The happiest people on earth... Yeah right

by Bells 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  scary21

  I remember your post from before. You knew they would not toast at weddings. I know it's stupid ,but was a toast so important to you that you let it get you to the point of damaging your relations with your husband and his family. I married a Catholc, and had a small wedding, but being I was raised a JW It never entered my mind to have a toast.

  Chill out ! Don't sweat the small stuff.......Pick your battles. You don't have to live with his family ( thank God ) So just be nice and keep away from them as much as possible.

  I would not like it if my husband made me choose between him and my sister all the time. He never has because he knows I love her. Don't play that game whatever you do.

  They came to your wedding so that's good. They were probably not very warm to you because to them you were living in sin ( if you were living together ) Maybe now that your married it will be better. Give it a chance.

  I think about the toast thing..... Clinking glasses at a BQ might be different then at a wedding ( to them ) and their crazy rules. They will not throw rice at a wedding either... But would throw it for ?? a joke or something

  JW's aways have to talk about how bad the world is getting. That is their thing. It keeps them thinking the new world is coming soon. They NEED to think that. So when they say that to you, just tell them that crime rates are going down. Do the research.... THEY ARE....lol......that will shut them up fast because they can't handle the truth.......That goes for any subject earth quakes ect. Do the rsearch...

  My best advice is just laugh, they say and do funny things........you can scream or laugh....I say laugh.....I'm laughing right now thinking of them all sitting at the table making a fool of their selves by not toasting.......they must have looked stupid......but You made them look that way...if you knew what would happen....not so nice of you right?

  I had a good childhood growing up a JW. Yes I missed out on things, but if you never had them you don't know. My mom was the best. So if he says it was good, believe him. Please be happy. Don't let this darken your marriage. If you are in good health that is the main thing.......HUGS

  Sherry.............
• 

  *lost*

  Hey Bells

  Chin up. Scary 21 has it covered.

  I can relate to a lot of what your saying. I married non-jw, but had problems with M-(hag)-in-law, I was cut from good enough cloth for them, lol.

  Caused us heaps of probs all the way through. I fianlly managed to break away..... but cos we have kids, it's not so easy.

  (still battling the demons, lol)

  You got to keep it in your head that you are normal, and so much better than them, don't let them drag you down.

  Be strong, be assertive, and start as you mean to go on. Nip this in the bud from the get go.

  Some men are very deep, and they bottle things up. You got to force them to deal with 'it'.

  if they can't - either too weak, or too lazy, then best to let them go, they only drag you down with them.
• 

  Bells

  Hey and thanks everyone

  Scary21 With the whole toast thing, the reason I was upset is because I did not know that they wouldn't toast - neither did my husband. We'd actually spoken about it together before hand and he said he didn't think it wouldn't be an issue. We have'cheersed' on many occacasions with them - so this was the first time we'd actually seen them actually sit out of the toast. Their behaviour at the wedding was inconsistent to what we'd previously seen - and this is the reason for the upset. (I wouldn't be upset if they wouldn't throw rice for example - because they never have... But they always toast - so why not for the wedding?)

  Anyway I know I have to try and get over it, but it's been a long time of me and my feelings being pushed aside and I am just pretty much over it. Of course I don't want my husband to have to 'choose' between his family and I (!!!) but I don't think I should have to put up with them treating me like crap either.

  Is that so unreasonable???
• 

  Phizzy

  I believe a husband has already chosen between his wife and his family when he marries his love. His loyalty then is, or should be, first to his wife.

  Even when I was aJW I lived that way, I protected my wife from my over-bearing Uber-JW family, they had no right to interfere in how we conducted our lives.

  I wish you all the best for the future, and think it is good advice for your husband to extricate himself from the business, to stand on his own two feet, and be his own man, I do not mean that he is a wimp or anything, but being independent will mean that he is more free to express his true feelings and opinions to his family.

  He should be putting you way before the family, tell him I said so, that'll impress him !
• 

  nugget

  Don't let jws and their crazy rules spoil your married life. They are prejudiced against anyone who does not share their beliefs. This is unsurprising since all their magazines reinforce the idea that people outside the faith are not important, are selfish, do not have morals and do not need to be considered.

