Call Me Smiler

by Terry 56 Replies latest jw friends

  • Terry

    Sugar's Blog

    Friday 21st

    I've been praying for almost 6 weeks just like Elder Katz suggested. I think Jehovah has finally heard me and responded!

    My new bible study is so smart! He picks up on everything so quick!

    He has a humble heart, I know and it will be wonderful if I can get him coming to meetings at the Kingdom Hall before the holidays are over.

    All that pagan music and phony celebration is Satan's way of distracting sheeplike ones and I don't want that to happen to Smiler.

    My brother, Jimbo, doesn't say much but I get the feeling he's not a big fan of Smiler. Jimbo gets quiet when he's not happy. He's been pretty quiet

    at the last few studies. I know he only goes because he has to. Mom says a single sister cannot have a bible study by herself with an unbelieving male without

    a brother there. Jimbo refuses to conduct the study anymore.

    "Just put on your darn head-covering and YOU do it" he told me in the car on the way there.

    What's his problem?

    Oh. No big deal.

    Smiler must have embarassed him with his questions!

    Smiler is not his real name, he says. Deets is. But, since its a weird kind of name he just goes by his nickname. Probably because he has such an honest and handsome smile!

    Short for Deitrick. His family is German.

    Anyway, Smiler asked Jimbo two weeks ago-I guess it was--about something he read. Smiler went to a used book store and bought a bunch of copies of older publications

    that the Watchtower Society published a long time ago. He's really really interested, I guess.

    So, he got ahold of The Truth That Leads to Eternal Life. A little blue book.

    He asked Jimbo what happened in 1975. I guess something in the book about that date really perked his interest up.

    Jimbo never heard of anything about that and he sort of waved it aside like it wasn't worth talking about.

    So, here's the part where the embarrassment comes in; Smiler gets really excited and practically recites from memory pages and pages

    from that book. And you know something? It really was exciting!

    I didn't understand any of it because nobody ever talks about it. But, it has to do with the end of mankinds existence or something.

    So, after Smiler asks all these questions and then just looks over at Jimbo--well, my brother's face was getting redder and redder.

    Isn't that silly?

    I asked Dad and Dad talked to Brother Lipscomb about what all that means so that I could explain it to Smiler and, you know, answer his questions. Like I'm supposed to.


    Brother Lipscomb took me into the library and sat me down. I thought I was in trouble or something. I figured Jimbo had told about how I was conducting the study instead of him. Or what not.


    Brother Lipscomb explained that Jehovah's Witnesses had been very eager for the New Order to arrive and had expressed the idea of how it would appropriate if 1975 happened to be when the thousand year reign of Christ


    Something to do with historical dates and stuff. Way over my head! But, he said to tell Smiler that we Witnesses have adjusted our views and are more patient about it now.

    Then, he looked me in the eye and told me to cautious!

    I asked him about what.

    He said sometimes questions about 1975 are asked by people who want to destroy your faith. And that I should be careful if there are any more of this kind of question.

    He told me he'd go with me on my next study to personally answer Smiler's questions.

    I was disappointed but I guess if he handles it better than I could its all for the best. I can still count the time!

    Brother Lipscomb and I will be over at the place Smiler is staying at 7 p.m. this evening. I'm excited to see him again! I'm really praying that he becomes one of us. I think he'd make a wonderful minister.

    I don't have time to blog anymore today. I have to get ready for the study. I've got a new dress.

    More later.



    Smiler, we'd like to begin with a word of prayer if that's okay?

    Oh certainly, Pastor Lipscomb.

    I'm not---we don't call ourselves Pastor, Smiler. We don't believe in honoring men with fancy titles. Just call me Morris.

    What's fancy about Pastor? I could understand the word Reverend being "fancy"--but--doesn't Pastor just mean an ordained leader of a church?

    Uh, yeah--its ....we don't put on fancy airs and elevate ourselves like christendom's ministers do.

    You are ordained, right? You went to Seminary?

    Smiler, let's pray first and then at the end of the study we can take questions if you don't mind. Is that okay?

    Sure thing, Brother Morris.

    Heavenly Father Jehovah, we approach your throne of undeserved kindess to ask that your spirit be with us this evening so that we may learn and grow in your Truth in the name of your son, Christ Jesus. Amen



    Why do you say it backward, if you don't mind me askin' Brother Morris. You know Christ before Jesus. Everybody else in the world says it the other way. I mean I don't call you Lipscomb Morris.

