A little update

by Bucholz 13 Replies latest jw experiences

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  Bucholz

  Hello everybody, even though I don't post a lot, I visit and read the threads on this site quite frequently.

  Wanted to give you a little update and ask for some advice at the same time. Since my exit, about 2 years ago, everything had been almost perfect. I was living on my own, making new friends, elders from my old hall weren't bothering me at all, I was enjoying life. I was living in my mother's house, mind you, since she was living with her new husband, along with 2 siblings.

  Then about 6 months ago she decided to move back in, and since it's a big house and I was getting to see my brother again (he's 10), I didnt see the need to move out. At the beginning everything was great, my mother respected my decision not to attend meetings anymore since she wasn´t attending meetings herself, and her husband is a good enough likable guy.

  But then it happened. She attended the Memorial, and for some reason she started attendind meetings once again. I guess all the loveboming worked on her husband as well, since he started studying with a brother from that hall. My little brother has started going out in field service for the 1st time in his life, and he excitedly told me he had just enrolled in the TMS, and was going to give his first talk in June. They have made it a habit to go out in field service every Saturday morning and on Sundays a brother from the hall and his wife come over to conduct the study with my mother´s husband.

  Needless to say, this has been an unpleasant and difficult experience for me. My mother is starting to say I'm a bad influence and she has started limiting the time my little brother spends with me. Once she went as far as to say that she would "pick up my remains after Armaggedon". It is also not a pleasant experience to come home and find them singing "theocratic" songs as part of their family worship night. This Sunday I got home to find 3 witness families having lunch in the dining room, and even though I´m not disfellowshipped they know I don't attend meetings anymore and well, you know how that goes, awkward as hell.

  It is really tempting to just move out, since I have the means to do so, but Im worried about my brother. What would you do? Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
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  OnTheWayOut

  Thanks for your update. I would do all that I reasonably could do to help a minor know the truth about JW's. I would stop short of losing my relationship with Mom to help my brother because being shunned wouldn't really allow me to help him.

  I would probably feed his curiosity on what's wrong with the WTS by mentioning the silly overlap and the child abuse lawsuits and tell him that it's pretty easy to google "Jehovah's Witnesses" or youtube it and find all kinds of honest discussion from another view.
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  Scott77

  Same with what OnTheWayOut has stated. Just to add. Since you stated that, "I have the means to do so[moving out]", I would think of that as something that you should be thinking of doing at sometimes later. Your brother may end up joining you as well though not now.

  Scott77
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  whathappened

  Oh my, what a tough situation. Actually, I would try to get them all out. Read Steve Hassons book and proceed with patience and kindness. Ask questions that will force them to say the ridiculous answers. Put them on the spot, but do so gently and lovingly.
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  sspo

  As mentioned i would concentrate on your parents by wisely instilling some doubts about the watchtower, false prophecy, new light and so on.

  Your brother is too young to understand what goes on in the watchtower.

  Good luck!
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  Billy the Ex-Bethelite

  "Once she went as far as to say that she would "pick up my remains after Armaggedon"."

  I can't imagine my mother saying that. I'd probably reply with the warning that I'd sooner be picking out her nursing home before that would happen.

  I'd recommend moving out in order to save your own sanity. Based on the experiences in my own family, you might try to keep the communication open by calling at least once a week and visiting every third week, or so. That's worked for me. And my suggestion would be to not talk about JW stuff at all unless they bring it up. In my situation, I've practiced my reactions so that when they start talking about WT, I stop talking and the conversation turns back around to other things. I used to practice what I'd say if the parents became confrontational. After a very few conversations I learned the right buttons so that they don't bother with it anymore. In my case, my parents are older and would be terribly lonely if I didn't keep in touch.

  In your case, the family is getting "love-bombed" now. It's hard to fight that, since you'll only sound like a bitter "apostate" if you say anything negative about their 'fast friends.' I'd suggest that you back off and give it some time. The love-bombing only goes on for a limited time before the cult increases the demands on time, money, and energy from them. In the meantime, make the most of your life outside the cult. Show them that you're not trying to persecute them, but show them that you're happy without the cult. Once you start filling your life with positive things, nice people, and have interesting things to tell them about, then you can show them that the "love-bombing" they've been getting at the KH isn't such a big deal.

  As far as crossing paths with JWs, maybe I inherited really good conversation skills, but I'm always prepared to wow them with conversation. In my case, since I still visit with my parents often, they mention various goings-on with the people in their congregation. So if I happen to be down and see dubs while I'm in the store, I don't avoid them. Rather, I engage them in conversation about work, kids, etc. Personally, I've never had the experience where they make an issue about my no longer attending. Frankly, if any of them did, they would probably be afraid that I'd bring up about their own children or other family members that are DFd, in jail, going through divorce, etc.
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  LouBelle

  Hi Bucholz - You find yourself in quite the situation. I have seen how certain family members have suddenly turned against another family memeber who is fading and has said the most hurtful things to her....this is to be expected.

  How to deal with it - with style, grace. When it comes to your little brother is there anyway you can organise little outings that will get him away for the weekend, perhaps get a worldly friend of his to come along and just share in fishing, nature, ball games. Strengthen your bond with him as much as you can.
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  Bucholz

  Thank you for your replies guys. Read all your suggestions and I agree, I think my brother is too young right now to understand what goes on in the Watchtower. I guess there's not a lot I can do about the 'lovebombing' either.

  The negative effect the WT can have on people's lives still surprises me. Just yesterday my little brother had one of his friends from school come over to play videogames and soccer. As soon as he left, his mother (my mother) went crazy. She started talking to him about how we must have friends who "love Jehovah" and that he already sees them everyday at school blah blah blah. They're freakin' 10 years old for God's sake!!

  What worries me is that my brother had been living a pretty happy and balanced life, and now all of this. Thanks for all your replies again. I'll keep you posted.
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  Oubliette

  Bucholz: Once she went as far as to say that she would "pick up my remains after Armaggedon."

  Wow, that didn't take long for the cult mindset to take over! So much for "Love Identifies the Christian Congregation."

  Sorry you're going through this. I would recommend you just continue to be the most loving, kind person you can while maintaining appropriate boundaries. This also means that you are careful regarding what you say in reference to WT "theology" as speaking openly against it can cause lots of trouble in your family relationships. Your mother's quick adoption of loyalty to the cult party line over natural affection for you only emphasizes my point.

  Not much you can do about your little brother except continue to be loving and an example of unconditional love. That could provide the contrast that ultimately makes the difference to him. This could (and probably will) take years.

  At some point you may want to move out just for your own sanity.
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  Oubliette

  Bucholz: My mother is starting to say I'm a bad influence and she has started limiting the time my little brother spends with me.

  You might try asking her directly, "In what way(s) am I a bad influence?"

  Unless you have some nasty habits you haven't revealed in your post, she'll probably say something along the lines of, "You don't go to the KH."

  To which you can correctly respond, "I see. So whether or not I'm a 'good' or 'bad influence' is all about meeting attendance and has nothing to do with what kind of person I am. Mom, how does that make any sense?"

  Make this point and make it hard. Refuse to let her squirm out of answering your question.

  One more thing: Never discuss doctrine!