Call Me Smiler

by Terry 56 Replies latest jw friends

  • Terry

    I would read this book if you ever decide to write it, although I'm not sure if my wanting to read it would be a good endorsement for you!

    I'll keep going if anybody wants to read it. That is--IF anything comes out.

  • rip van winkle
    rip van winkle

    Terry, just sneeze again!

  • tec

    Way to help us get into his head, Terry (creepy or not, lol). That is great writing.

    Do sneeze again ;)



  • Terry

    Is this thing on? TESTING....TESTING...

    I got it...this switch is on.


    Just tryin' out my new recorder. It's a reel to reel and a dandy one.

    My mom use to have one in the closet. She said it belonged to my dad.

    I'd climb up on a chair and pull it down and lug it into the cellar. Lots of fun with it.

    I read in the paper the city filled that cellar in. Steam Rolled the whole house. Nobody wanted to live there after....well..afterward..


    I pulled this out of old lady Wintersmith's house last night. She won't be missing it. No sir.

    What's her first name now.....? Ruthy? No--Ruth Ann.

    She caught me on her front porch peekin' in and I pretended I was lost. I just made up the best story right on the spot.

    That is genius. To be able to make stuff up like it was real.

    I told her I had been in the Army and just got out and wanted to visit my Auntie but that I'd been hit by shrapnel and it messed with my memory.

    I had her feel the spot where that dude smacked me in the head with the brick. It convinced her right on the spot.

    You could see her face change just like that!

    "You poor soul" she'd said and didn't need to hear anything else. But, I was just gettin' started on my lie and warming to it.

    "To tell you the God's honest truth ma'am I am confused. Totally! I don't remember the name of her street or anything."

    But, odd thing is--after she introduced herself and invited me to come in for cookies was like SHE thought

    she was my Auntie! I mean--like she needed to BE or some such.

    Lonely old thing. I was sippin' and slurpin' down those cookies like there was a prize or somethin' while she rattled on about stuff.

    I tuned her station out after a bit. But good. That kind of prattling will get on your nerves.

    Well, I had been lookin' all around the room at her stuff. What could you get for it--ya know? You look for a quick turn item or two--instant cash

    sort of things. But, it was mostly junk. Treasures to her more than likely. Junk to me!

    After I had tidied up and adjusted the curtain so's folks passing by wouldn't poke a nose in I explored a bit.

    Here's the thing about old folks. They save everything.

    If you go through the tiny boxes you find the expensive stuff: jewelry, watches, what-not.

    Not Ruth Ann Wintersmith, though.

    It was photos, Kennedy assassaination clippings, tons of crossword puzzle books, knitted coasters, counted cross stitch "sayings" like my mom did all the time.

    The whole lot of it you'd have to pay somebody to haul off and burn.

    Room after room was a letdown. This was too much like workin' for a livin' I'll tell you.

    But, the last room must have been her husband's stuff. He had man junk from God knows how long ago like army uniform, model airplanes of B-17.

    Flying Tiger, P-38 Lightning.

    There was an old German Luger, no bullets or clip and some moustache wax of all things! A Boy Scout compass, merit badges, bubble gum wrappers that were crinkled up with wads of gum still in what was that all about?

    I was about to give up in disgust when I found this here recorder. At first I thought it was a shoe shine kit boxed up. But, it said Webcore on the side and that was a dead giveaway!

    I opened it and it was---is---this here reel to reel just like i knew it would be.

    Reminds me of what I did when I was 13.

    One of those scathingly brilliant ideas came on me and I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

    There was this blind guy who lived with his father down the street from my mom and I. He was afraid of everything and his dad was a religious nut.

    You could hear them preachers on radio moaning and singing out their window at all hours. Bible thumpers who like to roll out "Satan this and Satan that" workin'

    up a head of steam and scaring the word of Jesus into them.

    The idea I had came real clear and crafty all at once. A beauty if I do say so myself!

    I had a 7 inch reel of tape I put on my recorder. I set the capstan speed for 15 inches per second. I left a half hour of blank tape roll out with nothing but silence.

    Then, 30 minutes into it, I recorded me laughing sort of crazy like...over and over...with more energy and volume as time passed.

    Next thing I did was reset the speed at the slowest possible to make the pitch drop waaay down looooow.

    I clicked it on and auditioned my performance. Man oh man! That was a devilish evil laugh as you ever heard in your life!!

    I was tickled how smart it all was! Could hardly wait to sneak in their house just before bedtime and put it under the blind son's bed!

    The Dad usually worked in his little backyard garden until sundown. He kept his radio perched on the backporch swing playing Gospel music or hellfire preachin' while he planted onions and carrots or whatever stupid crap they ate. I knew the blind son wouldn't see me creep in the front screen door and set up my recorder.