    Uhhh...well, for one thing, Christ isn't Jesus' last name. It is his title and it means anointed or Messiah. And Jesus means "Jehovah is Salavation."

    Okay. If you say so!

    You'll find that Smiler here is a deeply curious person, Brother Lipscomb and is practically starved for accurate knowledge. He's kept Jimbo and me on our toes these last 6 weeks.

    I'm sure he has.

    I'm a very intelligent person, Morris. I have a genius I.Q. ya know.

    Ahh, okay......that's great. Let's get started on the kind of knowledge that means everlasting life.

    Sorry to interrupt, Morris. But, I've been waiting all week to get the answer to my question. I'm about to bust. Did Sugar tell you about it?

    Sugar mentioned it to me, yes. About the 6000 years of human existence ending in 1975, right?

    That's exactly right, Morris. That was 37 years ago. What the heck happened? Anything? Something? Nothing?

    (sigh) I'd really like to start the study, Smiler and if you save your questions until----

    Ha ha ha, Okay okay---I get it. I'm sorry, Morris. I already ticked off Jimbo asking about it and I sure don't want to tick you off too. I'll just keep quiet. I don't mean to start trouble.

    Oh Smiler, Brother Lipscomb and Jimbo aren't "ticked off" they just----

    I'm not ticked off, Smiler. Thank you, Sugar, I'll be happy to handle this.....We are thrilled to have the opportunity to discuss Jehovah's Truth with new people like yourself.

    Oh--so it WAS true, then---I was all wrong thinking you guys had screwed up and set a wrong date for the end of the world like those crazy cults. I apologize. I can be dense sometimes.....

    Smiler---it---we.......I'll explain it this way. Okay? You see, we Jehovah's Witnesses look forward to Jehovah's promise to end all the suffering in this wicked old world and to save his true followers at Armageddon. So---

    I get it! It was an honest flub! You got ahead of yourselves--but--not for evil purposes. You just sort of got excited like a puppy who wants to go outside and pee--but--pisses on the floor instead!

    Smiler! I've never heard you talk like that in our studies before! Sorry, Brother Lipscomb.

    Yes, sorry Brother Lipscomb. Are Jw's not allowed to say "pee pee"?

    May I ask YOU a question, Smiler?

    Fire away when ready, Morris.

    Have you ever known any Jehovah's Witnesses before?

    Depends on what you mean by the word "known." My dad was one. But, I never met him. I only saw him once. So, does that qualify as "know"?


    You thought what? That I never met my dad? Are you psychic or something?

    I don't mean that. You are asking questions the way Ex-Jehovah's Witnesses tell people to do in order to mock our faith and to embarass us.

    Brother Lipscomb, Smiler isn't----

    It's okay, Sugar! Brother Lipscomb has got his back up for a good reason. I should have been more gentle in my query! He's come all the way out here to TEACH me and he ends up being the one taught a lesson. Ha ha ha ha

    I think we'd best be leaving now, Smiler. Come on, Sugar. I don't think this young man has been honest with you and I don't think he's really interested in studying the bible with us.

    Hold on now, Morris. Don't get your knickers in a pinch! Being thin-skinned is silly for a man your age. Don't be in such a hurry to leave.

    Come on, Sugar. We don't need to continue----

    Oh, Brother Lipscomb--I'm so confused--why are you two arguing--I don't understand what's going on!

    Heck, Sugar---I'll tell you what's happening. Brother Lipscomb here is being like President Clinton when he looked straight at that camera and told a giant whopper to the American public! Your religion didn't have relations with that woman--Monica Lewinsky. hahahahhaha.

    Let's go. Now!

    Oh you too.....really won't do any good. That door is stuck and I bet it won't open.

    Did you lock this? Open it. What are you doing?

    Smiler! You're scaring me. What is that thing? What are you doing!

    I'm calling the police. YOU LET US OUT and PUT THAT DOWN.....!


    Pop! Pop! POP POP POP!!!

    JEHOVAH HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Testing! Testing! I hope I got all that on tape! Can't wait to play it back!


  • rip van winkle
    rip van winkle

    Terry- It's a Chiller Thriller!!!

