by frogonmytoe 24 Replies latest jw friends
Thanks for all your feedback, I think the control of the WTS just accentuates little 'kinks' we have in our personalities.
Rub a dub! HA! Reminds me of a comedy sketch I saw many years ago...
Julia - I hear you about the anxiety, I'm getting there, but still need to fight it.
Heart of a boy - I hear ya! It takes some getting used to relying on your own opinions and not feeling restricted in what you say and think...
I was never a very good Dub, so I always felt like the red headed step child, that I what I was or what I did was never good enough. It has been very hard to that.
My growth, development and health in the areas of personality, intelligence, social skills and mental state were all significantly impacted and retarded as a 3rd generation born-in.
Improvements started immediately when I began pursuing faith and spirituality (the unabridged gospel) instead of religion (supremacist legalism, moralism, ethnocentrism and privileged knowledge).
For the first three-and-and-a-half years it was a struggle as I was still in and carrying the lead weight of apostate Watchtower ideology.
Our first breaths of total freedom in mid-2009 were awesome, despite the shock and grief over finally seeing the Watchtower for what it really is, along with all the implications.
The journey and improvements continue...
(Why does the "true religion" secretly blind its followers to the "Good News" according to Paul, Moses, Isaiah and Psalms?)
As a born-in and still member of a strongly JW family, I think that for me personally, this WT religion has exacerbated my predisposition toward generalized anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive order, Asperger syndrome, and even some masochistic, schizoid behavior and paranoid thoughts. I feel that nothing I can do is really “good enough,” and that people are judging my worthiness to have any type of significant relationship or even have friends in “the truth.” My mother told me that all through public school, a common theme on all of my report cards was that I had low self-esteem. I also manifested a lot of self-defeating behaviors, putting myself down by deliberately attracting negative attention.
Believe it or not, I am turning 47 years old next month (July 2013), and I still have never, ever had any type of romantic relationship at all with a woman. That’s right; I have never had a human girlfriend. Never tried. (I am also, believe it or not, still a virgin; I have never had intercourse with any person.)
I don’t have any friends in the JW congregation (yes, I’m still being compelled to attend there with my family), and my only human friend is a completely faded former JW. (He and I met at the kingdom hall in 1979.) Much of this is out of spite, as I am very sensitive in that I keep thinking that other people think that I am unworthy of even having a friend in the congregation. I suppose deep down I think that I am not thought of as being “worthy.” It’s weird – I keep thinking that other people think or judge me as being unworthy of normal human interaction.
All the above, I suppose, is why I have had very strong tendencies toward zoophilia. (You can go to “dictionary.com” for that if you wish. It has an emotional connotation, and it doesn’t necessarily mean the “other thing.”) I have always been attracted in every way to animals – emotionally, and to their “physical form.” Since around my late teens, I have always been kind of a loner (human-wise) while having very strong affiliations and attachments to other people’s pet dogs. I have always latched on to a specific dog (of either gender) to spend considerable time with just to have some “safe,” non-judgmental company.
Even now, as I type this on my laptop computer in my car, I am with my “significant friend” – somebody’s big male dog, with which I now spend most of the afternoons and evenings every single day of the week. I love and need to be with him just to have some “trustable” company, and to have an intelligent, living being (albeit it of the furry variety) with which to share innocent but tender and intimate affection (or at least as much as practicable in my car in a public setting). His cuddly embrace and warm tongue on my face and arm, along with the music I put on (I love pipe organ and electronic organ music, and sometimes some easy-listening orchestral and soft jazz music), and, of course, being on this discussion board, make our time in my little metal “cocoon,” my car, my personal “happy place.” Just him and me – no judgmental humans in here to spoil it.
Sorry to digress to this extent. Sometimes things just kind of flow out on this laptop keyboard. Anyway, to get back to the original topic herein – as you can see, this “JWism” to which I have been held captive all my life has most certainly fostered within me the manifestation of certain antisocial traits, and a developed propensity toward an atypical self-absorption – I suppose as an acquired escape mechanism (perhaps partly due to some mild spectrum, Asperger-like autism) in response to the judgmentally I have perceived to be around me to which I have been exposed in the religion and also in my parents, especially my father, who was primarily the one who used to scare me about sinning against the holy spirit (thus my user name, “SAHS”) since my young childhood – I guess he has bought into much of the judgmental and legalistic views so espoused by the WT stance. (He’s a long-standing and prominent elder.) All this has exacerbated whatever personal traits and dispositions which could be considered intrinsic/genetic in origin.
Funny how all these things factors can profoundly shape our lives, whether we’re still aware of it or not. Excellent topic!
Anger.
I'm already warm blooded....but now, anything that encroaches on my life hits a nerve.
