by TotallyADD 74 Replies latest jw friends
That's how twenty-something's are. Sometimes it lasts into their thirties. Total experts on being parents. NEVER going to make the mistake that their parents made...nuh-uh!
i think that being loving and patient is your best bet. You have now told him once. Don't let your pride get in the way of saying it again. You'll be fine.
i give you my sacred, personal word of honor.
He brought out it was not the cults fault but mine only. I agree to a point on that, what he does not know how the cult was twisting me to do things I thought at the time was right. The thing was I thought our relationship was getting better. I still think somehow telling his wife about us trigger something. He is 36 years old and I've notice for awhile he has treated me like I don't know anything. It could be the age I don't know. I guess I am just trying to find a answer. I did not bring this out at first but he gave us a optimumatom. If we don't go through therapy and become the person he wants us to be he will not speak to us. Totally ADD
Had a similar note from son when he did the big walk out.
It was only some years later we learned he and sibling had been sexually abused bya 'perfect' brother as children. It a moments flash that explained a shit load of things..
He and i are the greatest of mates these days.
He is venting his guts and this will be no doubt promoted by others on his side of the line wife her parents interfering others.
My heart goes out to you both. You have said you piece (peace?) now leave it for some time for the lava to cool.
send me a pm any time you wish.
Big hugs to you both.
TotallyADD...hugs to you and your wife. Your reply was very good. No bitterness. Your son should notice that you make no excuses and do not try to justify anything. By the way, my older brother vented on my parents some years ago. He continues to be a good JW.
I like jgnat's advice. Do cry with your wife if you feel the need. Share this, as bad as it might feel. And, maybe your son needs to be mad and hurt for a while to sort this out for himself. Just be there as you are able.
Bob
I'm sorry to hear this. I've forgiven my parents, but I must admit that from time to time I do still feel resentful for having the cult put on me my entire childhood. I hope they come to forgive you too. You were trapped by it just as they were.
Complicated. I wonder what your son wants you to do? All you can do is apologize sincerely, but now his life is his own to make or break. You may never have the relationship you want with your son, but perhaps he'll come to see that all of us were screwed from the get-go and it's up to him to make his life better.
I finally realized that about my parents -- they were screwed from the start by their parents. On the one side JW craziness, on the other side terrible violent alcoholics. And they didn't know how to get out of the cycle so my sisters and I had a pretty painful childhood. It was bad, I can't change that, but I'm not angry about it any more, I can see the whole picture. I'm glad I didn't have kids, though. I wouldn't have been much of a parent, as I didn't get my mind straightened out until later in life.
Anyway, who wants to go on thinking about the bad things forever? Look forward, take some action to have a happier life, try not to do to others what was done to you.
I think in this situation, they unloaded a lifetime of pent up anger all at once, because it was now safe to do so-- you are out of the KH and whatever they said can't come back to the KH to get them in trouble- It's a tsunami- over and done with. Hopefully they will feel some regrets later for some of the things they said-- good luck.
I think in this situation, they unloaded a lifetime of pent up anger all at once, because it was now safe to do so -- you are out of the KH and whatever they said can't come back to the KH to get them in trouble- It's a tsunami- over and done with. Hopefully they will feel some regrets later for some of the things they said-- good luck.
I think you're right, Moshe. They needed to get it out of their system. Hopefully they'll cool down soon.
You may be right moshe. The only thing I will have to come to terms with is it takes along time to clean up a tsunami. I think it will be awhile with our son. I am getting to old for this. Totally ADD
My heart goes out to you, ADD. We do the best we can. You said you shouted at them and were hard on them. Made them do wt things. You didn't beat them mercilessly, spit on them, make them sleep in cages. You said you are sorry multiple times. How many times do you have to say it? You are going to a therapist to become the person HE wants you to become. Is he also going to therapy to work on his anger issues? He needs to. How is your relationship with your other son?
My husbands father was a drunk for some of the time my husband was growing up. He was abusive physically during that time. He didn't really support the family very well, even tho he had a good job, they lived in a bad area with my hubby's invaliid granny in her house.When he got drunk, he would trash the house, and they would all sit outside waiting for him to pass out. When he quit drinking, they stayed in bad areas because he refused to spend his money to live in a decent area. They went to poor schools. He made good money, he was UAW. But anything they wanted they had to earn their own money for it. My husband actually shined shoes as a kid downtown. Father in laws money was his, and he kept in in the bank. My mother in law worked a minimum wage job she had to walk to, and he gave her a couple small utility bills to pay. In his later years,(they had to move in their 60's, cause they could hear gunfire at night, and we all refused to visit them any more) he had a stroke, and all 3 sons took turns going to the house to help take care of him so he didn't have to go into a nursing home. That is called Christian love.
Your son obviously considers himself a Christian. Isn't he supposed to forgive? Isn't that what Jesus instructed us to do? Didn't he die so we could be forgiven? You can't take back the past. You have tried to make amends. He is being a very poor Christian example to any children he may have. What if they decide they don't want to talk to him later on because they feel he should have done things differently? Do you think his wife and/or her family may be fueling this? Her job as a good Christian. wife should be to try and heal things.
It is time for you and your poor dear wife to move forward and live the best lives you can. Perhaps it is time to turn the tables and tell him again you love him and his family, your sorry for the past you cannot change, but this discussion is over. Call you when he's ready to move forward. And continue therapy because it is what YOU want, not because he demands it. And he really does need it as well to work through his anger. There has to be some deeper cause for his behavior. Much love to you and your wife.
