Son returned home nad full speed ahead with all the jw stuff...

by marriedtoajw 18 Replies latest jw friends

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  marriedtoajw

  As I stated in my last post, my son, age 21 visited his jw grandparents and aunt and uncle in another state. When he left, about 2 months ago, he wasn't sure if he wanted to come back at all or just stay and live with them. Right before leaving, he quit his part time job, dropped out of school, mid quarter and left to go to a comic book convention with his jw uncle. Doesn't make sence to me to make these rash decisions for a comic book convention... had to be more to it but no on tells me anything. When he was out of state for those 2 months he called me only once to ask for money to pay for his plane ticket home but talked to mom at least once a week.

  I have two other sons ages 12 and 15 and a daughter thats 8. Since my son turned 21 a few months ago, he's been going to every meeting. The love bombing is really working on him by people in my wife congregation and from my wifes family. I can't even talk to him as he has tuned me out and has already probably been warned that I may become more hostile about him going to every meeting since he knows how I feel about this religion. My 8 year old daughter adhores my son and goes to the meetings with him and mom once in a while but not always. My 12 and 15 year old sons never go to meetings.

  You may be getting the picture as I describe my situation. Honestly, I think my wife has already decided that she is going to push as hard as she can to have my son and my daughter be jw's while not trying so hard for my other two sons, leaving that job up to my oldest son while putting me on the spot to be confrontational, so she can teach my son about persecution, or emasculate me further as I do allow these things to keep peace. Here is my issue... All the JW's in my wife's family seem screwed up in one way or another. Broken families or living at the poverty level on government cheese. Those who were never baptised, as far as I know, are shunned cuz they're either in jail or on drugs. My son has yet to put it together that the religion may have something to do with that.

  Now, I know alot of people are hurting right now financially with the economy as it is but ever since my father in law decided to cave in on being reinstated with he jw's about 12 years ago, everything went down him for them financially. He left a great paying job to put more time in his ministry and everything, financially, hit the fan. None of my wifes family have regular jobs, they are being kept afloat by odd jobs given to them by people in their congregation and living in homes owned by jw's who charge them reduced rent. My son sees me working hard every day for years, sacrificing my own time to support us, while my wife sits around, doing laundry, washing dishes, doing laundry and washing dishes, doing laundry and wahing dishes... that's literally all she does. I know those things need to get done too but she doesn't look for work, could care less if the bills get paid or not.

  I'm getting burnt out in more ways than one. Physically, psychologically and every which way I can get burnt out. I think my marriage is over unless I cave and convert. Everyone who knows me knows I'd be doing it to save my family as my extended family, almost all Catholic, know my situation and are waiting for me to cave. They can't stand my wife anymore cuz they see what she's doing but I think my wife think's my family is so much in darkness, they wouldn't know spiritual warfare if it slapped them in the face. I guess I'm just looking for sympathy and support here guys cuz sometimes I wounder if I'm doing the right thing hedging all the jw stuff. I can see why some marriages break up or the non jw spouse converts. This is sooooo draining and it's been going on for tooooo long.... :(
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  zeb

  If the borg is so supporting of your son then let it pay all all I mean all his bills.

  If people dump a good job to pioneer or wash windows or go into poverty by instalments then that is the path they have chosen. Keep a distance and do not let them via blackmail or through your wife leech money out of you.

  I was the last of a big family (not in) and I was going to be the favoured one who would make up for all the wrongs real and imagined the others did. Its amazing how mothers in particular who have no aspirations about anything at all will drop their sights onto one of their offspring and decide that child will be the clone they will live their lives through.

  Your 21 yo seems to be emotionally much younger as mothers and the others love-bombing would not have been so successful. Tell him please next time he starts with the wt spiel that this course is what he has chosen but it is chosen 'warts and all' that there are no perfect organisations or people.

  For goodness sake seek counseling and drag the wife along so she has to listen to her own words.

  love to you.
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  Satanus

  That's a big load you're carrying, brother. Jehovah doesn't provide, at all, does he? I don't really have much for suggestions, You're doing a good job, really. The only thing that i would say, is to monitor yourself if the you get more burnt. If your actions towards your family start to get negative, they would put you in a bad light, even though you are supporting them all. If you start going downhill mentally, then maybe it would be better to get out of the situation, and into a position where you can recharge. That would allow you to be more attractive to the kids, at least.

  The reason i say this, is because i saw my own father go downhill from too much pressure, while trying to maintane a disfunctional family. We all thought that he was the sole cause of the woes, while he was basically breaking down. It took many yrs for me to see the bigger, balanced picture. To help your kids out, you need to keep yourself in good mental condition.

  S
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  zeb

  and (oops) it is so very easy for grandparents and the older folk to sit on the moral high ground and pontificate to all about them about how things should be they are most likely on pension and do not have to face realities like insecure work, and a shrinking work force too.

  In my past cong an elder from the platform was beating up the coming convention. "If the boss wont give you time off then throw your job in there is plenty more". The shudder that went throught the cong was palpable. This elder has been on a pension for 20 years plus. His comment revealed a mind so far out of touch with reality he could not hit it with a thirty ought six.

  21, single, new to the cong.... hmm it sounds like the'loving' sisters are lining him up for an early wedding.
• 

  ABibleStudent

  Hi marriedtoajw, Your situation sounds very bleak. Have you read Steve Hassen's books ( "Combatting Cult Mind Control", "Releasing the Bonds: Empowering People to Think for Themselves", and "Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones to Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Organizations") or visited Steve Hassan's website?

