by cognac 60 Replies latest jw friends
It seems we all have our secret little internet vices
and some of us pretend to be monkeys even...
Cognac, I'ms sorry for your troubles. I've read the threads, but not commented. I feel for ya and wish you the best, but don't really have good advice to give. None that is sensible anyway...
Secretly loving Canadian monkeys on an internet forum is not a vice!
Anyway, I'm not old (mid 30's) and I'm not a technophobe or Luddite, it just seems that when people get on FB, suddenly what they post on FB and others reactions to it becomes s important as actual real things happening and actual real relationships in their life. Seriously, the amount of time I see people spending on FB and the importance they attach to it, to me, insane and it would seem, hurtful to relationships.
Facebook is a two edged sword. I like and hate it all at the same time. I like it for keeping up with local interests, local bands, bars, clubs and acquaintances. I like it for the funny stuff, the weird stuff.
I hate it for religious, political, lifestyle grandstanding. I hate it as the main means of commmunicating. I hate it for becoming a meaningful relationship communication substitution.
Facebook is pure entertainment for me, nothing else. If it starts to replace real life, then it's time to unplug.
I really don't want a divorce. I'm just trying to work things out in my mind.
"I hear you.. A need to communicate not to just throw in the towel
You cannot stop a river in it's overpowering force , but it can be diverted into a placid flow ..
clouds do in their turn , change from blue or gray !"
It may not go the way you planned but in your mind you give it full chance
The problem has to be with me. He must be just reacting to what I'm doing wrong. I can't act like I'm innocent in all this. I just must not be an easy person to deal with...
This is a VERY natural way of thinking, dear Cogn (good morning and peace to you!). Unfortunately, it's usually the thinking of the victim, the one who is in the right. Because that one is TRYING to take some responsibility for what's going on. Which is the RIGHT thing to do. However, it does not excuse what the other party may be doing that's WRONG. And also very common among women - it's what keeps victims of domestic violence in their situations - their need to "take some responsibility" for what's "wrong" in the relationship ("It MUST be MY fault, else he wouldn't beat me!").
It comes from a place of love, first. It's the same "thing" that compels mothers to make excuses for their children - "It must be me; I'm the reason why he/she is/does/says..." It comes from a place of guilt, second. Guilt is an emotion that women feel SO much more than men. Much of it is due to the high level of responsibility society puts on us: to be "good" - "good" daughters, "good" wives, "good" mothers, "good" sisters, "good" friends. Heck, NOW we're even required to be "good" enemies! They call them "frenemies" (when I first heard that term I thought... WTFrick?! But knowing the woman who said it to me, I quickly thought, "Yeah, I can see how that would work for you.").
Third, beyond love and guilt... it comes from a place of co-dependency... which is another thing that society creates is us, especially women: the (very false) perception that we are nothing... unless we "belong" to someone. In this world, that means a husband. So, we CLING to marriage... because of what it "makes" us... because society has taught us to perceive ourselves as nothing and of no value without one. As you get older, you will get past THAT lie (if you have the fortune of a long marriage, it's either because you and he have grown together and accept one another as equals... or one of you has simply resigned to yourself to your relegated "place" in the relationship and have no desire to fight for any other "place" in it.).
Even so, how you're feeling about this... responsible... is OKAY. It's RATIONAL. What is NOT rational, though, is for you to take on ALL of the responsibility, to the point of excusing HIS bad behavior because of perhaps your own. Indeed, you may or may not have acted badly at all... or you may have. Either way, doesn't excuse HIS behavior. He's a grown man - a big boy... and if he had a problem with you (how you act, treat him, whatever), then he should have dealt with that by communicating with YOU... or seeking help to do that... and NOT by seeking the "counsel"... or "comfort"... or another woman that he can't even reveal to you he's talking to. People who have nothing to hide... hide nothing.
You gotta do what YOU gotta do here, girl... and that is get to the bottom of this matter... one way OR another. NOT for your own sanity (although that should be a consideration)... but for the sake and FUTURE of your GIRLS... particularly THEIR relationships with THEIR husbands. You and your husband are there first example of how a "works" for them. They will look for... and most probably end up with... whatever you two SHOW them.
So, if nothing else motivates you to move forward to resolve this... mmmmm... "concern" you have... love for your dear daughters should. Folks MUST remember: our children have NO choice, while they're children. If you're unhappy... they're gonna be unhappy. If you're scared... they're gonne be scared. If you take abuse... they're not only taking it, too... but will probably take it later as well. If YOU cheat... then they might just as well cheat, too. Or, alternatively to all of this, become SO controlling in their adult lives... so as to keep all of these kinds of things OUT... that they end up perpetuating another kind of misery for themselves.
If you're having marital problems you OWE it to your children... and yourselves... to try and get them resolves ASAP. One way... or another.
I hope this helps and, again, peace to you!
A slave of Christ,
SA
Stop with the facebook battles and talk to him, honestly and opening about what is going on. Go to counseling with a professional trained at helping.
Couples should also ask themselves the following questions to help determine if they are still in love:
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/When-Is-Divorce-the-Answer#ixzz2HP7sP0oc
According to Rabbi Shmuley, divorce is never good, but it is often necessary, especially in cases where there is a recurring pattern of alcoholism, abuse or adultery
I made it clear after the time a girl sent him a message saying that she loved him that I didn't want him on facebook for awhile. He doesn't like to be controlled, so deleted me so I just wouldn't know he was on.
And who would? Think about it: demanding that a teenager stop FB doesn't work either. The teen will just make another e-mail address and facebook account. How much more so would an adult not want to be ordered to stay off fb? Why drive the whole operation underground?
Marriage mates get entirely too pushy with each other and forget that they are adults and individuals. If I learned anything from being married it is that you need to stay lovers and friends. Once you take on the role of boss or parent to your mate, the relationship becomes very unpleasant. We ladies do not want to be treated like children and the guys sure don't like it either.
If a guy feels like you have become a parent or mother to him, he's probably going to start "dating" again. Or staying out with the guys. I'd tell any lady who is getting married, "Never treat him like a child or he will cast you in the role of mother and rebel big time against you." I tell a man the same thing, "Be her daddy and you will make her miserable."
I've heard a saying that when all is said and done, what matters most to anyone is how you make the person feel. That is what the person will remember about you once you're gone. Ask yourself how you are making him feel. Be honest with yourself.
Drop this into the hosts file of his machine
(Mostly just joking here, but sounds like he deserves it)
127.0.0.1 www.facebook.com 127.0.0.1 facebook.com 127.0.0.1 static.ak.fbcdn.net 127.0.0.1 www.static.ak.fbcdn.net 127.0.0.1 login.facebook.com 127.0.0.1 www.login.facebook.com 127.0.0.1 fbcdn.net 127.0.0.1 www.fbcdn.net 127.0.0.1 fbcdn.com 127.0.0.1 www.fbcdn.com 127.0.0.1 static.ak.connect.facebook.com 127.0.0.1 www.static.ak.connect.facebook.com