  • Terry

    Dear Daily Diary,

    I guess you're the first diary in 3 D! Get it?

    I set up my tape recorder to catch all the fun and games at my bible study with them stupid Jehovahs last night.

    I've tried in the weeks before but I could not get it close enough to capture any voices that weren't muffled.

    So, I keep moving it closer to the table we sit around and I finally figured it out at last! I paid 40 bucks for an amplified microphone. Worked like charm.

    Dawn Rae Shugart and Morris Lipscomb are the latest entries on my goof list! That makes 61 so far. I counted em' last night.

    It just set my heart ablaze when that Pastor showed up instead of old Jimbo the jackass brother of Sugar's. Jimbo is no fun anymore. He sulks! Like the big sissy he is.

    But, when that Morris fellow stepped in to my little travel trailer I sized him up real fast.

    Sugar must have coaxed him in to coming with her.

    It took me not ten minutes to get his goat! I can spot a Puritan half a mile off. This one was soooo full of himself too. That's not all he was full of :)

    I had planned to release Zilla while they were praying--but--we never got to the closing prayer and I had to improvise.

    Mister too-cool-to-be-my-fool was dragging Sugar to the door and I knew I had to act fast!

    I opened the closet and grabbed my precious Komodo dragon buddy and set it loose on them! Woo wee! Sugar had a come-apart!

    Zilla hates loud noises and I set off some party poppers so she'd go berserk on em.

    I never laughed so hard, I'll tell you. I listened to that tape over and over.

    I kept telling Sugar I was just trying to give her a present! And you know, even with those nasty infected bites---I'll bet somewhere in her big, dumb JW heart she really believes me!!

    Brother Morris kept kicking Zilla in the head and he got a piece of his ankle fed to my baby! Ohhh, it was the best. It really was.

    I quietly told the two sacrificial victims I would be calling the cops and reporting them to the Humane Society. What kind of christian kicks an animal in the head?

    I didn't have to change my story very much for the police report.

    The Officer asked me what happened and I squeezed a tear from my left eye as I gathered myself together. Wink wink!

    "Officer, I had two Jehovah Witness ministers who were trying to convert me. You know? Telling me not to celebrate Christmas and all!"

    The cop started writing it down like it was evidence--wow!

    "They were making me read out of their own crazy bible instead of the HOLY bible, ya know? Telling me that giving presents is pagan and that God would probably kill me when the End of the World comes."

    The cop was scribbling away and I continued...

    "So, I went over to my closet to show them my beautiful pet lizard that my Auntie gave me for Christmas...just to show them how sweet she was--and, no sooner did I cradle my baby in my arms than the older guy, Pastor Morris whatever starts popping my party poppers I had on the table over there!"

    The policeman stopped and stared at me at this point. I was trying figure if he wasn't buying it--or if it was just too interesting now to miss a word of it....

    "I guess Zilla, my lizard companion, thought that cult leader Jehovah fellow was trying to hurt me---and he leaped out of my arms to stop him! It just breaks my heart what that cultist did to Zilla."

    The cop was shaking his head like he'd never heard of assault by lizard before and was wondering if there was an actual law against it.

    "So, the girl that was with him, Dawn Rae, started slapping at Zilla and hurting the poor creature at the same time Morris the Jehovah cult leader was kicking my baby in the head! It was so terrible, awful, cruel and unnecessary!"

    The cop was scribbling again.

    "I pleaded with them both but they were screaming some kind of JEHOVAH JEHOVAH curses that creeped me out. It was evil and mysterious--let me tell you, officer! Zilla was biting in self-defense and now....gone forever."

    I squeezed another tear out and the cop finished writing.

    "Where is your pet lizard now, sir?"

    "Oh, I had to bury Zilla in the garden behind my trailer before it got all swollen and putrified, ya know? Sad. Truly sad."

    "Now what kind of lizard was it?"

    "Um, I'm no expert on critters or anything. Have you ever heard of a pocket dragon?"

    "My daughter had one she brought home from school when she was little."

    "Well, I wouldn't swear that's what it was. To me it was just a very thoughtful present from my Auntie who loves me. Now I have to break that poor old woman's heart."

    After the cop left, the next day, I called the Humane Society and asked several questions and told my story. Just to have on record. Now I don't think I'll hear from either one of those two again...

    but, if they should want to press charges or get me to pay doctor bills--it's my word against two half-crazed, lizard-kicking, cultists!

