New Member / MS still in...

by Comatose 52 Replies latest jw friends

  • Comatose

    Hi all. Feels real strange typing this. I was what you all call born in. I was happy growing up. No very bad experiences. I have served as a MS for a long time and never took steps to move on to Elder. Was afraid of that. I pioneered for several years. I was what most would think very strong in truth. I have had odd doubts or questions for years... Always push them out of my mind and pray about them. Last 3 years I started drinking to cope... Stopped drinking as of Jan 10. Confronted my doubts and feel good, but also sad and still confused. Odd mix of emotions. I'd like to explain my problems and how I got here. I am sure many have had some of the same thoughts.

    The flood. When I realized a few weeks ago I couldn't in good conscience give a talk on it, I knew I had to step down.

    How could Mt. Everest have been covered? How did coral and sea horses, and earth worms and animals indigenous to Madagascar or Australia survive?

    how did all the races come from 3 sons of Noah? Why do spiders have webs if not to eat other insects? Skunks have scent, snakes venom, turtles shells. But in a few months in the new order they will all not eat each other?

    Neanderthals - so the society admits they lived now but says they were another human race. The DNA doesn't match. Where did they come from? We can trace most of Adams sons to people in Middle East. Neanderthals came from Adam? This one got me over the edge I was stuck on. So they were intelligent, and loved and buried dead with flowers, and now to accommodate that we just call them humans.

    Old Testament says Jah killed a child slowly on purpose to punish David and Bathsheba. Read the account our last weeks watchtower had.... Joab was a horrible person. He murdered 3 people in cold blood with no known punishment and lived till old age, but the baby had to die slowly over 7 days to punish David? "Jehovah struck the child". Why not just do it quick?

    Elijah called down a she bear and it ripped apart 42 kids. It taught them and their parents to respect gods prophets? Give them leprosy for a day! God wouldn't do that, kill 42 over teenage stupidity.

    Elijahs bones had left over Holy Spirit in them and resurrected a dead man... Why? Israelites went to war with the people of the promised land and died in the battles. Why? An angel could kill 185k, so why didn't the angels fight for them? It just doesn't make sense any longer.

    I want God to be there. I pray still. But, I don't believe in the creation account as outlined in the bible. I do believe in natural selection and adaptation after studying it over past weeks. I just don't know where I am now. I'm confused and conflicted. I don't know how I'll go in service again. I am stepping down now for personal reasons from being an MS. I've shared much of my problems with my wife. She has some doubts, but not like mine. I can't hurt her. So taking it all very slow. Last few weeks have been very sad, but I've learned a lot. I was really hurt by the quote mining in the creation brochure and the 2 articles on Jerusalems destruction.

    Well I know this is long and a little disjointed. I just wanted to share.

  • tenyearsafter

    Welcome to the Board will find it an interesting and helpful place to share your new feelings/fears/questions.

    When you first start to accept that certain things don't sit right regarding the JW's, it can be a very disorienting and disturbing set of emotions and feelings. Doubts can be troubling at first, but ultimately liberating. If you haven't read it yet, I'd recommend getting a copy of Crisis of Conscience by Ray helps clarify many questions in a balanced and kind way. Keep reading the posts on the will se a wide range of people in various stages of their journey regarding the WTS. Some are still in while others have left. You will see everything from ex-JW's who became Evangelicals to embracing Atheism. Whatever path you choose, you can learn from the experiences of those who proceed you.

    Good luck as you travel the path of real truth!

  • cobaltcupcake

    Welcome, Comatose! Everyone here understands that initial feeling of disorientation when you start to wake up to the truth. Feel free to share all of your doubts and concerns here.

  • purplesofa

    When I started opening my eyes, it felt really great, but the loss of the life before that ... I guess I went through a period of mourning.

    So many years wasted, and then I had to pick up the pieces and because I had changed it was strange to those close to me.

