So very confused and scared!

by MissConfused 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • MissConfused

    Hello All,

    I am so nervous and waited for long to speak to someone on my faiths and beliefs! I am from a non-Christian Background, a Hindu. I got to know 'The Truth' (Or Myth) from my Hubby while we were working. Six months into study, was so 'filled' with Holy Spirit, i asked the elder that i am ready to be taken as un-baptized publisher. To my surprise he dis-agreed! He wanted me more regular to field service. I strayed from my Mom and brother even when we used to live together for 2.5 years as i was so strong in my beliefs! This caused a lot of fights and tensions at home and my mom (being from a religious Indian family) wasn’t getting any alliance to get me married (as they ALWAYS believed in arranged marriages).

    Finally my mom gave up her wishes over mine, got me married with JW in a way that was approved by Elders. She had no say, absolutely anything!! <which i felt very disappointed about then, as she brought us up single handedly when i lost my Dad at a young age>.

    During Engagement party, there was another family member, who by chance had got a beetle leaf and arecanut (which is considered pagan custom, and none of us were aware then) on the gift basket that I was given. Elders were notified when my study conductor saw my photo along with these and just 1 day before the wedding they had a meeting, already discussed among themselves to Dis-fellowship all of us. We were all disheartened, crying and begging, pleading mercy as it was pure ignorance on our part and someone else had done it. But it all fell into deaf ears. After 6 hours of pleading, the committee decided to save us but we need to ask sorry to all witnesses who have seen the photo.

    This experience was the first one to make me and my hubby start having doubts about the so called ‘faithful and discreet slave’ class. I tried hard to be one among these people, taking up pioneering, answering regularly, and regular to the meeting but somewhere I feel I am being hypocrite. I guess the main reason is I don’t want to lose my good friends and in-laws who are active in the truth (at least I think so). More I ‘act’ more I am having doubts about this organization. Although Jesus said, that he has come to cause division in families, he never dishonored Jehovah, his family, his father, then why did I had to go through the bitter phase towards my loving mom and brother? Have shunned all the 'Wordly' practices. Told my baby Birthdays are not done by good people (she doesnt have a clue whys that.. she is just 2.5 years :(( )

    Why is this love shown by them (org) is conditional? They don’t portray this while doing door to door. Just going through this bad phase of confusion.

    BTW even after directly asking people all these questions, we don’t know the answer (with in the organization!!!)…

  • Londo111

    Welcome to JWN!

    This Organization has caused allot of pain, allot of family division--not in the way Christ meant it would.

    Please reading Combatting Cult Mind Control, Crisis of Conscience, and In Search of Christian Freedom. I believe these books should answer all your questions.

  • FadeToBlack

    Run away. Quickly, while there is still time. Lots of people want to help others. This is not the way.

  • Newly Enlightened
    Newly Enlightened

    Welcome to JWN! Glad to have you here with us.

  • MissConfused

    But what about the people i will loose?

    They speak so badly about the people who leave organisation, worst than what al-queda has done! They treat us like people with diseased minds. All this negetivity... I believe in Jehovah & Jesus. Not his earthly organization and their stupid beliefs (No 'Cheers', No Birthdays, No-blood, No mingling/partying with non-believers, hours in field service (why do they do it? did Jesus or Disciples do it?) and what not..).

    Truth NEVER set me free, but went on making life more and more complex than before i was a JW. Has anyone felt this way?

  • mindnumbed

    MissConfused, welcome, I am so sorry that you are feeling confused and scared.

    It is true, they do speak badly about the people who leave, but why are you worried about how they define you if you leave? You will lose people who are friends with you because you are a JW, you will have the opportunity to make many more friends who like you for who you are, not what religion you belong to.

  • Londo111


    Many of us are experiencing that very thing. I lost my best friend who was like a brother to me. It hurts every day. I try to use that pain like an oyster used a grain of sand to make a pearl.

    You come from a Hindu background. Most Hindus I know believe in One God who is Love, and they believe in Jesus. They are very kind people and a joy to work with. They are much closer to Christianity than any JW I know. Heal the breach with your non-JW family while there is still time.

  • Sammy Jenkis
    Sammy Jenkis

    " Elders were notified when my study conductor saw my photo along with these and just 1 day before the wedding they had a meeting, already discussed among themselves to Dis-fellowship all of us."

    Yeah that sounds like a typical group of elders hard at work on punishing and slow to see what's really going on. I'm sorry you're having a hard time but I can share that you will feel better when you're far away. That feeling of being a hyrpocrite, you aren't the only one- you and I felt this way as we knew our heart was not 100% behind the organization.

    It's hard to preach love and forgiveness when your religion doesn't practice it. Makes me think a lot about what Jesus said at Mat 15:1-9, funny how the WT's human made traditions are valid in God's eyes when Jesus himself condemned the Pharisees for doing exactly the same thing.

    Make the change your mind demands and leave this place in your rearview. All the best,

  • MissConfused

    Thanks Sammy / All.

    Good to know that i am not alien . It was mental torture keeping these things inside me. Always a feeling of guilt that i murdered someone!!! The people as such are not bad at all... Its the org. structure & their modified principles that suck and dont give an option of so called - Freewill!

  • Reopened Mind
    Reopened Mind


    You are discovering that the "truth" taught by the Watchtower is not the truth at all but a cleverly packaged bundle of lies. Their "truth" makes you a slave of the organization, it has nothing to do with freedom. Freedom of mind comes from exploring different ways of thinking and getting a well-rounded education. There is no free will as a Jehovah's Witness, only following the will of the vacillating governing body.

    You are right. Love from the Witnesses is absolutely conditional. As soon as they get a whiff that you are having doubts they will kick you to the curb. I hope you have kept a relationship with your family and have made friends with non JWs, those who will not judge you on what you believe or don't believe. Keep posting and reading here. There are a few converts like myself who were recruited, but unlike you I was in for 38 years and raised a family in the organization before waking up.

    If you haven't already please check out

    Best wishes to you and welcome to the forum.

    Reopened Mind

Share this