    I think I covered all the bases, Diary, don't you?

  • Terry

    Komodo dragon
    The largest of all living lizards is the Komodo dragon, part of the monitor lizard family and the only lizard alive that will stalk and (occasionally) kill humans. Komodo dragons are one of the most feared lizards and because of their size and power some people consider them to be living dinosaurs. The Komodo has a unique way of tracking its prey. Komodo dragons are the largest predator on the Indonesian islands, they can be up to 3 meters (9.8ft) long and weigh around 70Kg (150lb) - the heaviest ever found in the wild was 166Kg (370lb). The Komodo dragon’s tail is as long as their body and is very powerful, it would knock you off your feet if you were hit by it. The reason for their size is a biological phenomenon called "island gigantism". This happens when there are no large predators on an island; birds and lizards will grow to be larger than normal so they are able to hunt all prey on the island without competition or have problems with larger prey. Komodo dragons have powerful legs armed with incredibly sharp claws, which are used to harm prey and rip apart food. Komodo dragon skin is usually a green colour and they have yellow forked tongues. You would know if you saw one in the wild, as they are rather large and can be clumsy on their feet. Something that big and beefy, how could you not notice it? Komodo dragons are generally solitary creatures and only meet to eat or breed but have been reported to hunt together once in a while. Males will fight each other for courtship rights, they sometimes vomit or defecate before the fight and the reason is unknown; maybe they are nervous. The victor pins the other male to the ground and once he has won the victor will mate with the female (after he courts her some more). Courting may involve rubbing chins together and hard scratching on the females back. The female is resistant to mating, she will fight the male so the male will pin her down to mate with her. Once pregnant the female will lay up to 20 eggs in a cut borrow on the side of the hill or in an Orange-footed Shrubfowl’s nesting mount. The eggs will incubate for seven to eight months and the hatchlings will crack the egg with an egg tooth that will fall off later like the echidna puggle does.
    The hatchlings will live in tree tops to avoid larger prey and cannibalistic adults that will eat them, they take up to eight or nine years to mature and will stay in the trees until they are too large for their claws to lift them into the trees anymore. The claws then become used mostly for defense and attacking. The diet of the Komodo basically includes any thing it can kill, including other komodo dragons. Something unique about the way they hunt is that they have over 57 different strands of bacteria in their saliva, a germaphobes worst nightmare. When a Komodo dragon eats it actually cuts up its gums so that blood sits in their saliva with raw meat left over from eating as well, this creates the ideal world for bacteria to grow. When a Komodo dragon bites you it will pass the bacteria into your would which can cause rapid swelling, localized disruption of blood clotting, shooting pain up to the elbow, muscle paralysis, hypothermia leading to shock, loss of consciousness and these effects will last for hours; Komodo dragons can also smell the saliva they left in your bite for miles so you can you not hide from them. It is unknown why these bacteria do not affect the Komodo dragon as it lives in their saliva. Recently scientists have discovered that Komodo dragons and other monitor lizards have two small venom glands in their lower jaw but it is in dispute whether they use them or not, some believe that the symptoms of their bite is caused by the venom and others believe it is from the bacteria only. It is also believed that the Tyrannosaurs Rex (T. Rex) had a similar bacterial environment in their saliva to the Komodo dragon, not surprising as the Komodo dragon and the T. Rex are both epic creatures and are similar type apex predators (top predators) of their times. The Komodo dragon just goes to show how little we actually know of the epic creatures we share this planet with and how easily we humans can become prey. They show us how we are just another creature on this planet abiding by natures rules of survival. They are also a good example of why you should brush your teeth unless you want the kiss of death.

  • rip van winkle
    rip van winkle
    Dear Daily Diary,
    I guess you're the first diary in 3 D! Get it?

    Terry, you made me laugh right away with that opening! And then you completely misdirected the storyline in a way that was so unexpected. I really enjoyed this part of your Smiler series. I do hope it continues.

    And thanks for the komodo dragon info. I remeber when Sharon Stone's ex husband Phil Bronstein got bit by a Komodo and was very seriously ill. Almost died.


    Three things I will remember:

    1- Smiler knows how to draw sympathy from the most trusting "victims" and how to spin a story with his wicked imagination.