    Of course, I lost all my JW friends and that was painful. but that was many years ago and I have built a new life and I am happy. A whole new world has opened up to me.

    I hope your wife comes along with you in your journey. Be gentle, but most of all be good to yourself.

    Be moody, you sound like a good man


  • Aussie Oz
    Aussie Oz

    Big welcome to you!

    I served as a reg pioneer for a few years and as a MS. I left them in 1998. I had no doubts, or if i did i buried them so good i dont remember them. But what I did know was that i just did not want to be a JW or a christian anymore. I was burnt out, depressed and suicidal. I started leading a double life as my authentic self and the two worlds had to collide one day... and i let them (destoyed everything)

    Towards the end i just could not stomach field service and if i did go i would ask to go alone, i would take a bible and nothing else, i could not bring myself to push magazines on people who clearly resented it. often if a house was empty i just stood on the porch for ages before moving on.

    I started to hand talks back, esp public talks.

    I stopped praying. I came to see it as nothing more than self affirming of what i thought, nothing more. I came to believe that God did not care one little bit about 'me'. Individuals were nothing more than colateral damage and pawns to this mad mans game of universal power struggle.

    I was an apologist for them though for another 12 years! Until i found this place of refuge. I too was very conflicted coming here. Even being out for all that time it still felt very dangerous to log onto a forum of ex JWs. So began my journey of waking up.

    I am glad you have already started to wake up and have the presence of mind to go easy on the wife. Too many here have lost a spouse when waking up. You will find a good many able to help you through confusion. It is truly amazing when you do wake up though isn't it! amazing clarity and yet it is mixed with fear too.

    There are lots of serving and recently stepped down elders and Ms here...reach out for them.


  • happy@last
    [email protected]

    Welcome here, never stop asking questions. It's quite a journey you are embarking on, but one with incredible freedom along the way.

  • speargrass55

    Welcome Comatose, thanks for sharing. You'll find your way in time. Most on here had their doubts at one time. Some found the courage to leave. Trust your gut instincts.

  • OneDayillBeFree

    Welcome buddy! Man the newbies seem to be coming in from left and right this year!

    Waking up to the truth about the truth is one hell of a bumpy ride my friend, most of us here have been through it.

    Im also technically a born in, (got in the religion when I was 4) and I'm currently in as well, working on getting out, so I know exactly how you feel.

    You made a lot of great points & even though to some of us they might seem obvious, to the JDubs it is mind-altering! I'm sure that you'll find the answers to all your questions. But all in good time.

    You mentioned taking things slow with your wife, and I suggest you just try and sit back and relax a bit too.

    Just remember that you have people here who are ready to listen to you and help.

    Now, congrats on waking up. You've got a long road ahead, but you're not alone.


  • ABibleStudent

    Welcome Comatose, and thanks for sharing your experiences. If you did not want to be an elder, it seems that you have had doubts about the WTBTS for awhile.

    Take your time, resolve your emotional conflicts, use non-WTBTS sources to research your beliefs, and make plans after your emotions have settled down and without drinking lots of alcohol. Post on JWN as much as possible to help you vent your emotions, instead of raising suspicions of JW family and friends.

    Sometime in the future when you are ready, I would recommend that you read Steve Hassan's books (i.e., "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and (his latest book) "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones to Leave Controlling People, Cults and Beliefs") or visit his website. After reading Steve Hassan's books, you will understand a lot more about the WTBTS and how you feel.

    You might want to read the thread Progress ( I think? ) in helping my wife to see the "truth" by stuckinamovement and other posts that he wrote to get ideas to help your wife awaken. Be very slow trying to help your wife, because her whole world may be crashing down on her.

    Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,


  • Lozhasleft

    Hello and welcome. Give yourself some time to research so as to accept and then heal. Most of us can identify with your sadness and confusion, coming out of the WTBS is a journey, often painful, but always worth it. I hope you benefit from the support on here.

    Loz x

Share this