how do you cope with the stress of fading?

by brainmelt 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  brainmelt

  I'm really struggling with it. I've been learning the TTATT for the past 6 months now and I've been inadvertantly fading - either one of us or the children have had coughs/colds/flu/chicken pox/stress over the past 3 months which has meant we've missed a lot of meetings and field service with good reason. We've only been out in service twice this year, so far no ones mentioned it to us but I'm waiting for our group overseer to bring it up anytime soon. My husband knows I have doubts, he doesn't know I'm on here, he doesn't know the extent of it yet. I was always the spiritual head and now that I'm not making any effort, he's not really bothering either. He always invents an excuse on a Saturday morning so we never go out, he won't go to a meeting alone. The other night after a few glasses of wine, he mentioned something about a couple in our old hall who fell away and who apparently wrote a letter to the elders asking that they don't be contacted, he said, why be so direct, why not just drift away? I can't remember his exact words but he said he feels the same as me but that if armaggedon did arrive in 20 years after all, he'd kick himself but feel really happy that his parents had managed to make it. I don't know where to go next with him really. I don't want to scare him but also want to encourage his doubts and lazy ways.

  I'm still completely terrified of how to approach things with my family (I have both parents and 2 sisters and a brother still in plus inlaws) and also how to approach things with the elders if and when they finally notice that we aren't very regular. I've missed so many meetings that it feels like it would be easy enough to just stop now. I have days where I just cry all day - specifically Fridays, where I'm dreading the weekends - meetings/ministry/guilt of missing ministry. I am on this site far too much but i am finally getting answers to all my questions. I dont' know how to switch off, I have so much to learn and I'm trying to learn the entire history of the world/the bible/the WTS/evolution all at once and as my user name suggests, my brain feels like its melting.

  How do you deal with it all, how can I cope with all the stress? The only good side is that my children (aged 2 and 4) are athiests, as in, they have no need for god or religion yet, they have yet to be brainwashed, they are completely cool about everything, they love dinosaurs and animals like me and aren't in the slightest bit bothered about not being at the meetings.

  Any advice is much appreciated. I love this site so much, its completely opening my eyes and you are all helping me enormously but I feel like I'm going nuts! x
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  love2Bworldly

  Good for you that you are leaving while your kids are still so young. My advice is to be careful about 'alone' time your JW relatives have with your kids because they will do everything they can to influence your kids.

  My fade wasn't bad because I only have a sister who is a JW, so I can imagine it's way more difficult for you. It does take time to get over the brainwashing, it doesn't happen overnight. I went to a workshop on cults that helped me a lot. This site and other sites helped me a lot. I also read "Crisis of Conscience". It sounds liks your spouse is on the same page as you, maybe once in a while you should bring something up in conversation innocently about something you have doubts about and make him think.

  I wish you the best on your fade. Don't meet with the elders, you don't need any guilt or shame from them.
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  ruderedhead

  I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, brainmelt. It might take awhile, but you will be o.k. I know it's a lot to take in, and if you have family in, it's certainly harder. Please take a deep breath and slow down. You don't have to do anything right now as no one is bothering you (hopefully it will stay that way for a while). It sounds like your husband is fine with the way things are, so you at least don't have that added stress. Please get outside every day and do something physical, even if it's just walking the kids. It really helps to clear the mind.

  Keep doing your research SLOWLY, taking it all in. One point at a time. Do some reading on combatting cults, I'm certain others here will recommend some good books. Have you been to jwfacts? Great resource. See if you can obtain a copy of Ray Franz book, Crisis of Conscience. Don't speak to anyone just yet about what you are learning. You are simply not ready to deal with any fallout. With time, you will be strong enough, and will have all your facts. When you decide to drop nuggets, make sure it is done with CAUTION, AND VERY SLOWLY.

  I used to feel the guilt from missing meetings, etc. I think most did. You are programmed to feel that way, but as you learn more about TTATT, it will go away. You will realize you don't want to listen to the twisted teachings anymore, and why on earth would you want to spread them to others? But it does take time to break out of cult mode. Please find some things you enjoy doing to occupy your time and thoughts. It will help to push the wt from your mind so often. I wish you all the best, brainmelt. Hugs to you.
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  Coffee House Girl

  I remember those days of thinking I was having a nervous breakdown (so afraid to tell my JW relatives that I wanted to leave), I didn't know about this site when I decided to "fade" (I didn't even know it had been defined as a term, thats how naive I was)...

  Some mistakes I made....I should have just moved away, I decided to come out and tell my JW mom and sister (and the rest of my JW relatives) when the elders caught on to my tactical skipping of meetings and service, and some people were catching me at my double life (hanging out with non-JW). That confession caused a quick fade and people to shun me even though I am not DFd or DA.

  I know its hard to keep up a pretense that you believe when you know something is wrong, but know that you are not alone. Do not forget to take care of yourself (go for a walk with the kids if you get stressed thinking about things, or something else that relaxes you). I know that we are all busy, but you must take care of your mental health- this is a very stressful time for you, but know that there is eventually a time when it will get better.

  It will be four years since I left soon, and I am a completely different person now- but at the time when I was leaving I thought it would never get better and that I was going crazy.

  Try everything you can to not meet with the elders, if they do...

  Do not admit to anything, just tell them that you are stressed, depressed, and appreciate their concern (do not tell them that you are doubting, they will try to DF you for apostasy)

  I got roped into a shepherding call before I left, and I just agreed with everything they said, and told them that I was having a very hard time with depression and that Satan's world is taking a great toll on everyone (they seemed to like that).