    Had it all planned just perfect. I was giggling all the while. I just can't begin to tell you how anxious I was to pull this one off!

    Soon as I pulled on the screen door old blind boy sits up straight in the rockin' chair and says sort of spooky like, "Who are you?"

    It startled me, I have to tell you.

    I'm a fast thinker. I am. I mean to tell you I have genius for it and always have.

    I just open my mouth and it flies out like I'd been reading a script.

    I told the kid with those crazy dark glasses in that chair with all the lights out that I was chasing a rat!

    That perked him up real good, let me tell you.

    "Uh uh what--a rat, what do you mean..chasin' a rat?"

    I had to force myself not to laugh.

    "I was just passing by your house and saw this giant rat the size of collie dog. it was on its hind legs on your front porch.

    And you know what? It was staring in your window---probably at you!"

    Oh boy did that creep him out! His voice was all trembly.

    "How-how is that again? How big? My window?"

    I could barely stifle my laughter and I told him, "Yep, at first I thought it might be a goat because of the horns on its head. But, I guess it was a trick of the light. It must have been a rat with those glowing red eyes and all."

    Anyway, I could see his Dad standing up and wiping his forehead with a hankerchief out his back window and I had to get out of there.

    "When that goat-rat opened your door I had to run over here and check it out. Never seen nothin' like that before. Sorry to intrude. Want me to check under your bed?"

    Yes, He did!

    I slipped my recorder under it and turned the battery switch "on" and started the player playing the leader of blank tape.

    I told him, "No, nothing under there. Probably ran out the back door. Well I gotta go. Good Luck."

    I ran out the front door and climbed the tree across the street from his house to watch.

    I'd hung a pair of binoculars on a nail in the tree limb. All set up--know what I'm sayin'?

    It was dark by now.

    The Dad walked in the back door and turned on the light.

    I tightened focus on them binoculars.

    He went into the bathroom. Prolly washed up.

    Went into the kitchen. Made a sandwich. Nothing special.

    Inside of 20 minutes it was light's off and bed time! Just like always.

    Woo boy, I could hardly hang on to the tree for excitement and all that adrenaline pumping.

    The house was dark, quiet and the night was still. Not even a barking dog to pierce the silence of my wait.

    Then, it began!

    I had turned the volume way up to 10 on the dial and I could hear the basso laughter bubblin' up out of the pit like Satan himself screwin' the lid off of hell.

    I must have looked like a gibbering monkey in that tree! Bellowing with laughter and hoppin' up and down with one hand holding on to the limb and the other

    on the binoculars.

    I could hear the boy screaming and screaming the most piercing and heart-stopping sound you'll ever hear this side of a torture chamber!

    My imagination told the tale. The blind kid had that rat with horns on his mind just the way I'd set it in there--and when the hellish laughter began it didn't take

    much for him put it all together. Satan was in his bedroom!!

    When the gun went off several times it didn't fit what I was thinking. In fact, it surprised me good and proper.

    I shinny down the tree trunk and set off for my house in case the Dad is shooting at me, ya know?

    But, no. That wasn't what was going down at all. Whew!

    That old Daddy had his gun in hand pumping bullets at the Devil's voice! The recorder was under his blind son's bed! Get it? Get it??

    The cops never did figure all what went on that night. Nobody even bothered looking under the bed! Can you believe that?

    I wanted to sneak in and pull it out from under there--I'll be honest. But, I just...well, I couldn't do that. Too risky.

    Must have had holes in it anyway. You know? Bullets, blood, whatever!

    Ahhhh, I still get a big laugh thinkin' about that one. God! I am a genuine genius. No doubtin' that. No way.

    I'll have to put my new recorder to good use too.

    Sooner or later an idea will pop in for a visit and then--wham bang! Off to the races...


  • tec


    (but great)



  • Terry

    I have no idea where this thing is headed.

    If people want more I'll keep going.

    Maybe in the morning. If anything is left to tell.......

  • tec

    Oh... people want more.

    (I love it when i have no idea where a story is going... it is a completely free feeling... anything is possible)



  • rip van winkle
    rip van winkle

    Gesundheit, Terry!!! That was some sneeze

    You have a scary subconscious!

  • BabaYaga



  • Terry

    Transcribed from Court Stenographer

    Case CR4510

    D.A.: Now that you've been sworn in, Mr.Deets, I'd like for you to-------

    Deets: Don't call me that!

    D.A.: Excuse me?

    Deets: Call me Smiler. I hate "Deets". I won't answer to it.

    Judge: Let the record reflect the Defendant's request.

