Well, it seems like I am going to ruin the domination of RayPublishers' topic at this section of the board. :D
Now back to the topic. The last month I was trying to get "closer" to my classmates and to the others from my highschool. And by "closer" i mean bringing up our relationship from "he/she will die at armageddon anyway" perspective to the "lets spend some time and have fun". So this last friday a guy organized a party and asked me if I could go. They know about my situation and that my parents hardly allow me to go out with them. I told him that I it was useless even to ask my dad. However, by afternoon I changed my mind. I told my dad that there are these guys from the school and I am going to go and have a drink with them. He gave me the regular speech about how bad association is viewed by Jehovah etc. I listened, then left home in the evening.
It was all new for me, but I liked, although I felt like being a stranger there. The guys were and are cool, I could talk to them, laughed and so on. BUT I realized that I have got a serious issue related to how I should handle girls. If you read the thread when I wrote my situation in this step-mum, step-sister family you will understand me.
There was this girl, a classmate, hot and cute. She and her friend (also a girl) were asking me about my virginity 2 weeks ago. Than I felt hurt and humiliated by her, because I thought we were becoming friend, meanwhile she laughes about me. She told me that she wouldnt wanted to isnult me. She is the kind of girl who dates 25+ years old guys. But after that case I hardly spoke to her. At that party I took a seat nex to her. She wondered like everyone else that how on the earth I went to that party. I told her that I knew about her thoughts in connection with how innocent I am. She told me agian that she didnt wanted to hurt me, and that I shouldnt feel offensed. (AGAIN: it is not about the fact that she asked me about my virginity. There were other people in this planet who asked me as well. The way she treated the subject, it just felt bad from her.
There started to appear tear drops on her face. She said it was because of the smoke. She must have been telling me the truth. I mean, she had no reason to cry because she didnt seemed like feeling bad about anything, and thought it was only a joke. This is what she told me today at the school when I asked her why she seemed like crying. We talk now, make jokes, and makes me think that she like me, even though I know 100% doesnt, that way. I am sure, though, that she sympathizes me, god knows why.
I hate that I cant decide whether she likes me or not. It is evident that even if she would she wouldnt go out with me. I asked her if she was willing to go and drink something together. She said no. I really dont know how to date girls, do I? I always pick up the wrong one, and then suffer. I didnt wanted to say, but the wts got it right in this topic. I am not used to the wordly girls. If in the cong a girls stares at me many times, reacts positive if I touch her or something like that, then I can be 75% sure she would go for a date. But in the real world, everyone is flirting with everyone and girls are impossible to decode. I am tired of guessing what they think and reading from their reactions. I really had a bad day today. I am literally fear of being rejected. I fall in love too easy. I cant be just friend with a girl and joking around without having some romantical feelings toward her.
There is another girl. I got to know her at a morning when both of us were being late from the our first classes. She introduced herself, so did I, and since then every time we meet we kiss as friends (I have no idea what is the english word for it. It is a way of kissing but you give it on the face and not on the lips.) I wanted to ask her out today, but I cought a flue yesterday and my voice isnt that cool right now. Unfortunately on her facebook profile she is "in relation", so she may have already a boyfriend.
But lets say finally I find a girl, for instance her, and she is willing to go and drink something together. What will happen after? We have to do other things together, not just drinking a juice (juice isnt cool, is it?) and eat a pizza once in a while. I am really on the edge of depression. I need somebody who loves me, who hugs me, who appreciates me. I dont know how girls think about my phisical appearence but I do know that i am really skinny and also quite tall. I really dont know what to talk about, what to do together in order to not to bore her. I am also afraid of being humiliated, in case she rejects me. OTOH i am very curios about what she would say.
This life really sucks. What a pity armageddon wont kill me, and probably I need to survive more 40+ years in this universe. I am sorry for boring you with all these stuffs. I dont even know what was my intention when I started writing. Now I feel better, but still lost. I hate the Watchtower Bible and Tract society for making me such an antisocial being. I swear to god, that once I get out of my parents life I will put all my forces to destroy those retarded from Brooklyn. Amen.
ps. guys, i really need some advice and encouragement, but not lies. Thanks in advance :)