"yes, Dear" works for wives too. You just say it over and over until they stop nagging.
You mis-spelled spouses.
"yes, Dear" works for wives too. You just say it over and over until they stop nagging.
You mis-spelled spouses.
Give her Crisis of Concience.
Tell her you'll discuss going back
after she reads it.
I have dealt with the same thing for my entire life. '3rd generation', 'raised in he truth', pioneered, was a servant, etc. etc, etc. I drifted off locally, then left & moved cross country. It didn't stop my Rutherford-ite father, who is also 'hell on wheels'. My mistake there was giving anyone near my father my address or phone number.
I have done the yelling thing, I have done the ignore thing, I have done the polite listening thing (same as yes mom, no mom). You are right: the polite 'listening thing' says yes to them and they start asking 'when...'.
After 23 years of this abuse, I simply stopped talking to him. (23 years times 1 phone call every 2 weeks = 23 X 26 or 598.) He refuses to admit that he has harassed me 600 times!!! BTW, the scripture says forgive your brother 70 X 7 (=490 times). I have discharged that scriptural obligation in spades!!!
OK, how is the not answering working??? He has redoubled the efforts to contact me. His letters were simply chiding and asking why and sug-gesting that I return. Now they are taking on threatening overtones.
He has also sent people to look me up. These people are uninvited and surprise me and it is embarrassing to explain that they have been lied to and tricked.
Yes, he lies. One of his favorites is 'my son can't find the KH!!!'
Nothing seems to get through the 'selective hearing'.
It seems that I have been HARASSED, STALKED and certainly MY CIVIL RIGHTS HAVE BEEN VIOLATED.
Unfortunately, as the previous paragraph indicates, this seems to be heading toward a LEGAL approach. This is distasteful enough that most people here (this discussion board) shy away from legal thoughts.
I have been considering some things on this site about STALKING, but have not fully evaluated it:
I have developed legal approaches of my own. Unfortunately, a legal remedy may be the only real answer.
I was born and raised a witness. Baptized at 14. Pioneered after High School and was accepted to Bethel when I was 19. Got booted from Bethel on my 21st b-day because someone exposed me for underage drinking prior to my 21st b-day. After I left Bethel, nothing was ever the same, and my eyes began to be opened and I started seeing more clearly. Ten years later now and I have been away from the JW's for over 6 years and my mother (a devout JW) insists on trying to "encourage" me to return to the JW's and I have told her repeatedly that I'm not interested but I can't seem to get it through her head that I'm not coming back. Without being rude, one anyone care to assist me in coming up with a way to end the persistant badgering I'm getting?-Angst
Welcome to the Board! (I say welcome only because since you haven't posted much, we are still getting to know you) I totally understand where you are right now in your life. I too was born and raised a witness. Baptized at 9, Auxiliary Pioneered a lot eventually becoming a Regular Pioneer. Unfortunately, unlike yourself, my eyes weren't opened until a few years ago (spent 33 years as a JW). My parents are also active JWs (baptized over 60 years). It's true as you said...nothing is ever the same. One of the most difficult things when you leave the JWs is dealing with family members still in. I would like to offer you one simple solution, but there isn't one. Every situation, although similar in nature, is unique.
My status (or JW label) at present is "inactive" by choice. I have been "inactive" close to four years. I've thought many times of "Disassociating" myself formally just so I could have what I thought of as total release and freedom. But, there was one problem. Since I was a witness all my life, most of my family and all of my "friends" were Witnesses. I wasn't prepared to be alone.
So comes the question...how to deal with relatives who are still in.
You mentioned that your Mom is a "devout JW." That term gives me shivers. It's interesting that Webster's Thesaurus lists "apostate" as a contrasting word to "devout." It seems by circumstance you and your Mom have gravitated towards polarity. This can be negative or positive. You can become diametrically opposed or choose to move together in a specific direction.
There are many examples of both positive and negative "encounters" with JW relatives. Here is an excerpt from one experience:
My encounters with my parents, brother, in-laws, and all other JWs who I ever exposed to involuntary information likely to cause a disconfirmation, was exactly the same. JWs are very well trained to kill the messenger if they don't like the message. In my experience, they don't like information that might cause their pseudo-personality and their apseudo-personality to meet. Sort of like a surprise mirror to a very obese person who unrealistically imagines themselves as slim and trim. Two things are suddenly at risk. (1) The mirror; and (2) The person responsible for introducing the mirror. My meetings with JW relatives all went exactly the same. They: (1) Personally attacked me, (2) Perceived the information as a specific attack on them personally, (3) Discredited the information itself without looking at it (even Watchtower publications), (4) Discredited the source of the information; and (5) Did whatever was necessary to drive me away from them including calling names and screaming threats.-Gary BusselmanHere's some interesting thoughts:
People are very deeply affected, in positive as well as negative ways, by intense involvement in any tightly constructed belief system. Some find membership in such groups to be very meaningful and personally rewarding. There is a great deal of comfort in "knowing" that one has access to sure truth. Where a skeptic might see denial. the believer is apt to experience a deeply felt faith which, I believe, should be respected as such. I have no interest in trying to undermine anyone's faith no mater how much it may deviate from mine.As for my own personal experience...here's a little about some of my family:
But there are other people, like myself, who have found it impossible to continue an involvement with a restrictive group or church which had previously seemed the epitome of spiritual truth. Some seemingly walk away with never a backwards glance. Others seem to be forever marked by the devastating collapse of a set of beliefs that once seemed to embody absolute truth. They acutely feel the loss of a faith that they may never completely regain.