  You may not be able to reach your oldest son, but you may be able to reach your younger sons and your daughter. Hopefully, if three of your children learn about the WTBTS, they will be able to awaken your oldest son without you appearing as the bad guy. The WTBTS's truth should be able to withstand independent research or it should be tossed like the BS that it really is.

  Peace be with you and everyone, who you love,

  Robert
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  10west

  It's all psychological, don't let it get to you, just support it in fact IMO and it won't turn into a stranglehold in the mind;

  I'll bet if you support it (try it for like 6 months as an experiment, and see for yourself), the possible anxiety will clear up, because there is really no reason for conflict, just indulge them - give 'em a helping hand!; It's not like you kid joined the Double24 Mexican mob;

  You got it good!!!
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  marriedtoajw

  No biblestudent i have yet to read any of steve hassans stuff although it has been recomended to me before. I would like to ask anyone who has read his books how they helped.
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  jgnat

  I read Hassan's books. It taught me:

  You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
  Know when to walk away and know when to run.
  You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
  There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done. - Kenny Rogers

  I think your 21 year old is going through a stupid phase. I'd let him go and let him feel the full force of his decisions. I had to let my son go to the streets for a few years before he came out the other side a humbler man. It was agonizing, fearful, and necessary.

  I think you have a good shot of keeping half your children from the WTS. My father was a smoker, my mother was not. My brother smokes, I and my sister do not.
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  ruderedhead

  married, you sound like you need to recharge your batteries so you can fight back! I don't mean by being confrontational, as that would be playing into their hands ,but in an intelligent way. Please find some affordable way to recharge yourself, whether it be a guys weekend somewhere doing things you enjoy, or a family weekend at a indoor waterpark, or simply a 1x/week night out of bowling or anything you like to do. Re-charge!

  I don't know if you have gone to jwfacts, but you need the info there to help you combat this religion. You don't want to lose your family to this. Try to go there every day for info so you can back up what you are saying. NEVER be argumentative, just matter of fact when discussung the beliefs. Slowly feed all your children the information as well as your wife. Your oldest will be the hardest as he is being love bombed and enjoying all the attention, as is your wife.

  And please make the 21 y.o. get a job. It may take a while, but there is no reason he cannot find something, and should be looking. He can start his own lawn service. You can use the job hunt to talk about how difficult the job market is for people w/o higher ed., and how much more difficult it can be for those with out further education, along with lower wages. DO NOT give him any money without having him do something for it. You are enabling him, and I am sure you love him too much to want him dependent on you. Your wife probably does all the housework and laundry, so she does have a full time job. But if you could use a hand financially, perhaps it's time to have a discussion about her getting part time employment and everyone pitching in with the housework to ease her burden there. Plenty of jw women work. No reason she can't if you need the help. I remember one jw who had 7 kids, Her husband was strained financially and when he told her he needed her to help with the finances, she told him she couldn't, the children needed her. He had to get a SECOND job! Like the kids didn't need their father! and their oldest son went to work at the same place Dad got his second job. That woman was just lazy! And a bit strange. Btw, he still works that second job, all these years later. I know, because I see him there. You deserve the life you want, married. Do it for all of your children!
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  Apognophos

  I like ruderedhead's advice to read up on the religion and become familiar with the flaws in their doctrines (JWFacts.org was the most convincing site for me personally, as a wavering Witness). I don't think any good will come, long-term, from caving in and becoming a pretend-Witness for the sake of household peace.

  You have the option to fight fire with fire (religion with religion). I don't know if you are religious yourself (doesn't sound like it), but I'm not religious either anymore; at least I don't think that the God of the Bible exists. Nevertheless, like a number of others here, I have a hypothetical "if God exists" mode that I can go into if I need to debate a Witness using only the Bible. They needn't know that I don't believe the Bible is God's Word because I only argue against Witness interpretation of it, not against its supposed status as divine inspiration.

  That being said, you know your family members and what will be more likely to work. There's so many angles to take -- the moral argument against the no-blood stance, the historical argument against the JW organization and its many revised teachings, the scientific argument using biology, anthropology and archaeology.... Perhaps a flat-out atheist argument can be effective (your older son sounds a bit like me, perhaps he will be convinced by scientific arguments against creationism as JWs teach it).

  No matter what route you go, if you have specific arguments prepared, it will prevent you from looking like just a "persecutor" and hopefully your family will feel a need to rebut your arguments instead of just writing you off as an "opposer". Please use this forum as a sounding board if you do go this route, as there's many ins and outs to Witness teachings that can be tricky to navigate, and we can offer lots of debate advice (I'm assuming in this post that you weren't ever a Witness, is that right?).

  It could be argued, as 10west did, that worse things could happen than your children becoming JWs. At least they will have strict morals to live by; although some Witnesses seem to react to those strict morals by totally flipping out when they eventually leave the religion, or by living double lives. But at least they're in a community of fellow churchgoers who can help them. That being said, I'd be concerned about pressure on them to get baptized, which can lead to disfellowshipping and shunning later. Not only that, if you become a "Witness" you will be expected to deny your children blood transfusions if any of them should need one, some unfortunate day. Whereas right now, as the head of the family, you have the right to take charge in that situation and tell your wife that they're getting blood and that's that. So I would definitely be hesitant in your situation to bite the bullet and start attending meetings.