I have to say I am surprised and am quite saddened to hear how many Jdub marriages fall apart when one partner becomes an "unbelieving mate" or even an "apostate." I thought I might post my thoughts on my thinking process during the time my hubby, bethelyellowdollarbag, in my Jdub thinking moved along the path from an "unbelieving mate" to an "apostate" over the course of 30 years before I finally woke up to TTATT. Perhaps if I explain my thought process, others who wish to keep their marriages intact might be able to use this information to help keep their Jdub partners in the marriage long enough for them to awaken. I hope it doesn't take 30 years in your case. With methods that have been outlined by Steve Hasaan and in informative threads on this and other ex-JW forums, perhaps you will have success. I sincerely hope that you do.
This was my thinking (references provided below):
1. I absolutely believed my husband to be an apostate. He told me he did not believe in the teaching about "this generation"; he did not believe in the value of Christ's ransom sacrifice and had rejected God's visible organization.
2. I absolutely believed my spirituality was in danger, but my husband never prevented me from going to meetings, nor did he make it impossible for me to worship Jehovah.
3. The only grounds for a divorce are adultery (porneia). Apostasy is not grounds for a scriptural divorce.
4. I knew that Jehovah hates a divorcing, and no flimsy excuses would hold up with Him. I would have to "render an account" to Him.
5. In my mind, a separation who most likely lead to a divorce.
6. I feared my own "treacherous heart" and didn't trust myself to make such a huge decision.
7. Jehovah promised to protect me spiritually.
8. Jehovah promised that I would not be tested beyond what I could bear.
9. Jehovah promised that he would help me endure and keep my integrity.
10. I believed the marriage vow to be sacred.
Even though "apostates" are so wicked that others should never even say a greeting to one or read the literature of "a known apostate", I believed I was expected rely on Jehovah's promises and stay in our marriage. This set me up for horrendous cognitive dissonance! Since I am posting here over 30 years after my hubby walked away, I think that it is pretty evident that my Jdub spirituality was in a state of absolute endangerment for decades, and yet I stayed, because I believed it was what Jehovah (and the elders) wanted me to do.
I'm not saying marriage under these conditions and this thought process was in any way easy. In fact, it drove me to the brink of insanity. The elders in my local congregation know this, and I believe it is one of the reasons they are now taking a "hands off" approach. Time will tell. I've been out 19 months now and did not attend the Memorial this year for the first time (I went last year to appease my one remaining Jdub friend. Never again!)
If you want a better chance of keeping your marriage together, assure your partner of your love and show it, while assuring his/her freedom to worship Jehovah as he/she chooses. I raised both of our children in The Lie. My daughter walked away when she turned 17 and headed off to college. My son was DF'd and was traumatized sufficiently that I do not fear he will return. With the exception of my dub-in-laws, our entire family is free!
References:
*** w88 11/1 pp. 22-23 pars. 12-13 When Marital Peace Is Threatened ***
Absoluteendangermentofspirituality also provides a basis for separation. The believer in a religiously divided home should do everything possible to take advantage of God's spiritual provisions. But separation is allowable if an unbelieving mate's opposition (perhaps including physical restraint)makes it genuinely impossible to pursue true worship and actually imperils the believer's spirituality. . .Of course, if a baptized marriage partner acts like an apostate and tries to prevent his mate from serving Jehovah, the elders should handle matters according to the Scriptures. If disfellowshipping takes place in a case involving absolute endangerment of spirituality. . ., the faithful Christian who seeks a legal separation would not be going against Paul's counsel about taking a believer to court.-1 Corinthians 6:1-8.
13 If circumstances are extreme, then, separation may be warranted. But flimsy pretexts obviously should not be used to obtain a separation. Any Christians who do separate must bear personal responsibility for that action and should realize that all of us will render an account to Jehovah.-Hebrews 4:13.
*** it-1 p. 642 Divorce ***
Nor does the Bible grant Christians the right to divorce their marriage mates because of difference in religion; it shows instead that by remaining with an unbelieving mate the Christian may win that individual over to the true faith.-1Co 7:12-16; 1Pe 3:1-7.
(Malachi 2:16) For he has hated a divorcing," Jehovah the God of Israel has said; "and the one who with violence has covered over his garment," Jehovah of armies has said. "And YOU must guard yourselves respecting YOUR spirit, and YOU must not deal treacherously.