One of the most effective ways of dealing with a difficult loss is to share the experience with others who have gone through something similar. But people who leave a restrictive religious group are likely to be very isolated. Family members and friends still involved with the group are not likely to be supportive, and ex-members often have no social contacts outside the group. Even if new friends are made, people with no comparable experience generally have little understanding of the difficulties faced by someone who has left a restrictive group and the degree to which group membership continues to have an impact long past the time of leaving. Even professional helpers, like psychotherapists and clergy, may not grasp the significance of group membership and the process of leaving. It can be a very lonely experience.
But the internet now makes it possible to connect with people all over the world who share a similar experience. -Jim Moyers, MA, MFT
From what I have been through, I feel that the best way to handle your situation with your Mom is to make a decision to love her. Even though you no longer love her religion. Be patient (I know six years is a long time!) Friends and family who are still "in" seem to take it personally when you "leave the truth." It's like you have left them. Make sure your Mom knows that you love her unconditionally. Be firm but polite in your resolve. Tell her thank you for caring so much about you, but you no longer think or feel the same way you used to. If you wish one day to have an open and frank discussion (and you think she is ready to handle some of the things you will say) then do so. But, not until she is secure in the fact that no matter what you will be there for her. (reverse psychology) Many "frank and open" discussions have destroyed relationships so tread carefully. If you still believe in God tell her so, this will put her mind at ease a little. (that way she won't think you are a devil-worshipping apostate...not that there's anything wrong with that) If you no longer believe in God...then establish some other common ground. (Witness 101)
Until the time when you and your Mom will think exactly a like (heh) you both will have to do some sacrificing for the sake of your love and your relationship. She will have to put up with her thought of "you not making it into the new system" and you will have to put up with her continual "encouragement."
It is truly sad that the Witnesses have this effect on families. Especially since they base their entire "proof" they are "God's people" on LOVE. True love is not based on what particular religion a person holds to or doesn't. True LOVE has no condition it just is.
I wish you the best in your journey to find inner peace. What has helped me after leaving the JWs has been knowing that after all the loss I will always have one thing: the freedom to think and be who I am.
There are many, many stories on this board and on the net about this subject.
Here's a start:
My mother used to plead with me to "just try!" going back to the meetings, once she found out the things that happened to me that made me call it "quits".
We would talk on the phone weekly, and inevitably, the conversation would turn into a what-you-are-missing-by-not-going-to-meetings conversation, yet again. At one point, she decided to twist the blade so to speak and turned the conversation into a you-are-depriving-your-children/my-grandchildren-of-The-Truth™ conversation.
I had managed to evolve sufficiently past her ability to induce guilt when she started nattering like that, but bringing my kids into the equation was where I drew the line. I told her: "I love you and dad very much. That is never going to change. I believe you did the best you knew how when you raised me and my brothers. But I cannot, in good conscience, support the WTS in any way, shape, or form by attending meetings or making my children do the same. Please do not offend my conscience again by bringing the subject up. If I ever go back, it will be because I want to go back, not because you've pleaded with me. At this point in my life, I do not want anything to do with the Organization."
Wonder of wonders. It worked! We didn't speak for a year and a half after that (her choice) but now we seem to have an "understanding" that they want to spend time with their grandchildren and respecting my wishes allows them to do that.
The only sad thing is -if your Mum is a devote JW- I think she will cut you off . So many in this group have been dumped by parents- wives- hubbys- kids- So why not just keep on a friendly basis as long as poss- just dont attend- Tell Mum - I love you- & I think God loves me- so I will keep it in Prayer Mum who knows what will happen.
have you ever considered moving out and live all on your own and live your life whatever that is..maybe 100 miles away--50 is okay..just a thought / my daughter LISA and I share simular spirtual beliefs and when we get on each others nerves we go to our own rooms and slam the respective doors with A I WANT TO BE ALONE or buzzzzz off babe minus the PLEASE of course--but then that is just the way do things around here :):) and we then get the message we are friggin serious !!!!
I see so much of the Patience, Time & Love will prevail here. It works on some but not all.
Remember, most JW's have sat through years of this conditioning (propaganda). They have dis-engaged their brains and gone on 'auto-pilot'. When you disagree (even by saying nothing), it registers as an OBJECTION!!!!!!!!!
Bingo, up pops the old studies on OVERCOMING OBJECTIONS.
You just got demoted from RELATIVE to
Time to go to work & put those Service Meeting talks to good use! @#%^&*
If Angst gets to where I am/have been/am coming from, he (and I) will wish/are begging for one of Mouthy's type of relatives who will cut you off!!!
PLEASE!!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!! Some of us mean it.
who just got word his Old Man is redoubling his campaign efforts
You gotta be kidding me... I was there 5 years, we got my roomate to buy the beer for us!
Never had a bit of trouble......
JW mothers are like mastif bitches, once they get their jaws set, there just aint no relaxin. I've tried every strategy under the sun to get my mother to give up on trying to bring me, my wife and/or my kids to the KH. She died a decade ago still refusing to acknowledge that her youngest could have a brain of his own and chose a different religious path. I'm sure she thought she would earn big rewards for her efforts. I think my dad gave up years before and accepted that I would never be a JUU again.