Hello all,
I've been lurking here for some time and now that I've registered here's a little bit about myself..
I'm in Northern Europe (so english is not my own language,but I have indeed studied it for more than 18 months) and I was born into this hateful cult in the "momentuous" year of -75.Good that my parents stayed alive till then!
As far back as I can remember I had doubts both about the doctrines and the whole existence of god.However,I instinctively knew that these doubts are not to be mentioned.So I learned to be a fake at an early age.Though having read many other stories here I realise how easy I got it.I now understand that we lived in a rather liberal area and also my family was quite liberal eventhough my dad was an elder since mid -80 and mom was really "strong in the truth".I never brought up the religion at school or with friends and was never bullied or anything.It helped that I was good at sports,especially football (soccer for americans) and football is also the source of my biggest hurt in childhood.I know it may sound very trivial,but the fact that I wasn't allowed to join a football team felt just so unjust and painfull and it lasted all through my childhood.Whenever we had a new gym teacher,the first thing he asked me was which team do I play for.I was too embarrased to tell the truth and I just gave the impression that I only wanted to play for fun and not join any team.Oh,how badly I wanted to!
Somehow I managed to silence all those doubts and got babtised as a young man.Very soon after the babtism I knew that it didn't have the hoped for effect of making me more spiritual and meetings and field service still felt an absolute bore.Now began the long years of just "going through the motions".All my family (parents,many brothers and sisters,uncles and aunts,nieces and nephews) and most of my friends were in.I never reached out and attended only one or two meetings a week and penned my hours.I kind of liked my congregation (also,the seats at our kh were really comfy,so i often slept through the meetings) and made some very good friends.Friends that - as you all can guess- didn't turn out to be so good in the end,but with whom I nonetheless had some good times and felt a strong connection to.
For a long time nothing happened that would've disrupted my rather non-eventfull life as a lacklustre jdub with at least another foot in the "world".I'd done many things that would've gotten me d'fed,but I never had any intentions of going to the elders about it and I had no pangs of conscience about it either.It was just a matter of convenience..I liked my witness friends,wanted to hold on to them and not to lose my family.
However..there was this girl..
A (worldly,of course) girl that I had absolutely fell for and had a brief romance with many years ago.Now she was back in my life.I must omit the proceeding turns of events for the sake of anonymity,but the end result is that I'm a proud father of a lovely baby girl.Well,not so much baby anymore as she starts school soon.I love her so much and it gives me great satisfaction that she is growing free from any influence of vicious cults or of any gods for that matter.We live now in different countries but I see her often and there's always skype.
Her birth also acted as a catalyst for the change in relationship between me and the society.I decided that I wanted to share the joy of her birth and existence with my family,eventhough I also knew that that would mean I'd have to go the elders too.If I didn't,they would,and that would result in automatic disfellowshippping.
A JC was duly formed and I had decided that I'm not going to go there and tell them that I regret her,as having her is the best thing that's ever happeded to me.(I wasn't living together with her mom).For whatever reason,i was still in the good books of these elders.They never actually asked anything like "do you regret.." but one of them said that my telling shows that I'm willing to make things straight with J and now is a good time to start getting stonger in the truth.
I got off the hook and wasn't d'fed but the absurdity and sickness of the situation (sicknes that I might lose my whole family if they so choose to decide) made me wanna look more closely into the religion of my birth.Boy,did the flood gates open! Soon I had read the Ray Franz books and Jonsson's Gentile Times Reconsidered,jw.facts.com and the wealth of information found on this forum.Things I was completely unaware of before,UN and all.. I cannot express in words how important that's been and I'm in great gratitude for so many on this forum.Too many to name any.
I never set my foot in the kh again and never will unless it's a funeral of a family member.I can't even read a wt without getting physically ill.I've managed to keep my family relationships but not completely without repercussions.I used to be very close with my mom,but now she mourning bacause "she always thought we'd be together in paradise" and it's a bit more strained now that I've abandoned jehovah.Who wouldn't abandon that psycho! With him I've also abandoned all other supernatural creatures (maybe with the except of sparlock) not that i've ever really embraced them.Should've listened to my gut feeling as a child.
The only regret is having realised all this so late,already in my thirties.The freedom of thought and the general (elders aren''t hounding me,i was never useful to the congregation anyway so they don't miss me) freedom is priceless and I wouldn't give that back for anyhting.