Sex before marriage would eliminate a lot of unhappy marriages in the Borg... (page 4)

jws

Dismissing Servant wrote:
Hmmm...JWS..a bit sad...I hope you believe in sex after marriage aswell! But you are probably right. This happens for a lot of couples.

Sex after marriage is exciting again.

I know I'm not alone. I remember still being a 19-year-old JW and I'd have lunch with the people I worked with. Once in a while, this one married guy would announe joyfully that he got laid last night and update us on the count for the year. Me being a young JW and a bit naive thought he must be talking about cheating. After all, that's what worldly people are like, right? And sex at home with a wife was a given, so it had to be affairs. So I asked him once whether it was anybody I knew and, taken aback by the question, he told me it was his wife. He was on a less than once a month average. It shocked me.

I heard similar stories over the years until I married. I thought it was so sad and asked these guys why they're still married. I thought surely my marriage will be different. But, I found out it wasn't all up to what I wanted and sex needs to be consensual, even in marriage. And if she didn't want it, I wasn't going to get it. So I had one of those marriages I thought was so sad. Granted, there were other good parts sharing life and experiences together. So it wasn't a complete waste of time.

Can't help but pity the ex's new husband in regards to sex though.

jws

Heartofaboy wrote:

In her self righteousness Sister 'Whiplash' had done more damage than she will ever know.................I know because I was that young man.

I've never been attracted to other men, so I can't speak with authority. But I always thought and heard it was something you were born with, not the result of circumstance. She didn't drive you to it or damage you.

If you're gay, you're not damaged. Be proud of it. Maybe even thank her for opening your eyes. And be thankful you didn't marry first and then discover your true nature afterwards, causing a divorce and perhaps causing this girl to question herself for the rest of her life.

finally awake

JWS, just from a purely personal perspective, my interest in sex fluctuates wildly. When I was a teen, I was just as interested in sex as the average oversexed teenage boy. When I got married (age 20) I was shocked at how my interest level dropped off. I was too busy worrying about money and grades and finding a career track job, and sex took a distant back seat for a while. I also think being on the pill greatly reduced my interest in sex, but fear of pregnancy when I wasn't on the pill was also a big downer. I have had the same partner for 22 years now, and I can state unequivocally that my interest in sex at any given moment has nothing at all to do with his abilities or attractiveness. There have been periods of time when I absolutely wore him out, and there have been periods of time when I'd rather have my teeth cleaned than have sex. It's all down to hormone levels and whether my head is in the game or I'm too wrapped up in something else. Men take women's lack of interest in sex way too personally, while women see men's constant interest in sex as proof that men only value women as sexual playthings. Neither position is correct.

flipper

SINIS- Very, very true what you state. Good thread discussion. I was one of those " young JW's " who felt the pressure to marry my then JW girlfriend at age 19 and she was barely 18 years old - years ago after dating for 2 years. And yes, it was mostly because of raging hormones to have sex AND the fact we were lied to that by having the alleged " threefold cord " in both serving " Jehovah " that it would eliminate the need to be compatible in many other areas. That it would somehow, magically make the marriage work. NOT . Didn't work. Didn't have anything in common but being JW's. For 19 years we incompatibly suffered one another and finally split in 1998.

Like my wife now ( Mrs. Flipper ) said ( very funny I might add ), " What if you got married as a teenager then found out your husband could only have sex with you and be aroused if he dressed up in his Dolly Parton costume ? " See the point ? If you have sex before marriage you know what that person is like in bed where you would find out about these offbeat fetishes ! But as someone else mentioned here with something as important as finding a partner to love and live with and be intimate with it would help many more marriages out if both partners knew each other sexually before marriage so you'd know if you are compatible or not. It's hard for a sexually active person to live with someone who is not with frustration setting in eventually.

With the pressure on so many young JW's to marry just to have sex so they won't be DFed - it's like they have a gun to their head being controlled to stay in the JW organization and have bad sex or uninformed sex just to keep relationships with JW friends and relatives. Pretty dastardly , hurtful experience

flipper

OUTSMARTHESYSTEM- " Being a JW CREATES sexual inhibition. " Very, very true. No truer words have ever been spoken

Heartofaboy

At the time it was very painful, I planned to get drunk & end my life...........it seemed obvious to me that big ole Jah had rejected me even when I tried to do 'his will' by 'confessing'

I was very immature & naive for a twenty year old............a product of a JW upbringing.

You are right of course jws, in the long run 'whiplash' did me a favour by meddling.

TD

I kinda look at it from the opposite view.

Sexual compatibility is important. --No argument there. But when a couple is caught up in limerence, they're like as not to believe they are compatible.

People change though, sometimes drastically. And marriage can involve a lot of thought and effort as a result.

In the JW faith, what incentive is there? Can you divorce your husband because he's gained 100 pounds and now prefers video games and internet porn to you? Can you divorce your wife because she slops around all day in dirty, threadbare sweats and can't even spare you a dry peck on the cheek anymore?

If bad conduct and the resultant unhappiness is not a legitimate reason to end a marriage, then of course there are going to be unhappy marriages.

Crazyguy

I think i have to agree with TD, the one time id did have sex before marriage the thrill made me want her even more and i would have married her in a heart beat. she was totally not compatiable as a person to me. And then my wife and i are much more compatable as people but over time her desire for sex and even any intamacy has gone away. People change and sex just clouds your perspective.

sinis

I'm not indicating sexual compatibility per se, as much as getting the feeling of sex out of your system, so that when you finally meet someone, after a career has been established and you have lived in the "real world" for a while, you no longer look at that person as a sex object but a fellow human you would like to live a long time with. The problems with the JW's, is that to even associate with a woman, you MUST GET MARRIED. So, you are horny, and young, and find that the only way you get get laid is to get married, which imo is wrong - and ruins many marriages. First, get it out of your system, and then when you find the love of your life, sex is NOT a factor, but the person and how they complement you.

SkyGreen

Definitely agree with the OP

Some posters seem to think sexual incompatability is the issue, but i think that might be a little off topic?

The OP mentioned rushing into marriage because of lust. Getting married for all the wrong reasons and too young is a recipe for disaster. If we take away the old fashioned no sex before marriage, it eliminates sex as a reason to get married. If you marry someone, you need to make sure you are compatable in many ways, not just sex. For myself, emotional and intellectual compatability are incredibly important to a healthy relationship. If they are missing, everything else seems to suffer.

Sex before marriage would eliminate a lot of unhappy marriages in the Borg...

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