    D.A.: Very well. Is that a nickname or what?

    Smiler: It's what I answer to. A man has a right to be called anything he wants. Ain't that right your honor?

    Judge: Please just answer the question, Mister Smiler.

    Smiler: It ain't MISTER Smiler, Judge--your honor, I mean. It's just Smiler.

    D.A.: We'll call you whatever you like.

    Smiler: Great.

    D.A.: Where were you on the 21st of this month at approximaely 8 in the evening? That was a Wednesday.

    Smiler: I don't know. I mean, I don't exactly keep track. Not specifically. Do you? Does anybody?

    Judge: This is being argumentative and we don't allow that in court. Do you understand, son? You're here to answer the exact questions you are asked.

    Smiler: Sure thing.

    D.A. : Do you need me to repeat the question?

    Smiler: Still don't remember!

    D.A. : Are you familiar with a young woman by the name of Caroline Sommers?

    Smiler: Familar?

    D.A. : Yes, do you KNOW her? Have you met her?

    Smiler: Caroline Sommers.......I met her. I knew..I mean know her....Let me start again! I have known her for almost 6 months. Yes.

    D.A. :Is she a friend, an acquaintance--what?

    Smiler: I don't have any friends. I just knew OF her.

    D.A. : Why do you say you don't have ANY friends? Surely, there is at least one----

    Smiler: I guess I'd be the best judge of that, sir. Nobody I would call my friend is---

    D.A. : least one person you talk to or meet with regularly.

    Smiler: Is there a question in there I haven't answered?

    Judge: Remember what I just told you?

    Smiler: Always! And the answer is No.

    D.A. : No friends at all?

    Smiler: I'm runnin' out of ways to make it clear. Sorry you can't understand. Not arguing-- just staing facts.

    D.A.: Thank you. When is the last time you saw Caroline Sommers?

    Smiler: Ohhhh...I'd be guessing it was....sometime before she was found in the trash compactor. When was that anyway?

    D.A.: It was on Wednesday the 21st.

    Smiler: Before that. Yeah.

    D.A.: How long before?

    Smiler: Uhh...well I didn't put her in there if that's what you're gettin' at...

    Judge: Simple "Yes" or "No" answers are best....

    Smiler: Yes.

    D.A. : Yes what?

    Smiler: Sorry? Huh?

    D.A.: You said "Yes". What do you mean?

    Smiler: I usually mean not "no"when I say "yes"!

    Judge: Son, when Judges decide you are not a serious witness they can have you put in jail until you do become serious. You understand?

    Smiler: I'm serious. I'm as serious a Judge! 'Get it?

    D.A.: When you last saw Ms. Sommers was she alive or dead?

    Smiler: She sure looked alive.

    D.A.: Where were the two of you when you last saw her--what location?

    Smiler: Hmmm. The Horney Toad bar. It use to be a biker bar and it went belly up. Two of Caroline's friends bought it and fixed it up. It had been named the 4 Horses...

    D.A.: What was the approximate date and time of that last encounter?

    Smiler: My friend and I got there about 8 p.m. or so. She was shootin' pool with this ex-football player...

    D.A.: Sorry--did you say "friend"? You arrived with a "friend"?

    Smiler: Yeah.

    D.A. : You just told the court you don't have any friends.

    Smiler: Oh you misunderstood me. I meant I don't have women friends!

    D.A. : That's not what you said.

    Smiler: Court is so technical! Your problem is you treat words like they're Algebra problems!

    Judge: You're about an inch away from a 10 day jail sentence for contempt of court. Is that pretty clear?

    Smiler: Oh? Clear enough for me, sir!

    D.A. : What is the name of this male friend you entered the bar with?

    Smiler: Raymond Jetton.

    D.A. :You didn't mention him when officer Crowley questioned you, did you?

    Smiler: (Sighs) Gosh. To be real honest....I can't say that I did or didn't. I have a problem with my memory, you see.

    D.A. : Is it a medical problem?

    Smiler: I got shrapnel wounded in Afghanistan in the back of my head. Wanna see? It's pretty bad! It screws my remembering up all confused like.

    Judge: You were in the army?

    Smiler: I was an infantryman.

    Judge: When did you serve? What years?

    Smiler: Once again sir---dates and stuff are just....sort of....gone. Ya know? I know you think I'm an arguining son of a---an argumentative fella. I'm not. I'm just confused.

    Judge: How often are you treated medically for this?

    Smiler: I quit goin' in for treatment because the nearest V.A. hostpital is 45 miles away and the trip by bus is terrible.

    Judge: Is there a Doctor's name you recall so we can____verify all this?

