I apologize for digging up an old thread.
My name is "R."
My mother was from a congregation in Wisconsin.
I was molested repeatedly by a ministerial servant named "JT" He also molested a kid named "O" who hung himself. I advised Elder "P" of what happened and they never did anything to the guy.
Meanwhile the JW's told me that I'd be left for dead on judgement day , for the birds to pick at my eyes, and that I probably had AIDS, yada yada yada.
The original poster of this thread ("J") and I took opposite trajectories in life: He was from Bethel, he had his faith, and then he turned his back on it. I was angry at god and religion for years after running away from home -- as are many victims of spiritual abuse -- but then came back around to god elsewhere.
I liked "J", we met under some weird circumstances where he'd crashed his truck -- grey, a Toyota I think, the sort of truck I wish I had -- and I was on a date with someone else but I talked to him in the parking lot and he was the one I wanted to be with.
The next time I met him, I was in my car too drunk to drive home. He hit me up on Grindr, and when I explained my situation he was sweet and he came and got me and drove me home. He was a perfect gentleman, didn't make a move on me, he really just ... gave me a ride and that was that. And that stuck with me.
He was funny, he was an artist and a writer, he was a good kisser, we bonded over our screwed up past as JWs.
I guess we are both traumatized and have coping mechanisms that once worked for us, and no longer serve us.
We hooked up and yes... crystal meth was in the picture.
The last time we were together, makes a little more sense now.
"J" asked me to step into his hallway while he went to get the drugs. I felt a little hurt and mistrusted and I had feelings about it. I didn't hook up with him again.
Here in this thread he's explaining why he treated me with such suspicion: "Next hook up I got that MAYBE he was hired to hook up with gay guys on grindr and other sites to help monitor sexual practices and drug use... I'M GUESSING. That is the most speculation I can give with any evidential consistency"
Alright. I got a slightly paranoid vibe -- I am a very perceptive person , but I have been hurt very badly by a few men and the glimpse of that scared me.
I had no idea he thought the Jehovahs sent me to monitor his sexual activity and/or drug use.
But now that I read that, it TOTALLY "makes sense" that he wanted me to step into the hallway and not see what he was doing.
Okay man, I get it and I forgive you.
That's what happened.
There's so much I could say about what ensued in the years to follow.
Out of respect for you and your healing process I will not go into details.
You got me all wrong dude.
The things he blogged about didn't make me feel safe meeting him. That's all I will say.
I extended the olive branch a few times and each time he refused to believe it was really me.
He thought it was someone else messing with him.
And maybe someone -- or several someones -- have messed with him in the past, to make him so guarded and fearful.
Based on his blog and his own words, he seems to think so.
I'm sorry they hurt you to where you had those fears.
We were attracted and into each other in that parking lot at Freddies and I knew then you wanted to take me home and I wanted to say screw my date and go with you the night we met.
That's what happened dude. I remember it and it was sweet.
But you're picturing it ... as ... JW's putting me up to it.
Sigh.
Okay, we're looking at everything through a different lens.
I'm sorry drugs were in the picture and that it went so badly.
I read a little bit of your first blog, the backseat devil. I liked your writing style.
I compared it to the more recent stuff -- it's different.
I hope you get back to where you're the painter and a skillful writer.
I wish you were at peace with the fact that I am not a witness and I think they are a whack ass cult.
I am a Christian -- a Lutheran -- an apostate of the Witnesses, I was never associated or baptized or fellowshipped, I was their punching bag, their victim, their sex toy and I am not doing their bidding.
Wherever you are, I am not a mercenary dude.
After reading this post I actually understand where you're coming from.
And that you might .. as you have in the past .. say "that's not really you."
At some point , I hope you can see there are two sides to this story.
Believe whichever version you like.
All these accusations messed with my head and made me a little scared of you.
If we ever encounter each other, I mean you no harm and I might give you a hug and say I have to go. Just please don't hurt me.
I need you to accept what really happened and accept that you see things one way, and that I see them differently, for us to be in contact.
I wish you the best.
You weren't wrong, there was something there. [edit: between us, not to this witness stuff] and I read about what you said you wanted on the backseat devil blog. FFS, we wanted the same things.
But our traumas and our scars and the drugs we were on made us both into monsters that I doubt either of us are.
PS: I found this post tonight, I realize its 6 years old.
I have some conflicted feelings about reading this thread, but also I guess it helps reading where his head was at.
PS: I'll cheerfully burn a Watchtower or NWT for you or do some other fun apostate stuff if it reassures you I'm not in the.... cough .. truth and never have been as an adult. God would want me to help lessen your suffering much more than he values a book.
I am hiding from a different whack ass cult -- NA -- who treated me very badly for 10 years. A quarter of my life.
I just broke free of them and deleted that website without a word or warning to anybody.
Yesterday in fact.
So now once again I am detoxing from a cult.
Just not the one this website is about.
I deleted my email address, social media, changed numbers, moved, and once again changed my name to make sure they won't manipulate me into re-opening it and being their scapegoat and paying the bill for the pleasure. They have been relentless in contacting/harassing me by ANY MEANS THEY CAN FIND, manifestly worse than the witnesses. Email? Facebook? Endless drama and shit and I can not escape them if I can be found on the Internet. I am sober now, I have emails logs and screenshots of all of it... gurl, I am not cuckoo, they are.
I ended up here............ I guess alone with no friends, no site to contend with, no community, no 12-step meetings no nothing anymore.
I have a parting tip: People like us are victimized and re-victimized by people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) -- they gaslight you into thinking your abuse didn't really happen , they sweep your bad childhood under the rug if they're parents, and they ALL have "flying monkeys" -- friends, people who do their bidding, thereby INDIRECTLY abusing you. You are abused by your abuser(s), and the people they put up to abusing you. There is significant OVERLAP between cult behavior and these personality disorders! You have to be f*****ed in your head to participate in ANY of this and think its okay!
And the idiots -- the flying monkeys -- chuck their rocks at you, no questions asked!
Sound familiar? It's NPD. Check out "narcopath awareness" on Facebook and you will learn about all of it.
The sick f***s enjoy it because they're sociopaths or narcissists or a little of column A and B.
And I am sure there are as many in the congregation as there are in NA.
Frankly they behave more or less the same.
I wish you could take this one chapter .. and re-write it, J. I don't agree 100% with the story you laid out about us and I don't know most of the other names in it. There's one I'm damn curious about, I know several people with that name.
I have a few questions of my own but they're not important tonight.