Newly wed UBM and soon to meet JW in-laws

by UBM101 44 Replies latest jw experiences

  • jgnat

    I really like bell's and carla's contributions. Your new husband is at risk of being sucked back in as long as he hasn't thought deeply on this sort of stuff.

    Bargains will be broken. What is more lasting is some heart-to-heart discussions.

  • DesirousOfChange

    NUGGET: The problem you have is if your husband has doubts but still believes he may be sucked back in. JWs are very effective at applying guilt and pressure to get ex believers back in line and unless someone is mentally free they are still influenced by all this. . . . . Talk to your husband about what was said get him to think about things that he has accepted. Not as a challenge but as someone who would like to know the answer. Getting him to look into things and explain will help him understand why he has doubts and clarify his own concerns.

    Yes, I think you should be more concerned about your hubby than your in-laws. I think it unwise to be completely forward with him and risk appearing that you are attacking or challenging his former religion that he still believes in (at least in a limited way). You best make sure that he is convinced that the WTS has no special voodoo connection with God before you worry about the family. Make sure he knows and accepts TTATT.


  • Newly Enlightened
    Newly Enlightened

    WELCOME UBM, nice to have you here with us. They will do everything they have been trained to do, to guilt you into doing what they want you to. Everyone should go to the Kingdom Hall at least once, just to see the cult mind-control process. Just don't fall for it!

    Wish you the best.

  • UBM101

    Hubby knows my stand about the cult. He has a cousin whose husband is working on telling TTAT to him as well. Probably what I need to verify from him now is how he would like me to response to all these later when I meet his family.

  • jgnat

    Great. He know where you stand. Do you know how he feels about all this? You're not just building a marriage manual here.

  • pecan333

    HI there,

    As you do not mention your ages, I am going to presume you are in your 20's.

    There are those that can, indeed, get out of this cult and begin life anew, but I must warn you. I was married to an ex PO and he was in for 39 yrs. Too late!! in my opinion.

    ALthough he doesnt believe in the doctrine, he did at one time and I believe he still has an undercurrent of fear about their destruction in Armaggedon BS. He once used to admit it, but there is a lot of animosity in our "relationship". Lots of things have happened that he lied about.

    THe thing I want to impress upon you is this...even though he is an DA'd JW, he is still very much a know-it-all, pushy, insensitive lout. He consistenly puts women down in covert, subversive ways that you can't quite put an exact word to. He is a pathological liar and a serial adulterer. He constantly has his way, no matter what it costs, and he clearly believes he is better than others. I find myself disgusted by him due to his unhealthy influence on our children. I don't want my daughter growing up believeing she is a second class citizen and that her father does no wrong, just because he covers his tracks so well. I have had to accept responsibility for allowing him into my life, and hurting my children's chances at a normal life in the process. BElieve me, I have anguished over this badly, but depending on his family and him, you must know what you are getting into. If i had had the TRUTH and not some BS cover stories over and over again, I WOULD NEVER have stayed or married him. He actually knew this and actually admitted to me that he didn't tell me the truth about the JW's in order to keep me around. What a liar and user to do this to someone! I can never trust him to tell the truth and I feel I am payign for the remainder of my life, because he doesn't admit to doing ANYTHING wrong and is operating on autopilot with his disgusting ideas and socialization he had. ITs really awful and I truly woudl never suggest to ppl to think that in some way, you are still dealing with a JW, even if they are scared to face their families with the truth due to fear of shunning or other BS.

  • jgnat

    So, pecan, is divorce out of the question? It would be a shame if you keep paying over and over for a very common mistake (marrying the wrong man).

  • UBM101

    Do you know how he feels about all this?

    Well, he gets touchy when his comfort zone border is crossed (when he felt like I am making him to somehow participate in birthday, christmas and other celebrations among other things). He knew about my stand looong before we got married and he still persisted on us getting married, said except for things like Christmas, birthday etc, the rest are small matters. Either he is lying to himself or me, I think he is quite okay with our differences. He is in the process of pursuing his higher education too despite discouragement from parents, saying that he wants a good life for the family, and wants the same (good education) for the kids (if we have any). So, that's a bit of background info.

    Pecan, I am sorry to hear that.

  • NeverKnew

    Ah, welcome to my world, UBM101!!!! In our sisterhood...

    If you're in love with him? I'll totally support your decision.

    If you are angry with him? I'll totally support your feelings.

    If you divorce him for irreconcilable differences? I'll totally support your decision.

    If you decide to go homicidal... I'll uh... pm you for your phone number after I buy my prepaid using cash and a fake name... okay? *ahem*

    Being a non-jw, you know what a "normal" family looks like. We love each other, we disagree, we fuss, then we meet again for the next holiday! In this JW world, problems are whispered, disagreements are contained, but the fractures are deep. The warmth... you'll want it to feel sincere but please do not get your wants mixed up with reality.

    There seems to be a political hierarchal order that you have to mind so be an observer until you figure out who is who. Know that there are some that he may be intimidated by... If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I'd have called it a lie but look for "adjustments" in his personality when he talks with the other men. You'll know who he is required to honor for some will be given more reverence than others. OH, and the language... there may be a language change. I don't want to turn stomachs, but I know my bf is entering another personality zone when I hear the word "appreciate" a little too much. If your husband doesn't sound like he typically does with you, he may be entering a different personality. It's not comfortable... suck it up - it'll pass. JGnat has years of experience with calmly pulling her husband back into a natural state. It may be necessary... may not be. I guess it depends on where his head is.

    On discussions with respect to religion, I define myself to them as denominationally unaffiliated. My intentions were to remove the liability of a defined faith. The unintended result was that I have become a religious Switzerland. If I had any recommendation for you in this regard? I'd say claim faith but not a denomination and bail from the conversation. They train every week for these discussions - you don't.

    I don't know how many churches you have been to, but I'm sure the focus was on God - not on faith-bashing other denominations. UBM, at their services?... they are told that ALL other Christian denominations are led by Satan and that the adherents are not true Christians - EVERY SINGLE SERVICE. As an outsider and observer, I'd say more than 75% of their time at the service is spent discussing everyone else's wrongness and the rightness of the adherents of the WTS. They will smile nicely if you speak of your faith but you will see the glazed smile. They are not listening.

    Okay, gotta get some sleep, but a sincere welcome to THIS family and congratulations!

    We await the findings. :)

  • jgnat

    Questions to ask:

    • I will never convert to the Jehovah's Witnesses; there's too many things wrong with them. Can you live with that?
    • What if your family threatened to cut you off because of me? What would you do?
    • How will we work out differences in raising our children?
    • What are your reservations about celebrating birthdays? What do you think will happen?
    • What do you most like about the way Jehovah's Witnesses live?
    • What do you dislike the most?
    • What if your family privately complains about me? How will you defend me?
    • What would you do if a family member openly shuns me?

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