  I wish you the best of luck in your fade!

  CHG
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  moshe

  I can't remember his exact words but he said he feels the same as me but that if armaggedon did arrive in 20 years after all, he'd kick himself-

  A good dose of ex-JW deprogramming will provide a complete cure for the WT's Armageddon phobia.

  The ol' Boogeyman has been used by most successful religions- because a good scare works. The followers of Harold Camping finally figured it out, well most of them did, I hope-

  
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  Mum

  You may need the services of a professional at some point. I know it makes you crazy, not because of what you're doing or not doing, but from all of the pressure and hounding you get.

  Personally, I moved to the other end of the country, and that made it so much easier.

  PM me if you need to vent.

  Regards,

  SandraC
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  OnTheWayOut

  You can simply avoid the elders and say "We'll call you if we need you." I think you should have a talk with your spouse about how to proceed because you have kids that are missing out on some parts of life. Plus you need to be united on what to say or who to avoid.

  Consider doing the standard readings including CRISIS OF CONSCIENCE, COMBATTING CULT MIND CONTROL.

  For a while yet, you might be able to put off JW relatives with the same old excuses. Many family don't want to be there and understand it's easy to make excuses and miss JW stuff.

  Sooner or later, you have to make bold enough moves that are noticed in order to stop ever ever going to meetings. But that's down the line yet. Many posters disagree with me, but I tend to believe that many with kids need to consider confiding in their kids to let them be more fully able to participate in outside experiences and still keep things quiet with the JW relatives. It's a lot to consider.
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  gone for good

  Dear. dear Brainmelt - (you poor thing) -

  I am so upset to think you are still having such anguish (because I know from experience the same pain)

  If I could make 2 suggestions -

  1. Write a therapeutic letter. Please, back up about 20 hours on JWN, and read the letter our 'sis' Skygreen wrote to her elders (It's her post number 135). her concerns are similar to yours.

  You express yourself well, and writing gives the opportunity to present personal, private, thoughts thouroughly and explicitly. A thoughtful letter to the 'right' elder (if you have one) may champion your pleas for peace and freedom from coercion.

  2. Take a copy of your letter, and visit a counsellor - in times of grief, sorrow and pressure, a good councellor is a true friend in the hour of need.

  Please, and keepmin touch here - we love you. (guy hug)
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  rubadubdub

  Mindmelt, First know that what you are feeling is completely normal. From what you say in your intro, you may have been raised as a JW or be a born in. This is huge. You are not going crazy. You say are crying every Friday and feeling guilty. What you are experiencing is cognitive dissonance. When you read Combatting Mind Control, by Steven Hasaan, you will understand that more. You are trying to process so much information and so many feelings all at once. Facing the fact that you have to rebuild your life from the foundation up and examine all you have known to be true is overwhelming, but you can do this! As others have advised, take it slowly. Take care of yourself. Find one fun thing to do for yourself and with your children outdoors every day. This will keep you grounded.

  Love your husband, but remember you can’t carry your husband through this. He has his own journey. My husband faded over 30 years before I walked away. Recognize that the issues that bother you may not have the same impact on him. I don’t want to sound cold, but since there are children involved your first duty as a parent is to protect them. Your husband is a grown man who can and needs to fend for himself. You said you have been the “spiritual head.” He may follow your lead in this too, and that would be great. Again focus on yourself. You know the analogy-- in an emergency on a plane; put the oxygen mask on yourself, before you help anyone else.

  Other books by Steven Hassan are: Releasing the Bonds, Empowering People to Think for Themselves and Freedom of Mind, Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People Cults and Beliefs. If my memory serves me well, Releasing the Bonds has the most information on JWs.

  Crisis of Conscience, by Ray Franz has also been mentioned and can be purchased as a pdf. A book I don’t see mentioned often is entitled, Leaving the Fold, A guide for former fundamentalists and others leaving their religion, by Marlene Winell. This book really resonated with me having known nothing other than Christian Scientist beliefs through my grandmother until she died and then beginning my studies as a JW when I was nine.

  Lastly, the advice not to talk to anyone, not elders, not family members, about your doubts is paramount right now. Be a broken record if necessary. Formulate a short sound bite that you are comfortable with—I’m really struggling with sick kids and depression right now; I’ll let you know if I need anything. No further discussion is warranted.

  The elders will use “Theocratic Warfare”, and that is what mode you need to be in. I downloaded a .pdf of the elders’ handbook, Shepherd the Flock of God (Google it.) This will help you to see what you are up against.

  Keep reading, keep posting, ask questions, vent. We are here for you, and we care.

  Rubbity
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  Aunt Fancy

  Just take your time and keep researching, it does get better with time. Don't rush into anything, time is on your side. We didn't make any quick decisions and I feel that helped us. I too got sick every time I thought about the meetings. It caused me so many health problems and i never realized until i started to fade what it actually robbed me of. i was a healthy vibrant woman then got involved in the religion and within a few years my health went so far down hill. Think about your health and your family. I would hate to hear that your health went down hill too. I was very fortunate my husband started to fade with me because I was able to get him to read C of C. It sounds like your husband has his doubts too and he may be afraid to tell you how he really feels. Read the books that were recommended and they will help you make the right decision for you and your family. You are young and your children are not indoctrinated at the point which is a plus. Your children will thank you one day if you can break free of this cult. I wish you the best and we are always here for you.