lives and remove themselves from all vestiges of anything relating to JWs (and that would include JWN), getting to the point where they know that the ONLY WAY they could ever go back in would be to first experience closed-head trauma to lose my cognitive abilities and forget EVERYTHING they know about TTATT. Obvously that doesn't apply to those who have mates/children/relatives still in, since they'll likely always have the JWs as a presence in their lives.

  All you can do is speak for yourself: as an educated and free-thinking adult, there is NO WAY I'd recidivize and go crawling back to become a non-thinking drone. I did something with my life, and grew beyond what the JWs offer, and cannot go back. Ever.

  It's good to remember too that the stages are only a GUIDELINE, not a PREDICTION: the process is highly-variable for individuals, with cycling, jumping over steps, delays or going into remission, etc.

  Adam
• 

  Gayle

  It's a scam that is continuously robbing people by the millions worldwide, of their time, life, family and money.

  Why should we get over it! Closure is not possible, exposure is the answer.
• 

  The Searcher

  You are only fulfilling Christ's words, "By their fruits you will know them".

  You are demonstrating heart-felt empathy with those who will/have gone through what you have had to deal with, and genuinely want to offer helpful advice to such ones. No wonder Jesus described the people in his day as ' sheep without a shepherd, skinned and thrown about'. Most Witnesses today are/will be like that, whether they want to believe it or not!

  Keep it up - whatever you say or do to the least of Christ's brothers..........Matthew 25:40!
• 

  Calebs Airplane

  Closure won't come if you have close family still in...

  It's like trying to ignore this...

  
• 

  Mandette

  OTWO,

  I don't post here much, but I read here frequently. What you posted made perfect sense to me. I've been out 18 years. I'm still absolutely pissed at the deception fostered upon my family(allowing for personal responsibility). It's caused no end of heartache for my family. Please take care and know that you're not alone. Thank you for your eloquent post.
• 

  Oubliette

  OTWO, I think the problem might be that seem to think that "closure" means not thinking about the traumatic experience any longer. Clearly this idea is not contained in the concept of "acceptance," which you also seem to be equating with closure.

  OTWO: We often try to insist on the stages even for ourselves, and then think that acceptance means total (or near total) closure.

  Am I misunderstanding you?

  To me "closure" means been done with something, over it. But "acceptance" does not necessarily mean that. We can accept things we do not like and that we continually have to deal with; in fact, that IS the point of acceptance.
• 

  Oubliette

  I often look forward to the day when I am an ex-ExJW. That means to say when being an "ExJW" is such a defining part of my life.

  I'm clearly not there yet, but I am getting closer.

  Sometimes I apply the analogy of a rearview mirror. I look foward to the time when my days as a JW are so far back in my rearview that they are gone. That might be closure, at least for me. However, I know that as long as I still have children stuck in the cult that will never happen. This is something I have come to accept. I don't like it, but I am learning to live with it, doing what I can do about it and accepting what I cannot.
• 

  clarity

  OnTheWayOut .... I would hate it ...if you weren't here

  clarity