Fading ... Do You Owe Witness Friends An Explanation?

by What Now? 33 Replies latest watchtower beliefs

• 

  What Now?

  I'm curious about what you all think on this subject.

  When my husband and I became irregular about a year ago, and then inactive around 5 months ago, I felt that it would be hypocritical to take advantage of the social side of the witness community if we weren`t going to meetings or in service. We stopped entertaining (which we did quite regularly - theme parties, card parties, movie nights, big turkey dinners, breakfasts on holidays etc), and I slowly stopped accepting invitations for get togethers, playdates etc.

  It was very difficult and we still feel very lonely. But I wasn't quite sure what else to do.

  If someone asked me to come over for dinner, should I have said "well, we're inactive right now, is that still ok with you?". Should I send a letter or email or text to everyone, advising them of our situation?

  I thought simply fading out would be the easiest, less awkward solution for everyone.

  But then I think about how I would feel if the situation were reversed ... if someone that I thought was a close friend stopped calling, emailing, inviting without any sort of explanation. Wouldn't you feel a bit like you had been tossed to the side of the road like garbage?

  Here's what happened when I decided to be truthful with someone:

  Via text, a friend confronted me about what exactly was going on. She had kind of painted me into a corner, where excuses like "we're busy" didn't cut it anymore. I was truthful as could be, I confirmed that we were in fact inactive, that it was due to a number of reasons, but mostly that we were unhappy and stressed. I told her that we had never truly felt like we belonged and that we had gotten kind of burned out chasing people's friendships.

  Her reply was basically that telling people the truth would be less hurtful to everyone, that stringing people along wouldn`t be fair, but that all actions have consequences and most people would likely not hang around us anymore. She spouted some crap about how we serve Jehovah out of loyalty to him, not for friendships with other people. She said that she still thinks that I am a generous, kind person and a great mom, and that the door is always open, 6 months, 5 years from now.

  After that conversation, she immediately unfriended me on Instagram and Facebook. She has since repeated the gist of our conversation to other people in our old hall at a girls night out, and we have heard from other friends that THOSE people (including an elders wife) are spreading this rumor that we are disassociating ourselves. Our anniversary came and went, no well wishes, nothing. No one had called us in disbelief, to hear firsthand what the story is, or to see if we need any help.

  So ... that`s what happened when I told someone the truth.

  What has been your experience, and do you think that you owe an explanation to people?
• 

  Jeffro

  What Now?:

  If someone asked me to come over for dinner, should I have said "well, we're inactive right now, is that still ok with you?".

  No. If you like the individual(s), go to dinner. If it's just someone from the congregation who doesn't really give a damn about you personally but wants to 'encourage' someone to 'go back to meetings', tell them you've got other plans.

  Should I send a letter or email or text to everyone, advising them of our situation?

  Only if you're the kind of person who generally sends letters/emails. There's no need for a 'special' announcement, and such an action to a large number of people will most likely result in almost instant shunning, even without 'official' 'judicial' action. When JWs probe about your situation, try to avoid JW jargon like 'inactive' or other jargon like 'fading'. Keep conversations informal. If they question you about doctrinal views, be honest (which may mean saying nothing, or politely changing the subject), but don't feel compelled to go into any detail, especially if you haven't fully researched things yet and are still forming your views.

  The JW mindset is that their religion is 'special' and 'different' to other groups. In reality, you're just not attending religious services anymore (don't use the words 'religious services' with them though).
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  adamah

  Well, congratulations for summing the moral courage of your convictions to take a stand against the WT!

  As you say, fading is emotionally-strenuous, and takes as much of a toll which is no more painful than that inflicted by being all-in. At least those who stay in have the ability to use whatever denial and rationalizations they may use to soothe themselves, but a fader who knows TTATT really has no shelter, and that takes a toll.

  As far as the outcome:

  She said that she still thinks that I am a generous, kind person and a great mom, and that the door is always open, 6 months, 5 years from now. After that conversation, she immediately unfriended me on Instagram and Facebook.

  As you found out, JWs aren't "real" friends (i.e. people who value YOU for what YOU are), but like some stranger who's a bore that you're forced to sit next to on a plane trip, but then becomes a stranger afterwards. There are no deep or true friendships possible amongst JWs, since there'd have to be a mass defection: that's not going to happen, and in the end leaving the WT is just as much as "it's every man for themselves" act which is part-and-parcel of being a JW.