  Jw relatives count for more than non jw ones that is the fact. They will never see things from your point of view since you do not count.

  It is good that your husband finds their behaviour offensive and he is starting to question his upbringing. For now celebrate your victories, this is a huge one. You have gained more from this episode than you have lost.
• 

  joe134cd

  Well I guess you married him so now live with it. You are fortunate that your in-laws turned up to the wedding at all. I had a witness relative that was marrying a Bible student, and when the elders put the pressure on, all the relatives boycotted the event at the last minute. Honestly I would hate to think what the Bible student relatives would of thought with all these empty seats since they were the ones footing the bill for it. To be honest I was ashamed of my relatives. Not just for the fact that they didnt turn up, but that it wasnt until a few weeks before the wedding that they all pulled out. My relatives farther who is an elder was threatened that if he went he would be removed as an elder. My cousin ended up doing a photo shop on her wedding photos and pasting the farther into them.
• 

  PaintedToeNail

  Bells-Would it help you to know the WTBTS recently (within the last few years) had an article in on of their magazines devoted exclusively to toasting?

  You may have toasted with them before they read the article. Now that they have the edict against toasting, they couldn't in clear conscience toast your wedding. They are under the control of another mind, not their own.

  You can sit and recount every slight you feel you have received from them, or you can forgive them and move on. Scary21 has some very wise words. Don't let your feelings for them disrupt your relationship with your husband. You could view them as pitiable, controlled and unhappy, and be glad you and your husband are free to live the life you want, without being ordered about by the WTBTS.
• 

  Sobeit

  Bells you have a PM
• 

  troubled mind

  About the toasting thing ,I agree they may have had a recent article that pricked their conscience BUT more than likely it was a matter of being in front of other onlookers . Witnesses are commonly hypocritical in my experience . In private around family they will do and say things they would never do in front of others . Clinking glasses with family definitely sounds like something they would do ,but in front of others the whole thing falls under the catagory of 'possibly stumbling others' . So please don't take it as a personal slight of you and your husband ,but rather just another of their Witness quirky weird beliefs . They can not honestly think for themselves the pressure from others always influences their actions .

  Sadly as for the negative attitude of his Mother ....yes again very typical JW response . They always must keep the doom and gloom before them as a reminder the end is soooo close . I always try to turn the conversation back to a more postive spin whenever my Mother in law does this to me (it really confuses her )

  I am sorry they make you feel like second class citizens .....again in my experience very common behavior . To them it is a world of them against us mentality . They do feel like 'special' people chosen by God and everyone else is Satans little helpers .

  His familly needs to be kindly reminded often that you deserve respect as much as they do . Spell it our clearly now before any more time comes goes by how and what YOU expect from them . Tell them it hurt you at the wedding about the toast and WHY ....explain they led you on that toasting was not a big deal to them ,and make them explain themselves on their hypocritical behavior ......If these slights are not brought to their attention they are going to continuse on treating the both of you as second rate .Explain to them how and what you have done in the past to respect their beliefs ,and then tell them it is time for them to do the same for you . Some people have to have it spelled out to them ! It can be done in a calm adult manner just imagine you are explaining Earth customs to an alien

  I am sure they love you and their son ,and they really don't want to cause you hurt and pain . They really have just been allowed to get away with bad behavoir for so long they no longer realize it is unacceptable to other people . Other witnesses just take it for granted that they can behave like this .....they need to be aware how uncomely it is to you in order for them to change . Use tact ,but stand up for yourselves .

  On a whole other issue your husband really needs to take the blinders off . Suggest that he join the forum .
• 

  wasblind

  no matter what I do, I can't bring myself out of this sadness and anger. I should be relieved and happy that my husband is finally awake and starting to deal with this stuff, and I am - but I just can't feel happy, it's just anger at him for letting it get to here, anger at them for being the reason we are here and plain sadness.____Bells

  Think of it this way Bells

  A fresh start has to begin somewhere, and it may have come

  in the form of an informal toast

  .