*** w11 7/15 p. 12 par. 10 Will You Follow Jehovah's Loving Guidance? ***
The Bible thus warns us: "The heart is more treacherous than anything else and is desperate. Who can know it?" (Jer. 17:9)
*** w10 1/15 p. 9 par. 10 Belonging to Jehovah-An Undeserved Kindness ***
That psalm begins: "Anyone dwelling in the secret place of the Most High will procure himself lodging under the very shadow of the Almighty One. I will say to Jehovah: 'You are my refuge and my stronghold, my God, in whom I will trust.' For he himself will deliver you from the trap of the birdcatcher." (Ps. 91:1-3) Notice that God promises to protect those who love him and trust in him. (ReadPsalm91:9, 14.) What sort of protection did he mean? Well, Jehovah protected some of his ancient servants physically-in some cases to preserve the genealogical line leading to the promised Messiah. However, many other faithful men were imprisoned, tortured, and killed in devilish attempts to turn them away from faithfulness to God. (Heb. 11:34-39) They found the needed courage to endure because Jehovah protected them spiritually from the danger of breaking their integrity. Therefore, the 91st Psalm can be understood as a promise of spiritual protection.
*** w86 3/1 p. 17 par. 7 Job's Integrity-Who Can Imitate It? ***
Yes, Jehovah will uphold us. "For those walking in integrity he is a shield," the Bible says. (Proverbs 2:7) This does not mean, though, that Jehovah will not allow us to be tested. He will, even as he did with Job. "But God is faithful," the apostle Paul noted, "and he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear, but along with the temptation he will also make the way out in order for you to be able to endure it."-1 Corinthians 10:13.
*** it-1 p. 126 Apostasy ***
This term in Greek (a·po·sta·si′a) comes from the verb a·phi′ste·mi,literally meaning "stand away from." The noun has the sense of "desertion, abandonment or rebellion." (Ac 21:21, ftn) In classical Greek the noun was used to refer to political defection, and the verb is evidently employed in this sense at Acts 5:37, concerning Judas the Galilean who "drew off" (a·pe′ste·se, form of a·phi′ste·mi) followers. The Greek Septuagint uses the term at Genesis 14:4 with reference to such a rebellion. However, in the Christian Greek Scriptures it is used primarily with regard to religious defection; a withdrawal or abandonment of the true cause, worship, and service of God, and hence an abandonment of what one has previously professed and a total desertion of principles or faith. The religious leaders of Jerusalem charged Paul with such an apostasy against the Mosaic Law.
*** it-1 p. 126 Apostasy ***
Even though a person who was inciting others to apostasy was a close relative or a marriage mate, he was to be put to death for having "spoken of revolt against Jehovah your God." (De 13:1-15)
*** it-1 p. 127 Apostasy ***
apostates may forsake his service by treating lightly the preaching and teaching work that he assigned to followers of Jesus Christ. (Lu 6:46; Mt 24:14; 28:19, 20) They may also claim to serve God but reject his representatives, his visible organization
*** it-1 p. 127 Apostasy ***
It is evident that there is a distinction between a 'falling' due to weakness and the 'falling away' that constitutes apostasy. The latter implies a definite and willful withdrawal from the path of righteousness. (1Jo 3:4-8; 5:16, 17) Whatever its apparent basis, whether intellectual, moral, or spiritual, it constitutes a rebellion against God and a rejection of his Word of truth.-2Th 2:3, 4; see MAN OF LAWLESSNESS.
*** w86 3/15 p. 13 par. 10 'Do Not Be Quickly Shaken From Your Reason' ***
hen a fellow human tells us, 'Do not read this' or, 'Do not listen to that,' we may be tempted to ignore his advice. But remember, in this case Jehovah is the One who tells us in his Word what to do. And what does he say about apostates? "Avoid them" (Romans 16:17, 18); "quit mixing in company with" them (1 Corinthians 5:11); and "never receive [them] into your homes or say a greeting to [them]" (2 John 9, 10). These are emphatic words, clear directions. If, out of curiosity, we were to read the literature of a known apostate, would that not be the same asinviting this enemy of true worship right into our home to sit down with us and relate his apostate ideas?