Got a angry letter from our oldest son today we are very hurt from it.

by TotallyADD 74 Replies latest jw friends

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  ABibleStudent

  Great letter TotallyADD. Hopefully, your son will understand that you love him unconditionally, and JWs do not love unconditionally.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  Oubliette

  TotallyADD,

  Your response was beautiful. Sensitive, thoughtful and loving. Acknowledging his pain was a good move.

  Nevertheless, he has a lot to process. Hopefully he will come around.

  Oubliette
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  OnTheWayOut

  Your response is great. As I was reading the initial post, I so hoped that you wrote a letter in return that did not try to shift blame or minimize his feelings. Awesome job. So sorry for your sorrows.
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  OUTLAW

  Meh..It`s good to let your kids Vent..

  Let them get as Pissed Off as they want..

  Don`t minimalize any problems they have with you..

  That only adds to their hurt..

  If you can do that,it will all work out..

  ..................................OUTLAW
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  GrreatTeacher

  Thank you for sharing this.

  I have often felt like writing a similar letter to my parents.

  Now I know that I never will do it.
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  TotallyADD

  I just want to say thank you to all. This kind of thing can really cause me to go into a deep depression. I don't feel it will. I have learned a few tricks through the years to keep myself from that. Your comments are one of the things that will really help. All of your advice has been great. Your encuragement has been uplifting. This journey my wife and I have been on started in 2008. Many joys and great saddness and lots of hard work. I remember Randy saying I will never get over the effects of the cult because of my age. I can now see he knew what he was talking about. Being born-in into the JW cult have such a far reaching effect on our lives we have no idea what will come out and fester. Time can only tell how you will deal with it. Totally ADD P.S. There was a time not to many years ago I would have given it back to my son with both barrels. But I feel to a point I have grown a little.
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  flipper

  TOTALLY ADD- A lot of great comments and suggestions here for you already. I'm so sorry your son is venting this anger on you and your wife like this. I know how much it hurts because my JW daughters have shunned me for 9 years and they have issues themselves due to the JW cult influence. Just out of curiosity - how long ago did your son and his wife exit the Witnesses ? Recently ? If so- has he done any reading or research in order to understand just HOW the JW cult influenced him, you & your wife, and everybody else ?

  Many times people get angry due to fear of what they don't know or understand so they find a whipping post for their fears - and we as parents seem to be good whipping posts because of their fear and lack of understanding of what caused all of us so much stress in the JW cult. Knowledge is power, and access to information can be healing once each of us get out of our own way in order to become understanding.

  As some mentioned - your son certainly may NOT be at that stage in his life at this moment - but in time with you and your wife extending the olive branch and being loving unconditionally perhaps your son will mature somewhat and grow up emotionally to see that you folks apologized and are sorry sincerely for the hard times that occured. Hang in there. Just keep on keeping on being kind and hopefully he'll open his mind in time. Sending much love and hope to you, Peace out, Mr. Flipper
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  steve2

  Look, kids get mad at their parents for all kinds of things, whether religion is involved or not. It's the stuff of dramas and some of our best literature.

  Sometimes kids' anger is an invitation to further discussion, sometimes it's the equivalent of a slammed door and sometimes its hard to tell what it's about.

  Your response to your son is fine- except, what the hell are you apologizing about? Leaving the religion? Coming to your senses? Taking a stand? I suspect you are sorry for the way you treated them when you were a JW. If so, say so.

  You are not the first parents to have your children verbally turn on you - and you won't be the last. There's a lot to be said for leaving him to sort things out for himself. Most of us can remember times when we fumed against our parents and gradually we learnt that it passes. Time helps and so does a well-placed punching bag.The only complicating factor is your son's spouse. She may weld far more influence over him now than you ever did. Watch out for a mad-as-hell in-law. She may make your son seem like a wimp in comparison and she may have directed him what to say in his letter.
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  TotallyADD

  Hi flipper. My computer just crap out when I was writing a respones to you. My son has been out for many years however his wife in still in although she has not been to a meeting, fieldservice for years. She was sexual abuse as a child in the JW cult. She has problems. Her therapist she has had for over 7 years is also a JW and a pioneer. The therapist has become good friends with our daughter in law. According to Lady Lee this is bad. The therapist should loose her license over this. This causes more harm that good to our daughter in law. Top it off the pioneer therapist is also studying with her. It's really bad. We have told our son feelings on this but he told us in the letter we don't know what we are talking about and I need help. We did got him books to read but he was to afraid to take them home because of this wife. His wife will not let him go on the computer or read anything because she is so scared he will see something. She really has alot of problems but somehow my wife and I are the blame for all of them. Totally ADD
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  steve2

  I couldn't help but notice what you said about your daughter-in-law's therapist who is also a Witness. There appears to be a lot of unhelpful boundary-blurring and 7 (!) years of therapy is extremely suspect. Moreover, it is simply unethical for a profesional therapist to also be a personal friend of their client. It not only sounds wrong - it is wrong...and potentially exploitative in terms of providing therapy and charging for it.

  If therapy fees are involved, this would be a nice little earner for the therapist who, given she's also a pioneer, probably does her secular work as a therapist and her pioneering at the same time by witnessing to her client, your daughter-in-law.

  Another point: Both your son and daughter-in-law are virtually inactive as JWs - yet he still drills you out for your stand. It is typical of those who are inactive to somehow think they are less culpable in the eyes of the organization - and the god they are having trouble serving - if they reprimand other ex-JWs, probably making them feel not so bad about their own back-sliding. You're to be commended for your very conciliatory response and for not calling your son and his angry wife f*king hypocrites.