  JWs are essentially repressed emotionless zombies, for the most part, analogous to the walking dead (except their clothing is nicely-pressed). And they want to live in an ETERNITY in a gossipy-driven state like religious Stepford Wives?!

  You've left with your dignity, integrity, and conscience intact, and that's something that cannot be said by those who continue to cave into the social pressure of giving into the base clique-like herd mentality, the worst side of human nature.

  Adamah
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  finally awake

  I was never able to develop lasting, close friendships in the hall during the 13 years I attended. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I work at a professional type job and my husband is a stay at home dad. I had little in common with most of the sisters and wasn't nearly subservient enough for the menfolk. I was basically inactive after the birth of our 3rd child in 2007, even though I still attended meetings pretty regularly. But we only ever got invited to stuff that the whole congregation was invited to - no playdates for the kids, no dinner invites, and only in absolute emergencies could we get anyone to babysit. When we quit attending meetings, it was very abrupt. I only received a couple of calls, which I did not answer or return, and I've only rarely encountered any dubs in public. I didn't feel obligated to explain myself because I knew that it wouldn't make any difference.
• 

  blondie

  NO pearls before swine...so if they never were a true friend, I wouldn't and don't.

  I have seen few faders retain their close friendships unless that person has already in their heart value you more than an organization. i have found many jws just interested in something new for the gossip mill. Most see you as a danger and make the sign of the tetragrammaton.

  Only you know them best.
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  Comatose

  I don't tell people why. I think it's better that way. First off we've learned no one will ever listen to you about TTATT. So telling them just hurts them and could make us seem like evil apostates. We have family we don't want to lose. I don't think I owe them a reason and I don't give it.
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  Muddy Waters

  Yes, if they weren't under CULT MIND CONTROL I could see maybe giving an explanantion. But even at that, people get busy, drift away. They do other things, then drift together again, and away they go again. Like ebbs and flows of the sea. People flow around you and occasionally touch you... Some stay and you lap their gentle vibes of friendship and return waves and ripples of friendship and goodwill to them.
  
  And others are a surging storm you can't wait to run away from and some people are like pools which draw you in... there are calm waters and deep waters and shallow waters... and there are glazed-over frosted icicles that threaten to break if you should breathe on them....

  Haha. Howz that for "illustration". ! :)
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  Comatose

  That was very poetic. Nice!
• 

  ruderedhead

  You don't owe anyone anything. You gave a truthful explanation to someone who cornered you, and now they are talking about you, and the story is changing as they tell it. Elders wives can be wonderful, or they can be the biggest gossips. I would suggest you text this friend, and others you have heard are talking about you, and tell them, briefly, what you have heard they are saying. Tell them to stop gossiping about you & your family, as it is unscriptural. Do it w/o malice, just matter of fact.

  You will find a new social network, it will just take time. All the best to you.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  If someone asked me to come over for dinner, should I have said "well, we're inactive right now, is that still ok with you?". Should I send a letter or email or text to everyone, advising them of our situation?

  I thought simply fading out would be the easiest, less awkward solution for everyone.

  As stated, simply go if you want to go. But in my opinion, fading does include being less active in the social community of JW's as well as the Kingdom Hall. It's part of how the elders determine whether to go after you or not- how much you interact with other JW's, and how much negative talk you engage in. So whether or not you go, don't offer "inactive" explanations. Just go or don't go.

  Her reply was basically that telling people the truth would be less hurtful to everyone, that stringing people along wouldn`t be fair, but that all actions have consequences and most people would likely not hang around us anymore.

  JW's will typically always put pressure on the inactive ones. No matter what, things are due to YOUR actions if you believe them. Don't bother with such people and their thoughts. I would only have discussions about it with very close friends.

  Remember that fading usually means losing friends. If you want to try to keep good friends, make sure it is the good friends only that you talk to. I lost my JW friends when I faded, and besides my best friend, I said "Good riddance." Even with him, I understand he isn't ready for the truth about the truth, so letting go was best. I have made new friends mostly of ex-JW's. Fading seems more complete when I don't try to make excuses over and over again but just stay away from people who would ask.

  Your friend telling others a version of what you said is a prime example of why you don't bother with these people. If confronted by elders, remember that what they are saying is just a rumor and tell the elders you are fine, that they misunderstood, but you will be careful about what you say, then avoid them.