    2- Dragons will hurt you if you hone in on their territory.

    3- Dental health is very important!!!

  • Terry

    How does it feel to be sitting in jail on Christmas Eve?

    I'm not complaining any. What's it to you?

    I remember you. I don't guess you remember me, though.

    Let me seeeeeee. I'm going to stare at you for a minute.....

    Yeah, well- knock yourself out.

    Nope. Never see you before.

    I don't really believe you. I'm pretty sure you are a patholigical liar.

    Harsh. You'll hurt my feelings.

    You know you don't have any feelings. Except for yourself.

    Say! Who died and made you Freud?

    I'm a psychotherapist. Like I said, I've met and interviewed you. Years ago.

    Okay. If you say so.


    Who decided I needed this.....this...counseling session, anyway?

    The District Attorney. He's figured you by the rest of us.

    Us? You have a mouse in your pocket?

    No, but I'll have you in my pocket before we're done here.

    Don't think I'll fit, you might have to fold me a few times.

    By whatever means necessary.

    Thank you, Malcom X.

    I guess you could say, the buck stops here.

    Oh, give me a pencil! I need to write that one down! Ever think of working for Hallmark cards? A talent like that gone to waste!

    It's Christmas Eve and you're sitting in a holding cell.

    Newsflash, Doctor Freud---so are you!

    I can walk out of here and you can't.

    Sure, I could.

    How do you figure?

    Your wristwatch says it is 6 p.m. The shift just changed. A new guard is sitting out there waiting for the D.A.'s therapist to tell him to open the door and let you out.

    I'm listening.....

    Since it is a new is also a new guard. This one has never seen your face. Or mine!

    Is their a point to this story?

    The psychiatrist interviews a distraught inmate and the inmate faints. The shrink calls the guard who lets him out. The medics are called in to tend to the poor soul.

    Are you feeling faint?

    No, but you've probably heard of the choke-hold. Here--I'll show you!

    Hey! Wuhhh...agggghhhhh.....mumffff....awwwwww....uhhhhhhhh!!!


    Ready to come out, Dr. Fassbinder?

    This inmate has fainted!!

  • tec

    LOL... that was cute. (bad cute, but cute nonetheless)

    I loved the part about the Komodo. I was sure according to the scene before that it was death, and not the dragon ;) Great twist.

    Peace to you,


  • Terry

    I wrote myself into a corner and then sought to surmount!

    Sometimes it works:)

    I'm not sure there are more than 2 or 3 persons following this.


  • BabaYaga

    Baba here... a bit chilled and intrigued, checking in.

  • Terry

    To Whom it May Concern:

    I'm going back.

    Life on the road sucks.

    I do like the chili dogs at the Dairy Queen and the dollar hotdogs at Q.T. make me smile.

    But, I ran out of money and I need to go back to the city.

    I was thinking about the fact I didn't remove a certain person's billfold from his pocket before packing them in for a dirt nap.

    Probably some real cash in that billfold. At least a good maybe.

    Why do I think that? Raymond always carried cash. He was OCD about making each bill face the same way.

    Totally lame.

    He got the creeps if any of his paper money was wrinkled. That cracks me up. Every day back to the bank to exchange yesterday's money for crisp new bills!

    I loved that!

    I'll bet the Teller rolled his eyes when Raymond walked in.

    Makes me wish old Raymond was still around. He could be a hoot.

    Like the time he came out of the restroom at Denny's with his hands bright red from scrubbing them with soap!

    "Raymond, are your hands embarassed or what?" I asked him and he just gave me that dumb blinky blank look of his.

    "What's the point of scrubbing cracks in your skin anyway? Doesn't that make infections MORE likely?"

    He didn't have an answer for that one. Not a quick thinker, that one. I proved that to him in the end. Ha ha ha.

    I had a nasty shock this morning when I woke up under Fossil Hill bridge.

    I forgot how I got under there! I don't know if "forgot" is the right word or not. Let's just say I don't recall.

    I could hear the water gurgling nearby. It must have rained pretty hard. I felt like I had to pee and that woke me up.

    Sleeping in that car wasn't so bad. No bugs crawling up your nose--that's for sure.

    But, under a bridge? Gimme a break!

    What was that all about?

