I hate it that I have to lie so much to fade...

by ILoveTTATT 22 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  ILoveTTATT

  I am feeling down... I feel trapped, and don't know what to do... Just need to vent here I guess...

  So my mom calls me today, and asks how I am doing. "How are you doing spiritually?" I respond... yeah, you know, the usuals... service, meeting, etc...

  She tells me that she's doing a lot of service with my dad... I say, "great!"... I hate having to pretend so many things... Just like 8 months ago, I would have told her everything... I used to tell her everything about my life, now I don't, I feel so bad because I have to pretend I am a good JW... my dad knows the real story, and can see (they put me on speakerphone when they call) that I have to lie, meanwhile I am telling him TTATT secretly, on the side.

  My dad's the only one that I tell the truth about my life to... he seems to be fully awake now, and I would love it if I could do something to start the process with my mom... I just don't know what to do!!

  anyways... thanks for being here, being my support!!

  ILTTATT
• 

  Hortensia

  It's one of those areas where you have to count the cost. How mad will she be when she finds out you've been lying to her? What would be the fallout if you tell her the truth now?

  I vote for telling the truth and letting the chips fall where they may -- but then I have nothing to lose.

  What does your dad say about it?
• 

  adamah

  Yeah, fading is not easy, but remember that you didn't create the rules; you just have to decide how you want to play them so you don't trigger a reaction, and hopefully you've come up with an exit stratey.

  Interesting that you say your dad is awake: why don't you share the difficulty you're experiencing with him, and ask him for advice on the guilt you feel from lying to your mom (his wife)? He's doing the same....

  Adam
• 

  krejames

  Feeling for you ILoveTATT - i hate it too
• 

  ILoveTTATT

  @ Hortensia: She will be mad either way... but if I tell her the truth now, it will hit the fan, for sure!! I prefer being free and just quickly lying to her and telling her that I am doing service and going to the meetings, she backs off very quickly after that... than telling her that I am NOT supporting the WT anymore, that I am fading, and having all hell break loose...

  I know TTATT, and my dad knows it (but is finding it hard to accept it... we have to literally study it as much as we used to study WT publications)...

  My dad has strictly told me to not tell anyone about TTATT, and definitely not my mom. He vouches for me moving to a different city and fading on my own terms there. He has said, "you can move, I can't..." when I suggest he start fading... see, technically, I have nothing to lose, but it's my dad who has a 30-year marriage on the line. It reallly is ...

  @adamah:

  He probably feels guilty at lying to my mom too (lying by not telling her what he knows that I know)... but my dad is amazing at bottling things up, and not worrying about things. I can't... I have a HUGE problem keeping my feelings in check (something I got from my mom), but now I am getting more adept at lying (which, I really had not ever done before I learnt TTATT, it's so ironic)...
• 

  jgnat

  Consider this short time deception as a kindness....to your mom. Trust your dad to approach her in his own way. You will make your dad proudest by building a great new life.
• 

  ILoveTTATT

  Jgnat,

  Thank you!! Great piece of advice...
• 

  DATA-DOG

  Maybe this will make you feel better,....maybe not. Some people cannot handle the truth. They simply are not ready for it, and may never be. Now, if you really believe the bible is Gods's word, then you must realize that the truth will bring a sword. That may very well be our family members. Facing truth means facing fear, just like Paul Atreides from DUNE. Ok, that was weird, but I love that movie! Anyways... people are fearful of truth, change, success, death, you name it. The more fearful a person is, the more they can be controlled by others with " satisfying scriptural answers."

  Jw'ism is a materialistic religion. For all their talk of faith in the " things unseen", they worship an Organization with the GB as their collective Pope. Reality scares them, they NEED an answer for everything. Just look at CTR's writings. Trying to answer everything leads to speculation, which if left unchecked, become dogma. The speaker at our KH today said that we have a paradise NOW. WOW, talk about going beyond what is written! Jw's are having their ears tickled by being told that they have a spiritual paradise NOW. That is hard to give up. Facing your mortality is hard as well. Your Mother has just not reached the point where she questions anything from the WTBTS, or she is not asking the right questions.

  As far as lying... If GOD allows the Devil to have control of the world, and we are thrown in the meat grinder until we die, why would HE judge you for having to suffer in it? Are we supposed to martyr ourselves and destroy our families? We are to be cautious as serpents. I would not destroy someone's snow-globe world off-hand. Trust me I KNOW what you are feeling. My wife is a GB worshipper, and my kid is well past baptism age. An old maid by JW baptism standards. I am caught in the middle. Do I lie to my child? NEVER! Must I be cautious? Yes! My wife has said that she will not live with an apostate. If I get all cray-cray and my wife divorces me, what will that do to my child? It's a tightrope between teaching my child to reason and coming of as having spiritual hydrophobia, to quote CTR.

  The wind blows where it wishes. YOU have to think this through. No one can tell you what to do. I wish I could give you an answer, but I can't. I can be your friend, and help you through whatever you experience. That's the best I can offer.
• 

  leavingwt

  The game was invented before you were born. The game is rigged. You're doing what you have to do, in order to escape in the best way possible.

  It's not your fault.
• 

  ILoveTTATT

  @Data-dog: Great words, thank you! I think my mother would almost literally go crazy if both my dad and I came out tomorrow from the JW's. It would be intense, searing emotional pain (and all for a LIE!!! )

  I know how important it is, now to just keep my mouth shut. Like you said, I am being cautious as a serpent. I am NOT lying to my dad, because at least one of them two deserves the truth about me. (My mom deserves it too, but, to quote the Bible, "there is a time for everything under the heavens")...

  I guess we all suffer jointly, in this website. Some of us have mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, etc... who shun us, or we fear that they will shun us. All for knowing the truth about this organization...

  As for an "answer"... I think I just need "reassurance" instead of an answer. Reassurance that what I am doing is the right thing... I do believe that the means here justify the ends...

  @leavingwt: Thanks! It really sucks that the game IS rigged...