Fading ... Do You Owe Witness Friends An Explanation? (page 3)

Dagney

So the punishing begins. It's all about punishing with JW's...quite like the god they worship.

You have the plague now, and it's highly contagious...so they must warn others to stay away.

There may be a few friends who sincerely want to know and help if they can. But they will be required to punish you and the relationship will fade.

I think your response was honest and good. But JW's are not about honesty...it's about appearance of attendance and numbers on a monthly slip...no matter how good of a person you are.

We understand the social cost is quite dear...and the only solution is to get out there and start living. Do things of interest you have always wanted to do. Take chances, take trips...live fully. It's not easy at first, I still struggle with it "being okay now." Eventually, it will have a fantastic antiJW effect, and the former friends will be secretly envious as the years tick on and they hang on to the false hope of a pet tiger.

Edited to add: No, you don't owe anybody an explanation. You can prepare several answers depending on who is asking. I told everybody I was on sabbatical. Maybe one or two I added something a bit more, like "I've taken it to Jah in prayer." You just cannot be honest about anything if you are not in good standing at the hall....it can and will be used against you, and you will be talked about. You can say the same thing if you are a seat warmer, and it will be just fine. Good luck.

sir82

No one had called us in disbelief, to hear firsthand what the story is

This does not surprise me.

In my experience, JWs prefer to talk about you instead of to you.

Giordano

At this point in time it's best to keep your thoughts to yourself. A quite fade will do. Making new friends. You have one advantage........ you like to entertain. My wife and I left in the early 1960's we faded but basically no one attempted to stay friends....we knew that would happen. We spent the first couple of years meeting with a few ex JWs who felt the same way as we did. Funny thinking back before and after we left we never talked about the WT or pioneering or doctrines with the people who stayed friends. We were birds of a feather. Eventually when we both became artists we had more regular contact with other artists that grew into a community of artists. We were on the road a lot so we knew people all over the USA who did the same art shows we did. Some of those relationships have lasted for over 40 years. But in all honesty we didn't know our neighbors other then the ones that lived next door to us. When we retired from the circuit of shows we moved to a small town of 7,000 (with two universities) we threw ourselves a welcome to the neighborhood party. About 35 people showed up and 10 years later we have built real relationships with a number of them and through them made new friends. Too many at times to keep up with the very special ones. My wife and I both volunteered and because you meet regularly with one another and have a common interest....... relationships form organically effortlessly. So as you go on this journey entertain some folks, throw a party or a block party with a couple of neighbors. Moms clubs are a great way to meet people. Volunteer. Develop a hobby that calls for others to join together. With more time to spend you can now afford to invite work mates out to dinner or lunch.

flipper

WHAT NOW ? - I'm sorry your friends, or people who you THOUGHT were your friends are treating you this way. No, you do NOT owe them an explanation as they are already gossipping behind your back about you and your husband. If anything - they owe you and your husband an apology for gossiping about you. Essentially your friends have " tossed YOU to the side of the road like garbage " not the other way around so don't feel ANY guilt about being truthful or upfront with them. They are at fault here- not you or your husband.

Your statement " I would have expected a real friend to fight harder than that ". And therein my friend - lies the answer to your question- these people never were REALLY your true, unconditional friends. Our friendships when we were JW's were ALL conditional based on how well we perform WT Society functions, i.e. commenting at meetings, going out in service, turning our time in at the end of the month, giving talks in the ministry school, attending mind numbing meetings. None of these WT functions requires us to be kind or be of good character or loving or be a quality individual - it just requires us to PERFORM WT functions is all. Has no bearing on whether a person shows love, peace, joy, kindness, etc. You get my point.

A quality friend will be here for you through thick and thin . And that is what I offer to you and your husband right now. My wife and I are here for you as unconditional friends if you ever need to chat, O.K. ? We and others will be here as a support to you so feel free to vent anytime. We're listening. Been there, done this. Hang in there my friend, things will get better in time, you'll make more quality friends outside this organization

LongHairGal

Sir82:

You are correct about JWs being more willing to talk about you than to you.

Years ago a clique of people (who never bothered with me and knew nothing of my business) circulated a falsehood about me and some guy in the hall (he told me and I was able to set him straight). People see you talking to somebody and they make ASSumptions. Even though no harm was done, it was the principle of the thing and a case in point of how JWs have the potential to cause a lot of damage with gossip.

It would have been far easier if they just flat out asked me a question and I would have been perfectly honest and said No.

This phoney brotherhood is one reason why I have no use for the religion.

Bella15

"Witness Friends"????

problemaddict

You don't owe explanations.

But lets be real. These people were local aquaintances from your congregation. Not really friends. All areas are different. Its been 9 months since I ahve been to a meeting, and quite frnakly I think it is just barely hitting the airwaves. My close friends have known since day 1, and are still my friends, even though there is a certain don't ask don't tell policy. :)

So I would let them think whatever they want. if they aren't your friends, who cares. The people that you love, and that love you are worth fighting for. The poeple that gossip about you and want you to "just be honest" about not attending meetings anymore, are already looking for an excuse to turn you out. Don't give it to them.

dozy

Interesting question & dilemna.

When I started to fade , I thought it was only polite and considerate to speak to a few close friends to let them know ( without too much detail ) why I was stopping attending meetings. It quickly became apparent that this wasn't a good idea - one "friend" got very angry and walked out , another elder who I had known for years & assured me that any conversation would be totally confidential & kept between him & me told his wife that night who promptly blabbed to half the congregation within a few days.

So - sadly the answer is - you don't. Say nothing ( other than the vaguest "working through a few issues" comments ) and move on. Your "friends" will drop you like a hot potato anyway - you are "worldly" now & a bad associate. No explanation required - certainly none appreciated.

Captain Obvious

Don't waste your time, I'd say. It hurts to find out how many 'real' friends you had, but be very very thankful that you both came out of the cult together.

That alone is something many of us on here would gladly trade our JW 'friends' for any day.

Fading ... Do You Owe Witness Friends An Explanation?

slimboyfat