    Smiler: Sort of, Your honor. My regular Doctor had a heart attack. Nice fella, too. I stopped going when he--um--died.

    D.A.: Your Honor, with the court's permission---if I could just...finish my line of questioning.......sir?

    Judge: Proceed.

    D.A.: Thank you, your honor. Now, Smiler--If Ms. Sommers wasn't your friend--what was she to you? Did you date?

    Smiler: You'll have to excuse me if I giggle a little. That struck me funny. Sorry. Her being dead and all.....just give me a moment.....woo...(laughing)

    D.A.: What's so funny? This woman was crushed to death by the compactor truck--there is nothing funny about it!

    Smiler: Right. I'm....okay now. Nothing funny. Right. It's not the way she died and all. That's--of course, not funny. Just you said "date" and that part was funny!

    D.A. : I repeat and please answer a simple "Yes" or "No"--did you ever Date Ms. Sommers?

    Smiler: You got a big "No" on that one, sir.

    D.A. : Is there a reason for you to think dating Caroline Sommers would be unpleasant?

    Smiler: Well, yeah. It sure would be--UNpleasant.

    D.A. : Tell the court why that is.

    Smiler: She and that ex-Dallas Cowboy were gettin' it on--that's why. He'd of kicked my butt from here to tomorrow if I tried datin' her!

    D.A. : And his name--this Dallas Cowboy?

    Smiler: Memory for names is kindly blanked out. Sorry. Ask anybody at the Horney Toad--they'll know. I have a um empty place where names go.

    D.A. : Do you know who killed Caroline Sommers?

    Smiler: She was killed? Nobody told me that! That's murder!

    D.A. :Answer the question directly.

    Smiler: I didn't--I don't ---I have no idea--had no clue she was...had been MURDERED! Wow.

    D.A. :Did you believe Ms.Sommers had crawled into that dumpster on her own and had fallen asleep?

    Smiler: That's stupid.

    Judge: Last warning!

    Smiler: Oh heck! Okay--sir! Sorry. Um--what did you ask me, now?

    D.A. : Do you have any idea how Ms. Sommers ended up in that dumpster?

    Smiler: If it's murder I'd be talking to that Ex-Dallas Cowboy--I'd start right there!

    D.A. : We have two witnesses who tell a different story.

    Smiler: Okay.

    D.A. :Those two witnesses say they saw you in an argument with Caroline Sommers on the 21st, the night before the day her body was crushed.

    Smiler: Don't that beat all! Stupid liars.

    D.A. : Do I understand you to say you did not argue with the deceased?

    Smiler: You can't argue with a deceased---oh wait--sorry Your Honor--that was a dumb joke and I need to be serious--let me answer you--don't throw me in jail, sir!

    Judge: My patience is at an end.

    Smiler: I can see that plain enough. I would like to clear this up for you all. Ms. Sommers was arguing with me--but--I was not arguing with her.

    D.A.: How is that?

    Smiler: I was kibbutzing--making wisecracks ever time she bent over the pool table to make a shot. She got fed up with that and yelled at me for it.

    D.A. : You were making sexually inappropriate comments?

    Smiler: I didn't say that! I'd never make nasty comments about her boobs--I mean, her breast area. It was glorious--nothing to make fun of. It was the stupid way she lined up her easy shots and missed. That's all.

    D.A. : What did you say to her to make her made.

    Smiler: Sort of...."Man you suck".

    D.A.: Did you wait outside for her and throw her in the dumpster.

    Smiler: Naw. That would just be dumb.

    D.A. : Was this Dallas Cowboy where he could hear your comments? Didn't it make him angry?

    Smiler: He was drunk as a skunk! He could barely stand in one place he'd had so much to drink. He didn't pay attention to anything but knocking balls in pockets. He never broke concentration! He was a dead serious person! I mean: he was serious and she is dead.

    D.A. :Did you ever hear the two of them argue or fight?

    Smiler: Nope. I mean, no sir. He was always Mackin' on her, ya know? Sweet talkin' her so quiet like--I couldn't never hear what he was sayin'.

    D.A.: Do you have your friend Raymond's phone number and address? We'd like to interview him.

    Smiler: No sir.

    D.A. : Why not?

    Smiler: My wallet was stole a few days ago. I was tryin' on clothes at a department store and it got swiped.

    D.A.: But, you've been over to his house--you know the way to get there?

    Smiler: Awww, no--you see--my head and all. I just wait for him to...well, show up.

    D.A.: Next time you see this Raymond--I'd like you to have him call the District Attorney's office. You understand?

    Smiler: (sighs) Whatever you say, sir. I'm all compliant and easy going. No arguments from me.

    D.A. : That's all from me your honor.

    End of transcript.

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