    I knew a kid in school who wuffed glue who did crap like that--passing out and waking up in strange places.

    Somebody stole his pants once and he had to run home in his tidy whities.

    At least my pants were still one me.

    I checked and that 61 Plymouth Fury was still sitting where I left it.

    Nobody in their right mind would want to steal a purple car. Although, the push-button transmission is kind of cool and the airplane steering wheel is outrageous!

    Plenty of room in the back seat to sleep.

    Why under a bridge? I just can't wrap my mind around it.


    I have to go back. Raymond won't mind me borrowing a few newly pressed $20 dollar bills! We always shared everything. Except for filly's.

    Raymond's girlfriend was scary. If you stood across the street and looked at her with the sun shining in your eyes she looked okay.

    But, any closer than 15 yards and--gimme a break!

    Either her left eye or maybe the right one--which ever--was sorta drifting about like a lizard. Know what I mean? Independant.

    That could put you off your feed.

    I refused to eat with her at the table! That hurt Ramonds feelings--but, tough titty in the hard city I always say.

    Raymond was sweet to her and I think she had feelings for him except for one thing.

    She wasn't the loyal kind. Anybody who spoke to her could have had her, I'll bet.

    Say one word to Mozelle and she'd start flirting something fierce. Too desperate for my tastes.

    Mozelle called me one morning. Woke me up. Big mistake. Never wake me up for ANY reason!

    I need my beauty sleep. At least twelve hours. Probably because my brain gets tired since it works harder than your average genius.

    What was I saying, now.....?

    Oh. Mozelle!

    She woke me up and starts purring really sexy stuff in my ear.

    "Do you love me?" she asked.

    "Have you lost what's left of your parched and savage mind, Mozelle? WHY in god's name would I love you?"

    But, that just made her giggle.

    "I know you love me. I see the way you look at me.." she'd go on without any encouragement.

    "Mozelle, I'd rather crap cactus than love hear what I'm saying? Do I need to take out an ad in the paper?"

    More giggling.

    "Raymond talks about you all the time, how smart you are and all. I think he loves you too."

    I just hung up after that!

    Who wants to wake up out of their interrupted beauty sleep and have their stomach turn? Clearly not me!

    I have to go back.

    I looked to see how much gas I had and it isn't enough.

    I've already thought of a plan. Scathingly brilliant, as usual.

    I'm going to call the local Kingdom Hall of Jehovah's Witnesses and tell them I'm brother Lipscomb.

    I'll say I had my billfold stolen. How's that? Pretty good?

    I'll tell them I was visiting my sick mom who is a non-believer. Trying to teach about all that idiot Jehovah nonsense, blah blah blah.

    That will put me in a good light!

    I'll ask if anybody could advance me some gas money because I'm never going to borrow from worldly people--not even my own Mom! ha ha ha.

    I predict some idiot at the Kingdom Hall will hand over fifty bucks or so. I'll give them my address and phone number and, best of all, my WORD that I'll repay immediately.

    Piece of cake.

    I figure these dupes have taken so many contributions from sweet old lady's at the door it will serve to redress the injustice!

    Like I care.....ha!

    I just notice I'm wearing my shoes but I have no socks on!

    I never took them off. I don't remember doing that.

    The mystery deepens.

    Maybe Raymond stopped by and borrowed them. I wish that was funny.

    Now why did I even say that?

    I'll stop at busy restaurant and order a big meal.

    Then, when I'm ready to leave I'll order a dessert and ask where the bathrooms are.

    Nobody expects a fella to skip out BEFORE eating dessert!

    I've got a nasty bump on my chin. Does that explain anything?


    Well, it will come back to me eventually. It always does.

    Like the time I woke up with a dead body next to me.

    That took a bit of remembering.


    I'm back.

    I phoned the Kingdom Hall.

    The guy who answered KNOWS Brother Lipscomb. That was just bad luck on my part.

    Who could see that coming? Not me and I'm a smart as they come.

    "This isn't Morris Lipscomb--I know Morris. Which brother Lipscomb are you?" the voice on the phone asked me.

    If I didn't have this annoying headache I'd have come up with a nifty reply right away.

    But--not today. I'm not on my game.

    I guess I'll visit Mozelle. She'll lend me some money.

    I can stand her for that long.

    Well, here goes....time to lower my standards for a tank of gas!

Share this